be happy (:

2012-01-25T19:53:00.001+08:00

Haha I feel super silly everytime when I need to change bus from Nus along bukit timah, I will alight opp Hc to change. Like trying to pretend and feel that I'm still a student there, waiting for bus after school. But since no harm doing that, I shall continue being silly lol!

I went to river hongbao last night and there was this exhibition on Chinese education. They showed chinese schools and how each of them started. And I saw photos of the familiar Hc clock tower, yet an unfamiliar scenario where there were police and lots of students doing things that we wouldn't imagine ourselves doing. Boycotting against govt policies, getting involved in political stuff. Students of Hc and ny and other Chinese schools played a big role in shaping spore history, but somehow it's not being talked about, as if it's a portion of history that is better left unknown and the school is ashamed of letting students know. I'm sure they have their own rationale for doing that, given that communism is a big issue in spore, but I just find it a pity that the spirit of students then, which looks at the bigger picture of history and culture and sacrificing own individual interests for the bigger society, is not widely made known to all students now who is brought up to over emphasize on results an portfolio. But I'm really glad that the current education minister is serious about emphasizing on character development now(:

I know I said I hate history, but maybe I just hate studying and having exams for history. Because when it comes to history that is related to me, I feel like I need to find out. Recently I've been very interested in Singapore history, ESP the nation building period. There seems to be so much to know, and I'm starting to see it clearer the more I learn and read, but there are still many more missing jigsaw puzzle pieces that is stopping me from better understanding the big picture. That's why I specially went to borrow my aunt's lky memoirs to read haha.

History helps to make your identity more complete and richer. Imagine forgetting your childhood or a certain period of time completely. It will feel like something is amiss in you because you won't be complete. You won't know why you are who you are today.

Anyway haven't been blogging or reading blogs for a long time, and I feel as if that feeling of being easily contented by thoughts is gone. I think it's really important to slow down life and reflect, then we will be able to better feel and enjoy life and make the best out of it.

I'm really grateful for the friends around me who continuously encourages and motivates me throughout their struggles and spirit! It's really very precious(: so friends, when you all have victories or little things that can motivate others, feel free to share with people around you! It's not showing off, but a little act that can create a great difference to someone. Onesness of man and environement: a change in you can bring a change in the environment around you. Today I finally feel that determination kicking in since sem 2 started! Will work super hard and smart!

Suddenly remembered the fortune cookie I ate this afternoon, and my message was 'this is your BEST DAY EVER!' haha I won't say its the best day ever, but it is one of the best days I have since school started, because today I repicked up my motivation to study hard and do well and tell myself it's possible:D

2012-01-15T15:15:00.001+08:00

I need to build up on my inner strength. today is a emo day, but at the same time there were many thoughts and some enlightenment. Wrote this post when I was travelling around today.

Happiness doesn't come from external, but internally within you. That's absolute happiness because no matter what happens, you will be able to confront it strongly and remain positive. If happiness is drawn just from external surrounding or from other people, when they are not there anymore, you will feel your lifestate drop dramatically. That's evidence of you not being strong enough to bring happiness to yourself. Always look inside you, because the most precious things that you usually spend so much effort to find for, are actually closest to you. We tend to overlook it because we seem to take these for granted and overlook it's existence. My mum asked me to stick blu tack on these 3 mini clay display things, and apparently they are placed above the toilet light switch which I use everyday but I've never remembered noticing it.

Bringing happiness to others is difficult because everyone's happiness reasons are different. What might make me and my certain groups of friends happy, might not make others happy. The conflict of not being able to reach a consensus of happiness might even cause unhappiness despite good intentions. Everyone has different opinions and ideas of the ideal, we must learn to stand from someone's pov. Especially for family, which is made more difficult, because there's the generation gap and that a family don't just consist of 2 people but usually more. There's greater chances for conflict to happen because to run a household there's so much decisions to agree on, and so much time are spent with each other. Sometimes is it better of minimizing conversation to avoid conflict, or should we try to make conversation and risk conflict from arising.

Why is it that the more comfortable and close you are with someone, the more you tend to make someone unhappy. Because you're so comfortable, you don't bother being polite and nice and just shoot off whatever that comes to your mind. And cos blood is thicker than water, you know that after being not so nice, the tie will still remain and you can't 'unfriend' the person. I'm not referring to anyone specifically but just saying my observations generally.

I really need to do my human revolution to strengthen myself. There's so much that I need to improve on. Was talking to someone ytd and she told me how we need to strengthen our foundation now to prepare ourself for future relationships and family. Because if we are not strong enough to face and handle challenges, when someone or even the right person drops by, we might not be ready and hence let someone important slip by like that.. Strong in terms of understanding things better and knowing what to do and what not to do.

2012-01-02T00:13:00.004+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I'm super excited to do this year's resolutions because I think that I have grown a lot this year, and I want to give myself a report card!

1) To achieve ALL of my resolutions and targets, such that I cannot afford to not fulfill any single one. If not resolutions will become meaningless. I should print it out and put in my wallet or something so that I will be always reminded of it. Must be determined to challenge and fulfill them!

Ok after reading whatever below, I obviously didnt )): Shall set less resolutions this year, and when I set resolutions I shouldn't just say only without thinking of what concrete actions to put in. But ya I'm going to print out put in wallet this year!!

2) To maximize my use of time.　Not really the same as good time management. I can still have good time management and finish all my stuff but yet spending more time than I should. Don't waste time on unneccessary matters and nuaing, but do stuff that are important and do it fast. Which is why I bought a book and borrow a book on how to use my brain faster and how to speed read.

Wah I dont know how to review this man... I think I still nua quite a lot, especially after I have my iphone jialat >< Will just sit there and start playing random games, although I don't play a lot la. Still reading very slowly... I realized that when I read my readings, I usually forget right after reading it, becuase I don't know how to do it efficiently and effectively. Need to ponder more before during and after reading to have it go in my brain! Was reading this guidebook given to all nus students, it taught SQ3R: Survey(scan through content page etc), Question (prepare questions to focus on reading), Read (first scan reading and rereading to evaluate process and summarise), recall (make precise notes), review (check that questions are answered, impt points are covered)

3) To improve my use of language. Because to want to do media, I need to have excellent command of language. Probably going to read more books about language, and reading in general. Like those very nice very 诗意 stuff so that I can write very beautiful words and not words that are like 白开水><

I've done more reading in 2011 as compared to previous years!:D Both fictional and non-fictional. I guess my writing has slightly improved a little bit. Writing beautifully doesn't come very naturally, but at least I can write something more beautifully when I make myself to do so. Blogging helps a lot:D

4) To be able to feel the mentor and disciple spirit that people kept mentioning and yet I still can't feel it. The only way is to read more into sensei's writings and gakkai publications. And through there strengthen my faith, which is actually much weaker than what people think.

Ok I still havent feel the M&D spirit >< And I havent been reading more gakkai publications. I need to start at least on CL and SSA times!

5) To improve the quantity and quality of daimoku. Must be in more control of my mind, and not let my mind wander off so easily. If during huangcheng period I can clock up more daimoku than now, why I can't I now?

Hmm.. there are low and high times in terms of chanting dmk. There were very strong dmk moments, such as the morning before getting alevel results with evelyn and elaine. And the few nights and mornings during uni finals period, either together with javier or even by myself. But I also slacken a lot in the sense that I start to skip gongyo sometimes when I don't feel like doing it, which is something I would never allowed myself to do so in the past. Even if I do it out of habit, at least I'm doing it. And after finals, I totally zone out can't concentrate when chanting. So I guess the quality of dmk both increased and decreased in 2011, but quantity dropped quite a lot I believe><

6) Be able to develop deeper thinking and thoughts and break through the surface, and have more acute observations to my surroundings. Like more 感性。 When I went taiwan, I felt that writing diary is really very good because it gives you a chance and a quiet time to yourself to reflect on the day's happening and force you to really think. I wanted to do it everyday, but I think it might not be very possible because once I start writing I will write very long. Maybe at least a few times a week bah.

Yay I achieved this (: Yup my thoughts are definitely deeper and more insightful now as compared to the random thoughts I always had in the past. And I think my observation skills improved generally, though it comes at quite selective timing lol. Diary not few times a week, I think that's quite impossible for me actually, but at least I write quite often and not like nothing for few months. And even though I don't write it out, it doesnt mean I didnt think and reflect and have it in my mind. Wah I'm so glad I reached a higher level (:

7) Leave more time for myself to do things that I want, like reading, playing piano, watching movies, catching up with friends.

Yup I did that! Especially during the dec holidays. But they only happen during holidays, probably can improve and let it happen even during semester time hehe^^

8) To be prepared for the adult world and not be so shocked or unprepared for the many complicated matters that I'm going to face in the future. Like being a journalist is more complicated than I imagined after reading the book for PR. Like when people are nice to you, you really wouldn't know if it's for work or true feelings. The line between work and personal life is so blurred. Which is why we should treasure the friends that we make now when we are students (:

Haha I will never know if I'm ready for the adult world until I actually enter it. But definitely I'm more prepared after doing the internship. Or maybe not leh, since zaobao is too nice and friendly Liao... But at least i know that I'm not so naive now, and have better observations to make better judgements. And I'm hearing stories of office politics here and there, so at least I know, just that I hope I won't face them lol...

9) To be a good leader in gakkai by taking more initiative to meet up with members and informing them. When I see people getting active, I really feel very happy!(:

I'm taking a bit more initiative by asking for meals. But that's only twice lol and I only dare to do for people around my age.. But I guess that's not the only thing that makes a good leader. There's much more like contributing to discussion meeting and working together with the other leaders. But I guess there's more improvement from d5, in the sense that I will prepare for the youth sharing that Ronn and I are tasked to do.

10) Be a good daughter, brother, friend, leader etc. Basically any role that I play, I must do it well!

Haha I said brother instead of sister lol! Anyway I think that besides the family roles, I've been doing well for the others. My parents always scold me for behaving well outside, but not at home.
That's something that I really need to improve on, cos I can't anyhow just because I'm at home in my comfort zone and taking for granted the love and care from my family.

Ok somehow when I'm doing this report card I'm quite disappointed, because I think that 2011 was really the best year for me because I grew a lot, just that maybe it's not in the aspect of what my resolutions are. But shall not let my new year resolutions decide for me whether 2011 was good, because when I know it's good, I'm sure it is. And for the friends who were there alongside me and grew together, I'm sure 2011 was an awesome year for you all too!:D Anyway I achieved 5.5/10, which is considerably quite low lol.

Shall move on to 2012 resolutions! But before that want to share something that I sent in one of my new year smses to a group of friends, and I realize it's quite meaningful after re-reading it. 2012 is going to be better because we are in a better shape from 2011's challenges to forge ahead. Before this I was thinking how 2012 is going to exceed 2011's awesomeness, and it seemed a bit difficult to reach the peak again. But then again, we can always set new resolutions and goals, and if we attain them, it will be equally awesome!:D And yes we are now more ready to face challenges and be able to handle them better. So must have the mindset that 一年会比一年好!

2012 resolutions

1) to strengthen my faith and carry out human revolution, where I will learn to care more for others and change my family situation. Since 2011 was a year of great growth in terms of my character and personality, 2012 shall be faith cos I'm more ready to take that challenge!

2) to take concrete actions to become a better daughter, to minimize the unhappy moments and create happy times. This time round it's going to be different, because it's not just smth I want to achieve without knowing how. After how my parents scolded me and the power last dmk of 2011 that I did with my mum and bro, I have a clearer idea of what I can do(:

3) to be able to write more and write better, both in Chinese and English. After the sharing during rhq5 leaders meeting, I realized that the ability to write and speak is not something to be taken for granted, thus I should improve on it and develop it into a skill that will benefit and encourage others.

4) to have more self discipline over myself, not always having my parents to nag. Tidy up my stuff, sleep earlier, chant more and earlier, have healthy lifestyle...

5) get cap 4.5!

6) to always prepare myself for my journalist internship and career. The things that I observe, read, study, learn. This year's internship must really be an impressive one!

7)to have the courage and high life state to talk and have dialogues with anyone, and not just my good friends. Dont always be so dao/shy and dont dare to talk to people that I'm not close to.

8) expand my lifestate by taking on numerous challenges and commitments at the same time, and still performing well in all areas.

Ok that's all for now, shall not be too ambitious and have too many. May 2012 be another fabulous year for all!:D

2011-12-30T23:17:00.004+08:00

It's finally time for me to settle down and reflect on this year, I'm kinda excited to reflect because 2011 has been an awesome year really!:D Grew up so much and experienced so much! There's so much to talk about I dont know where to start lol. Shall do chronological and topic by topic!

1) my telemarketer job.

Although the job is really boring, I never regretted doing it. Because I know this is probably my only time trying such an office job, I know I will not be happy doing such jobs, and I really cant imagine my other colleagues working there for years like this. It's not for me, but I'm glad to have experienced it for a short term. At least when next time people talk about it, I will be able to understand better. During my interview, they asked me why I chose this job. I told them I thought it will help me in the media lol, and she told me it probably wont. But in the end I think it did! I was able to speak on the phone with strangers more professionally and calm, which helped a lot when I had to call PRs and interview people.

2) SPH internship

It's so awesome there's too much stuff to say! Being able to enter zaobao was like wah a dream come true! I've visited the newsroom before when I just joined txy, and I never really imagined being able to have my own table and be part of this news reporting team. I've met colleagues that were also inspiring, especially yongmay jie who literally changed my life because she inspired me to take sociology instead of mass comm. She's really a role model that I look up to, everytime I talk to her, she will be humble and speak normally, but behind her words you can feel her immense passion. And she has lots of interesting thoughts, and her articles are always written beautifully and thought-provoking. Anyway, being a reporter is a job that I really enjoyed, there's so much new people and things that I meet everyday, and I can always learn something new from each of these happenings. Elections was the significant thing for me, I can really feel the excitement of reporting elections news, though challenging and tiring, but I'm sure all of us enjoyed it. I could better understand how the organization work and allocated job, and how the editors have so much things to do and read, and yet they always read more than me while I complained no time. Although there's a lot more skills that I need to brush up on before I can perform well as a reporter, I believe the passion will keep me going! (I'm taking 3 modules related to media coming sem lol!) And of course having yuensin and evelyn there together, on lotus notes and lunches made the whole internship process enjoyable and memorable(: the common experience we shared strengthen our friendship bonds <3

3)getting scholarship

The whole journey of getting the scholarship seemed so unbelievable at times. Somehow I could just pass rounds after rounds of interviews, although I really believe that my skill is not there. The only thing that probably was obvious in me was my passion. When I eventually got offered, I couldn't find guarantors, and that really discouraged me a lot. But now that I signed it, I'm going to prove all the people who were hesitant about me, that I can do it!! The process of preparing for that scholarship skit performance was also quite memorable, probably one of the last few chances we have to put up such performances.

4) exploring places with evelyn and yuensin

It's so wonderful to find friends who like to explore too, because when you see somewhere new and interesting that you want to go, you know that you can go there with someone and not having to give up the idea of exploring it. There's also the joy which can be shared when discovering something new. The artsy stuff that we go to, performances and museums, also brought me to learn appreciating the arts bit by bit. And of course to chim-ify my thoughts and perspectives. Together with all the htht with you 2, I start to really develop my thinking and become someone who will naturally ponder about certain issues. I'm far from the childish girl with very naive thoughts in the past. I build up my character a lot in 2011, and a lot is contributed by you 2 my dear friends <3 all our chim discussions haha!

4) uni

The 4.5 uni orientation camps (if only that was my CAP) that i've attended changed me in a sense that I grew tired of making so many new friends which I know will not last. Because in uni, there's always new faces, and everyone tries to be open and hapz and cool, it's all very tiring. And the people that I meet are mostly so different from me, wild and pretending. Except for a group of raggers, whom I really treasure in uni. My intuition that the friends I make in rag would be similar to the friendships I formed in huangcheng is quite accurate after all(: Uni life is something that I really don't like, because it lacks a lot of 人情味 and it's just filled with competitiveness. Meeting huiwen's og gradually changed my impression a bit, and I'm so grateful to have met shotenzenjins and the right people in my life at the correct time. They are so helpful, and sometimes I feel ashamed of my thoughts that I will stereotype all uni people to be competitive and fake. In terms of studies, it's really on a whole new level now that you're thrown into the sea with nothing else but stacks of notes. I enjoyed learning about the things that I'm learning, though the exams and assessments are not. My very first CAP in uni is not very good but not very bad either. Must jiayou and get a first class honours!!

5) KR

I wanted to try hall because I wanted to experience it. But i never knew it would be worse than expected such that I will want to move out even after only 1 sem. But after all these, I never regretted joining, because I learnt a lot from it too. How there are all sorts of people in hall, and how I need to know how to interact with people who are different from you. And I joined choir for the first time too! It was a fun experience, and I realized there's a lot about singing that I need to learn! Last but not least 6th floor! I'm really really grateful that weiying steph feather jiayun were there tgt, because they brightened up my depressing hall life. Sincere friends in uni that I've met, and all the 'chinese talk' with weiying. And also chanting tgt with javier which helped strengthen my faith quite a bit especially near finals. It's good to always chant and share struggles together with a comrade(:

6) dec holidays

Finally managed to balance better between personal time and go out time. Managed to finish reading a few books (though less so towards the end of the year), instead of the usual complain that I have no time. Because I realize that if you keep piling up your schedule with outings and gatherings, there will naturally be not enough time. And all these books are also enriching: Hard truths made me understand many more things, fiction made me learn how to appreciate the beauty of words and plots. And of course going out to explore again!

7) genting trip

First time go overseas with a friend and her family. And it was such an awesome experience because I really learnt a lot. How everyone grows up differently because of the huge influence of the family. I really feel very glad that I can hang out with them naturally, like there isn't extreme awkwardness or anything. And the talk with zhixin that day while queuing for the bumper car ride is going to stay in my memory(:

8) malacca trip

another one day trip with friends! I really like this sort of simple impromptu free and easy travelling! You meet friendly strangers there, understand the culture of the place, and see beautiful sceneries and take nice photos! Plus it's great to have evelyn and meijun who also found joy in exploring places!(:

9) chingay 2011 & 2012

Chingay is my favourite large scale performance, because it's more fun and vibrant as compared to ndp (oops) since there's more moving around and interaction directly with the audience. Both chingays were very different experiences though. I joined the first one without knowing much people, except for charlotte and yuanli from yog. The second one was together with nussd and asd, and since we were grouped together, we could talk to each other more often. I talked more to meijun too, though it's getting bad because we're not interacting enough with the others>< I look forward to my chingay trainings now, like I will literally count '1 more day to the next chingay training!' haha!

10) asd

It's wonderful how our bonds strengthened so much, especially after we graduate, which is far from usual! Getting to know everyone better especially through the chingay trainigs which we will meet up so often.

11)district 4

Being transferred to a new district gives me a whole new experience. But the fact that boonhwee is still there makes me still reliant alamak>< I've learnt a lot from the adult divisions, and it's wonderful how strong their faith is, especially the WDs. Someday I'm going to become a WD too and I'm going to be like them, inspiring the future generation! There's much more room for improvement, and I shall strive to do so in 2012!

Actually there's much more but i'm tired of doing this post liao oops, because there's really too much and I guess it'll just stay in my mind and pop in occasionally at the right time when I need them (: And I can't wait to do my resolutions already! Haha it's always the post that I'm looking forward to!:D maybe when I suddenly think of certain things, I will come back and add on to this post!

2011-12-30T00:41:00.003+08:00

Really love toapayoh a lot, it's more than just a place where i live in, there's so much memories and feelings that go into this cosy little town.

I went to toapayoh swimming complex to swim this morning, and as I was swimming I started to think of that night with huiqing and zhixin, and meeting 6.6 and just everything about toa payoh. As I was swimming i can see toapayoh's landscape from the pool, the HDB Hub and the central tall hdb flats.

My mind flew back to the countless sunday mornings that I had learning swimming at the place where I was. The friends that I've made during lessons (ok actually I only remember one lol), and how i had to squeeze with crowds of people, always worrying that I will knock into someone as I swim. The times in p3 where all of us in kcs must go for swimming lesson, and how I will be damn afraid of going into water because I've forgotten how to swim after stopping my very first swimming lessons at kallang swimming complex. Which was why I went to learn swimming again in upper pri. Then there was also this period of time when toro and gang came to film 任我遨游, but I totally didnt see him although we swam in the same waters lol ): But when they were filming the very first episode with thie bikini girl, I was there having lessons, and my friends, bro and I managed to squeeze into the background and so our tiny faces appeared on tv, and I appeared in the same show as toro hehe^^ and all these resulted in my current blog url and my hotmail account!

I dont know why, but somehow just the name of toapayoh gives me the feeling of home. So even things like toapayoh zone in soka makes me feel like im back home, especially when in fd context. All the different toapayoh houses that I've went to for fd meetings. And how hcf hanged out in zhixin's house and the basketball and badminton court downstairs. It's also nice that you have a good friend staying around you too. I vaguely remember one sms we had that day that referred to a place in toapayoh, and we could naturally understand each other, but its not something that non-toapayoh people will (oops so exclusive).

When we met with huiqing that night, I was brought back into this nostalgic feeling. Both zhixin and I forgotten that she was no longer staying in toapayoh, but married and living in punggol. She told us that toapayoh's houses are so expensive, a 3 room flat cost around 600k, while a 4 room flat in punggol is only around 200k. Super big difference can! But I was really sadden when I heard that, because I want to continue living in toapayoh even after I get married with my own apartment. It not just have a good centre location, but there's so much feelings to it. Haha i remembered how during my first SS tutorial, we had to share about our own background, and since my family background was quite straightforward, I shared with everyone on how much i love toapayoh instead!:D

Then there's also the thing about kcs and 6.6. Precisely because it's a neighbourhood school, most of us stay around the area in toapayoh, although I'm one of the furthest already away from tp central. So whenever we meet up, it's interesting to see how friends come from their homes and meeting up impromptu and we can go to each other houses and go home easily. And most are walkable! Whenever we want a quiet place to sit down and hang out, so we always go to the skygarden and crap and have a hearty talk catching up.

That day when I was talking to meijun about our chingay group, I realized that there are 4 alumni of kcs in my chingay group! Damn cool la! I still feel a lot for kcs somehow, which was why I was damn excited to see kcs get the improvement award for this year psle! Every year when I flip through the newspapers trying to find kcs name, I never did, until this year when I saw and started shouting lol. Although it's very likely that kcs did badly the previous year so could have big improvment...

Suddenly remembered how 6.6 used to go out so often after sec 4, in fact it was the only thing I remembered during that long holiday. I can't really remember what else I did. And also how we would have msn convo, and someone will notify the rest in that convo when I finally updated my blog with my trademark super long and detailed blog post on our outing, where I will record down every joke and small action. Haha I should go back and read it someday and have a good laugh at myself lol.

Today, when I finally met up with them, I really felt a lot. I can really feel that everyone has grown up, and the us now is different even from the us last year. There's still the bond between us although we havent meet up for super long, if not we wont bother going for the gatherings. Especially how last minute tonight's one was, and on a weekday night some more. Still got 8 of us which is quite a decent number. And when yichin told me that kahkoon wanted to ask for an outing before he flew, I felt quite touched leh. Together with the random 'who's free for a drink tonight' on our fb group. I might be naive, but I think it shows that people care enough about the class to want to meet up.

Although we are not very close to every single one, but it still feels nice hanging out. You get to see how everyone of us has changed, and talk about other classmates. Tonight I felt like we were all more matured as compared to before, from the way we interacted. But when the guys went crazy they still did things like marching at the skygarden, while me and shermaine stood at the side watching them from the back. Haha feels like a movie angle that will bring nostalgia. It's like how they are bringing the side of their childish playful side with their childhood playmates lol. Which I believe is something that is more difficult to bring out among new friends in uni, because there's the 形象 that you need to take care of.

I believe that knowing someone from young helps to add a deeper layer and meaning to the friendship although you might not keep in constant contact with him or her. Because there's the notion that you've seen the person grow up so you know how this person is like, and that both grew up together. There's the feeling of '那些年，我们一起_____'. Which is how I felt too when I met huiqing. Although she's older than us and supposed to take care of us, but you also see how she started with her first few jobs, and changed to other jobs along the way. Especially her change after she got married, she seemed to become more 稳中. And I know she feels very glad too that me and zhixin are still so close after 7 years, because she's the one who brought the 2 of us together, and we are one of the first few people whom she took care of from sec 1. From the 年少无知的小孩子，to the 'ladies' which she always used to address us.

Wah so much nostalgia but I need to stop cos it's 2am and my dad is scolding me ): tomorrow, I shall write another post to wrap up this fruitful and eventful 2011, then my new year resolutions!:D

2011-12-27T00:56:00.002+08:00

What's nice about overseas is that it isn't filled with high rise buildings, so you can see the endless vast blue sky clearly. The sky is always blue-Er on the other side(:

Going overseas make you feel very relaxed because when you leave your own country, you also leave behind your own identity and reputation. You enter into an unknown place where people don't know you, so you can behave as you wish without worrying about the stares from others. Sometimes I even let my guard down (at the right times) and talk to strangers to learn more about them. Because when I'm overseas, I want to talk to people and learn about the culture and the place since I'm already there. It's especially so when you are going free and easy, because there's no one else there to rely on, but you have to be independent and actively seek from others.

We met a lady that was sitting beside us on our bus journey there. Cos she was sitting between meijun and I, she caught our questions and helped us answer. Then we started talking and she was super friendly and nice. She asked us about the 3 of us and uni, and we asked her about her family. She even asked if we have anybody to contact during emergency, and gave us her number when we say we didn't! That's why I like traveling in small groups esp when the few of us are just young harmless girls so strangers also find it easier to talk to us cos we are no threat haha! And probably they will be curious how come such a small group of girls are doing in a foreign land, because we are not the usually groups of people that travel tgt, neither family or a big group of friends. She commented that we were very courageous(haha Asd!) but to me I didn't really see it that way! Probably because I romanticize traveling and find it something really interesting so it's something exciting instead! And with the more exploration I do nowadays, I seem to get more adventurous. Im not that scared of crossing roads today lol. Haha but still must be careful la.

I actually thought it will be good if we get to travel more often on such random simple trips. But after Evelyn and meijun mention it, I realize it's not good to have too often because it will become normal and less exciting Liao haha! Once or twice per holiday with different groups of people is good(:

Suddenly I wonder how it's like when you go to a totally unfamiliar country for long term like studying. You can't really see it as traveling because you will be there long term and the things that you are seeing for the first time will not be your only time, but likely will been seen very often while you are there. But with every new place you go to, its like discovering a new environment and yet it's supposed to be home for you. Aiya don't know how to put down to words.

Anyway that kind lady even offered to give us a lift to jonker street when we weren't sure what way to go to. Wah totally shoten zenjin leh, saved us a lot of time! And although it's not very good to accept strangers ride since they can just drive you anywhere, our judgement just know that she's nice and won't do much harm. But will there be a chance that someone we thought is harmless according to our 'accurate' judgement is actually out there to do harm to us? really hope that shoten zenjin is always out there to protect us and that such a situation will never happen! And also I feel that when people are warm to me, I shouldn't 拒绝他们的好意. Especially after the person insist repeatedly. Because sometimes people are just nice to want to help, but rejecting them is like not reciprocating and doubting your trust in them when they trust you. Foreigners sometime say that Singapore is a cold place, probably because we are too skeptical and realistic so warm acts are not being appreciated and we are always on our toes to protect our interests that we think others are out to destroy. Like how a realist thinks that human nature is bad. But it is not necessarily so! I think that people are able to judge for themselves about someone's character especially after interacting face to face with that person. But why do so many people still get cheated by 披着羊毛的狼?

I think a lot of judgments are based on stereotypes. Like for us girls, we tend to be more comfortable with girls thinking that they are not really capable if doing and having the thought to want to do harm. But for guys we will naturally be more in guard and trust less. And when I'm in Malaysia, I tend to feel more comfortable and trust the Chinese more than Malays. But it really shouldn't be the way because there are many kind Malays too! Maybe it's due to ability to interact easier since the same language is being used. Hopefully after I learn malay such stereotypes won't be as bad..

Meijun mentioned that everytime you go back to a place that you've been, you can never feel exactly the same way again. Because every time you are there, a different feeling and set of memory will be present that will influence how you view the place at that point of time. It's quite wow actually that it can be said that everything is ultimately based on our own thoughts. We choose to see and believe what we want to. The sea can be horrifying, threatening, romantic, or relaxing, depending on the life state that you're in when you're viewing it.

I like this line from Wicked, "Truth is agreed on." Everything seems to be based on human's thoughts, but yet human thoughts are influenced by societal factors and many others. It's all very complex when you think about it, how it seems to be in a cycle but how we can never find a definite or root reason as how our thoughts are formed. Everything under the sun seem to be a mixture, a balance. Its like the cars on the roads, there are so many different paths and permutations that will bring you to a certain destination of thought, and from there, there are once again uncountable number of other paths that you can take, each with a different destination. Some paths bring you to the same destination, but the experience along the way would be different, and it would affect your perspectives on the place you are in, which eventually builds up to something bigger on how everyone have different views on different things.

2011-12-16T23:18:00.002+08:00

Just finished watching wicked and it's good!!(: go watch it friends! Please don't continue reading this post unless you've watched it, or don't want to watch and need persuasion from me hehe!

The singers, especially the wicked witch, have such wonderful voices (sounded a bit Disney though) that you can totally feel their emotions. The wicked witch, performed by jemma rix, is so good I totally fell in love with her voice!! Not just nice but her technique is so good her 假音 is so gentle and sweet and the transition between her power voice and that is awww... Makes my hair stand!! I'm listening to jemma rix's defying gravity again and again, and I think hers is still the best among the many other versions, seriously. Actually that scene was actually so powerful in terms of visual and everything else, but I could only concentrate on her singing. I think I would not have liked the musical so much if she wasn't the one acting! If someone struck lottery please treat me to watch wicked a second time haha I want to hear her sing again but I'm just a poor student ): But I'm quite sad that she's not so known as compared to other actors of elphaba, because she really deserves it!

Then their use of props are so creative and the way they transit between scenes is soooo smooth and fast and wow! They dont need 黑衣人 to help them shift the props, because they have tracks on the stage that allow the props to move automatically! They even have a little bridge at the top where actors can go up and use that extra area. The lighting is good too, all the different colours and the thing that you put over to make different patterns in the light(Alamak forget the name><). I like how they play with the lights such that it does more than just illuminating, but also to dance around with the actors and to show the different areas.

It's really such a pity I only see all these after doing Huangcheng, because all these would have helped us to come up with better ideas for our stage design and play around with different kinds of 呈现手法。now I really really regret how unprepared I was before doing Huangcheng..): I should sit down and read 城说 someday and also think of other ways on how I can present 别无选择..

Watching shows is really such an expensive hobby>< I agree with what yuensin when she say that it's price inelastic, because there really isnt much of a choice if you really want to watch something. I feel so glad and appreciative that at least I have scholarship allowance that will support my expensive hobby. haha need to 培养文化修养:D

2011-12-14T22:37:00.002+08:00

Just came back from toa Payoh zone meeting and I feel lots of mixed feelings, but I must let my negative feelings turn to motivation for human revolution!

Realized that I've been drifting a lot from 4 division in gakkai, while I spent most of my Soka time in Sd. It's so different as compared to when I was in d5, when there were forever meetings and home visits to go to. Maybe that's why this holiday I suddenly feel so so chill and have like nothing to do, got so much time to myself that I'm not used to it.

When shirl went up to share her testimonial for her fight against cancer, I suddenly had tears welled up in me. Because I realized that I've been so selfish and not caring enough about others as what Buddhism always teaches especially when I'm a leader. I've forgotten about shirl and her situation after a while when people stop mentioning about her. And I didn't even send an SMS to her to encourage her or anything. I'm so angry at myself for being such a person! Cos I think when you truly care about someone, the person will not be forgotten. You don't have to think of him or her every single moment, but it's the thought that comes in when you do or think of certain stuff and be reminded of the person every now and then. and not totally forget someone.

Anyway while I've been transferred to d4, I think I've been dropping in faith cos d5 is really damn power! Although d4 has damn strong Wd too! It's not supposed to be that way, cos they transferred me to help d4, and it's also a chance for me to challenge and be a better leader since I cannot be reliant on huiping anymore.

Boon Hwee always tell me how the chapter leaders see a lot of potential in me, but I always wonder where that potential is and I don't see it myself. He told me that I'm lucky to be able to be a leader and contribute and learn at a young age, when others like him haven't even started practicing seriously at my age. Maybe that's an advantage for me in the sense that I have the fortune to learn about Buddhism from a young age. But like what Chee kiong shared, something is wrong when people keep saying you have the potential. Its not a good thing because the potential always remain a potential, and has yet to be unlocked to become your actual strength. Time after time I'm passively waiting for that chance to unlock the potential, but like what I learnt from the gm today, one can't rely on others to chant for you, you have to ultimately depend on yourself and your own daimoku. So same thing, it's not about the external cause that will change you, change has to come from within yourself.

Have to include gakkai publications on my holiday reading list, it can't always be just fiction and hard truth. I need to do my human revolution to get rid of that fundamental darkness that I grew more consciously aware of. I must have the capacity to truly care for many people at the same time and work for the happiness of others.

Must be able to do so to be a good leader, then I can move on and fulfill this little dream and promise to become a fd ic to repay my gratitude to fd! Nearly forgot about that until I met huiqing today and she reminded me of it.

Then as I grow up especially after entering uni, I noticed there's a change in me, and today I finally realized that I've turned more inwards and starting to feel the solitude that everyone ultimately has to face. The movie one day mentioned that 'I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.' I really hope someday I will be able to achieve that kind of lifestate.

As I grow up I experience more things, and it becomes clearer that everyone is different inherently, due to the different interests that each of us have and the different family upbringings that we go through. It is not possible to find someone who will understand every single of your feeling, that would be quite creepy and there’s no need for communication already. Instead I probably should admit and recognize the fact that we are all different and we need to build up a strong self; good friends whom can share your joy and sorrow are sort of a bonus, but you cant die without them cos ultimately we are all independent individuals. Sounds quite sad and pessimistic to me, but I guess that's just the cold hard truth...><

Going genting together with zhixin's family is really an interesting travelling experience. Besides the fun that I have with them, they taught me a lot. I saw how their family interacted, and I start to better see how the characters of the 3 siblings are being shaped. Family has such an important influence on every individual. And the fact even more brought out the solitude because everyone is being brought up uniquely by our parents, and so we will not have the same views on things, or how we behave.

2011-12-01T23:14:00.002+08:00

I just started (finally) on LKY's hard truths and it's an amazing experience reading it after 1 sem of uni and political science. Because I'm able to understand what he's trying to say better after learning the concepts, and able to see them in a real context.

And after reading, I start to realize more and more how difficult it is to be a good journalist. And I'm so far from being a zai journalist. You must be able to think of critical questions and handle all sorts of responses. Not to forget being able to write articles with depth. It's more than just reporting events, because media has the responsible and ability to shape soceity's opinions and views.

Commentaries are really very important. Imagine news with only facts and hard news without analysis and opinions. People might just take it at face value and not see the bigger implications, especially when not everyone is skilled at everything. Media can tap on resources to bring such expertise and share with everyone. New are just the basis to form analysis of society to gain greater insights.

I need to learn how to think more and formulate my own thoughts and opinions on issues and people. Sometimes I feel like I want to study lots of modules in uni because they are very useful in helping you understand the world. With every bit of knowledge gain, we will feel like we have matured and understand this world a bit more. There's so much more things to know but I will strive hard to be like one of those zai journalists helping younger colleagues along the way (:

Was talking to evelyn that day, and I had this important enlightenment! Many times I realized that when we want to to find a justification of doing something, we will need to link it to some material goal to justify it as a good enough reason. When I was studying for SS, I kept questioning why does Singapore want us to link back to our cultural roots. What can Singapore gain from it? Like how we will feel more attached and feel a sense of belonging so we would not move away from Singapore as easily? Or to retain our traditions and values? I kept thinking the retaining of traditions is not a good enough ultimate reason because how will Singapore benefit from it? Then I realized, why must it be a material, tangible benefit as the goal? Why can't it be solely because they want us to keep our values? Although I still think the (practical) government wont settle for anything less than a practical reason, but as individuals we can do it! Thinking is not a means to an ends, but an end to itself. Who say arts is meaningless haha! Please don't fall into the trap that we are shaped from young that all 'good'goals are tangible ones.

After reading first chapter of hard truths, I realized how practical he is. Probably government needs to be super practical because it needs to ensure the survival of the many people and allows no room for failure. Because they are working on a macro level so lots of things are at stake. But as individuals, I believe we have the room to be not so practical at all times, but do things based on how you believe it should be and how you want it to be. Because we are responsible for our own lives and we write the own script of our lives. According to LKY, to ensure the security of Singapore, we need to have a strong military. To have strong military power, we need to have strong economy to provide for that. To have a strong economy, we need to make good use of our human resource, which means they need to squeeze as much tangible benefits as they can from us. It makes sense, but intangible things shouldn't be neglected too. Probably as individuals, we need to build up our own values and beliefs, instead of blindly following how we are supposed to be. So that we can learn how to strike a balance between practical concerns that ultimately affect the country as a whole, and also moral concerns that affect society and our own lives. Both are important, but different groups of people are tasked to achieve each of these goals. That's why the government has their role to play, and religion also has theirs. Education fulfils both, I believe.

Life is all about balancing, there's no clear right and wrong. Sometimes I feel irritated because I just want the easy way out by giving me the 'correct' answer where I'll just follow and accept, but life's not like that and that's where the uncertainty makes it interesting and amazing all the more.

2011-11-29T15:41:00.005+08:00

I love the feeling that I'm feeling right now. After finals, nothing much to worry or stress about, and you have the whole day to yourself doing things that you want to do, like finally. The only thing is I dont have a camera with me to take the raining photos, I had to resort to my iphone camera which is not good ):

The best thing was that after reading one chapter of my book just now, I just started to think about stuff non stop and the thoughts just came non-stop and I was just nuaing on my bed, staring at the rain and thinking about stuff that I read from 张曼娟 book and the 2 movies I watched last night, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, One Day. And I just sat there thinking for at least 20 minutes, and I didn't have the kind of pressure that, oh im being distracted, because thinking doesnt becoming unwelcoming anymore when you need to concentrate and study, but it becomes something that you want to, and are doing.

It's really such a nice life like that, if only I had more of it. And there's the freedom that I can get since I'm in hall and my parents are not around, so basically my time is up to me to spend. Hall now feels like my room, rather than a place in school to study and sleep. It's nice to have your own room, which I've never really had, to have your own space and to decide how you want to spend the time as you want.

连续从电影和书本中读了几篇爱情故事，似乎对这个世界上最神秘的东西有了更多见解。爱情并没有想象中那么完美，而且所谓的爱并不是只能给一个人的。两部电影里，主角都互相深爱彼此，但是身边的那个人，却往往不是她最爱的人。我一直以为，爱情就只能给那么一个人，其他都不是真正的，可能只是一时冲动。但爱情这件事，本来就是很不理性的，重要的是那种心动，心会抽动，而这并不是科学能过解释的。人生中，每个人都会在不同时候，不同环境，遇到让你心动的人。而随着人生的一个个阶段来来去去，能让你心动的原因会改变、能带给你心动的人也会不一样。但，我们能说得上哪个是‘真爱’吗？只要用心去感受、用心去换回这份心动，每份心动当下都是切切实实的，是‘真’的。只是外在环境不断地改变，这份心动没办法跟得上，所以就迷失方向，等待着下一个能出现的机会。

有些心动是隔了很长时间，但还是不曾消失的。那种跨越时间和环境的，是真爱吗？或许吧，但又有多少人会有幸遇到这样的一个人？爱情太过靠缘分了，天时地利都要对，不然再相爱也不能有好结果。

Benjamin button 电影有这一段很有意义。他说，人生一切都是命运的安排。一个芭蕾舞者会被车撞，是很多无法控制的细小因素拼凑形成的。当时的德士被一辆罗厘挡住而慢了下来，而这司机因为忘了调闹钟而迟起，他要拿蛋糕时服务员忘了在昨天替他包好，因为服务员刚分手而心不在焉。若当时服务员没有分手，她没有忘记包好，司机记得调闹钟，罗厘不会刚好在那个时候后退而挡住德士，芭蕾舞者也就不会在那时撞上德士，而她也就不会被迫停止她的舞蹈生涯。这些看似不重要的小小环节，若其中一个没有发生，最终的结局将会是不一样的。命运每次捉弄我们，但也带给我们很多惊喜。人生无常。

总是要把想到的都写下来，但是看起来有点困难。想的东西太广了，而有些东西只有当下才会突然想到。

The semester ended just like that, and steph was saying just now how school doesnt seem to have a proper closure. So i'm going to close it myself lol.

I've met a few people who were so nice and warm to help me in my studies, and they really saved me a lot and for that im really grateful. Made me feel that uni 还有希望。But the really frustrating is that, I receive a lot of help from others, but many times I find myself not being able to repay their kindness by helping them too (in terms of academics), becuase I'm really too weak in academics to provide much useful help. So I determined that I must be able to improve so much so that in the future, I will be able to spread the love and help others when they need help too!

Studying history made me realize that I prefer looking at things in a more micro way. I really don't like the fact that when studying history, many statements and numbers become very cold. Like when they say 2 million soldiers died in XXX war, behind this simple statement, there are actually 2 million stories behind it, and all are tragic stories. How the family has to go through the pain of a lost child, how a bright life is sacrificed like that. We learn the strategies of the different countries on how they choose to send their troops and attack, but do they realize how much lives are affected by such decision. There's the thing about sacrificing yourself to achieve something greater for your country and future generations, but I really hate the idea of war. I can't understand why some people are so willing to give up their lives. And for those who are forced to join the army as much as they don't want to, I really feel sorry for them. It's not their fault that they are invovled in all the horrible warfare, it's the fault of those ruling elites that just want to expand their territory and power. GRRR hate it.

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Should stop watching movies alr. Watch too much information overload. Just watched 蓝色大门和那些年！I really hate the feeling when a good movie is being over rated by fellow friends so when you go watch it with high expectations you will be disappointed. As compared to when you discover a good movie yourself. nxn is good, but the more I think about it the more ou Xiang ju I feel it is, though it's indeed a nice and heartwarming movie la. The more such movies I watch, the more I realize that the one you end up marrying might not be the one you love the most, because marriage is not just about love. I guess it's easy to love, but how that love is going to be maintained and last is another thing, where external factors start coming in. Or maybe I'm just pessimistic now cos the past 4 movies that I watched in less than 48 hours are all endings where the people who are in love don't end up tgt ><

I love how the 4 of us shared one tiny bed last night, despite the fact that we each have our own rooms and beds in hall. It's quite funny actually, the 4 of us lying vertically with our legs propped up on a chair or drawer. With wy complaining that she don't dare to turn around cos I'm too close later she scared she ended up accidentally kissing me lol. I didn't had a good night sleep, but it was really an interesting experience. 青春就是要拿来挥霍，好好地疯狂大玩一场，回头看时，就能毫无遗憾地说我做了这些、我感受了多种情绪、我活过了。趁年轻还没有什么负担时，就给自己一个或更多的机会，全心全意凭感觉来完成你想要的、你所热忱的。

Life is full of regrets. A certain rash decision that you make at that point of time will have bigger implications that ultimately affect how your life turns out. And when what's done is already done, as much as you regret your decision, you have no choice but to just live with it and 学会放手. Just thought of the last few scenes of nxn when the guy flashback and think of the alternative scenes of the night that they quarreled, where they will end up apologizing and things will go back to normal. But because of that burst of anger, all the alternative scenes can only remain part of his imagination, and their decision at that point of time shaped them to the situation where they are at now. 生活要好好珍惜，因为一旦一不小心，最珍爱的东西会从你的手指缝隙中流走。有时是命运在捉弄无法控制的、有时又是人为决定所造成的。

“那些年錯過的大雨
那些年錯過的愛情
好想擁抱妳　擁抱錯過的勇氣“

alamak endless thoughts sia. I like taiwan 校园片, because its very heartwarming and innocent, and at the same time you realize how different Singapore is from taiwan. Taiwan has that romantic feel in school, in Singapore it's just studying and studying on everyone's mind. I like the idea of how taiwanese 很注重情书，I think it's really nice to receive all these handwritten notes where you can keep them and take out to read and feel it again. And they're much more open about all these, and less polluted scandals I guess. More innocent and carefree!

2011-11-22T02:15:00.002+08:00

Didnt manage to study much tonight, but I guess its too late for me to start another lecture slides. I was talking to someone just now, and it was nice trying to see things that are just way out of your perspectives because certain things just don't go your way. When I thought things were bad, there's always things that other people go through that will seem worse. And ultimately I realize that with the life that I'm leading now, my social group of friends, and my socialization process (sorry my mind's full of soci concepts now) my life cant get much worse or complicated.

I guess when people say choose your friends wisely, they really mean it. Because friends are such a big part of your life and it can affect your life so so much. It can affect the kind of relationships you enter, the situations and falls that you face in life, and the resulting attitude that you live with. The attitude and our outlook of life is so important because it will affect how you handle situations in the future. Sometimes I know that I shouldn't just stick in my own social circle all the time, because the outside world is really different and my social circle is so so protected. I'm eventually going out to work, and as I grow old see more unpleasant stuff that are more and more difficult to avoid. But then again, my friends that I have now are people that I really cherish, and I seriously cannot imagine life without them. And that friend just now told me it's good I have such friends, and I must keep them, because such friends are harder to come by as we grow up.

I actually think that my internship went on rather smoothly without major problems because I was still in sheltered place, where my life in zaobao was quite pleasant and a nice working environment with nice colleagues. But I don't know how long all these are going to last, because come to think of it, I think the younger colleagues are different from the previous generation, in the sense that they are more guarded about their stuff, and are more protective of their interests and more materialistic if I were to say. The older generation seemed more filled with passion, which explains why they are still on that job after so many years. I really wonder what's going to happen when the older generation gradually retire, and younger generation like us are going to lead everyone else. Would we still have that strong Chinese values that shaped the culture of the people and the environment? As I grow up and start to understand society better, I really start linking back to my Chinese values much more because I really treasure them when I see how big an impact it actually has. It's really so comforting to know that weiying and I feel the same way (:

"What's the point of trying?" I meant to tell my friend in the bgr sense and not attitude towards life as a whole. Being such an idealist, I believe in fate and all, but I start to understand the practicality of this issue and the reality. For guys, they have to keep trying and trying although they might have fell so hard for so many times, because there's still the gender stereotype that guys are supposed to be the one taking initiative, and that if there's anything wrong, it's always the guys' fault. But if they don't try, nothing will happen because girls are unlikely to take the first move. I dont think all these can be generalized into the stereotypes, but they are true to a certain extent.

This is quite ridiculous and funny, but I had this weird dream last night, and in that dream I felt so much emotions once again. Somehow I dreamt that I was together with this mediacorp actor which I'm too shy to say. I dont know why I dreamt of him specifically, he's not even my idol or anything, I just happen to see his photo on the newspaper the previous day -.- But because of this dream I could really feel for all the things that sociology was teaching me, I felt it 'first hand' in my dream.

There's so much different aspects that were against the norm of what we learn in a family. There's the thing about age, because I'm only a young student, and he's already a mature adult, and we have this huge age gap. So there's the social stigma of age gap, and this age gap leads to differences in how we lead our lives. Like I was still studying and he's already working with money so he can afford to buy a house which the notion of it seemed so far from me. And because he's a celebrity he's rich so he can afford an expensive house with expensive furnishings, which was not what I'm used to. Then there was also the fact that he's from mediacorp and I'm from sph but that's really lame la -.- And in real life, he's already married, although his wife didnt appear in my dream, I wonder if I was the di san zhe lol. (omg I feel damn paiseh talking about all these because it's really such a ridiculous dream, but I really learnt a lot from it!)

Then in my dream, I already noticed all these differences that we had, how we were so different from any normal couple. Age gap, class difference etc, and I felt very torn if it should be continued. Because there's the thing about social stigma how people would view deviances, and how there will be a lot of differences in perspectives and living from the different backgrounds that will be sources of much friction. I really could feel the emotions of having to make such a painful decision (although now a bit forget liao) in my dream and for that hour after I woke up.

When i woke up, I start to feel and understand better how it's not easy for 'deviant' couples to be together, because they have to face differences between the 2 of them, and also how society pressures them. And also the other time when I dreamt about my baby liu chan. Seriously, what other better way to let yourself stand in others' shoes and feel their emotions and learn to understand their perspectives, yet without having to really go through it in real life? Dreams are so wonderful man, I'm really amazed at what it can do. If only we can control our dreams, there's so much to learn from all these dreams and bring them back into real life. Best thing is we can choose only to bring back the moral of the story and not the situation that happened. Hopefully with all these advances in science, someone can create a dream machine where we can programme situations that we want to better understand in our dreams haha.

Ok shall prepare to sleep now and must study liao NO SLACKING!! hopefully I will ahve another educational dream again haha! (thoguh it will mean I won't have a good enough rest><)

2011-11-18T02:25:00.003+08:00

I've been slacking these 2 nights, but I feel so much happier which I havent felt for quite a few days already amidst all these mugging.

Went to have super impromptu supper with yishun and jueying last night, and I was surprised at how happy I felt taking a break from all the mugging and have fun relax and talk. The idea of supper seemed really far away, like supper is only when I'm super free and not when finals are less than a week away! People always say concentrate on doing what you're doing at that moment and don't think about other things. So when you're taking a break, make sure that you fully take a break and not be guilty and stressing yourself with the thought of many undone matters. (Ok that justification was for me, but its true haha) I don't know how I did it, but my mind didn't wander back too much about the piles of notes unfinished, and we just talked and catch up. Maybe that's how guys always seem so chill lol. But ya must find balance la can't relax too much.

Then tonight I was in steph room and talking about how we looked last time, then I went to show her my sec 1 super ahma photo, and some of my old photos. Then she went fb and showed me hers, so I just went to my fb photos too and started scrolling through all of them. And I felt so contented and happy looking through all of them and soaking myself into the nostalgia. Most of my photos were in school uniform or related to huangcheng, and it made me miss hwachong so much once again. (I decided I shall go back to hwachong tomorrow to study although I can't find anyone go with me!)

I went to ask joeylee if she wanted go back hwachong study tomorrow, and we started talking. It's really nice you know (: Then yuensin came online and we skyped a while, and haha I have stuff to tell you in response but you were too excited to share what was on your mind so I shall write down someday after my finals haha!

Ok and now zhixin is tsking me for slacking at this time when I should supposedly be staying up late to mug><

Studying is so much better when you're enjoying life at the same time. It wont bring in stress, which will bury all the joy and passion in studying. Ok tomorrow I must really really be efficient liao. Hopefully the nostalgia of going back to hwachong will motivate me to study even harder and efficiently!!

Jiayou friends! I can't wait for holidays!!:D (Actually I think I'm too burnt out liao that's why I'm starting to slack so much more oops)

2011-11-10T19:51:00.002+08:00

Finals are getting really near like in 10 days! And because everything in uni is so fast, which includes exams coming so fast, it doesn't feel real! I know it's the urgent period already, but im still studying very slow, and even taking time out to blog here lol. Ok la im giving myself a break after dinner since steph is doing so too haha!:D

Went to see yuensin's photos again and her blog. How I wish I was right there at UK mannn. Studying there is so much more interesting, and I really like it how you have so much passion for whatever that you're studying now. No complaints from you, just joy of studying and reading and learning again and again! I feel happy for you, you found your right place (:

Or maybe I should try harder to find joy? But is that how it really works? Joy should be felt instinctively, and not creating it just to make your life better. I do enjoy reading SOME of the stuff that I'm learning now, but exams really kills all that interest. Or maybe it's how I choose to view it, because revision of exam is a chance where you force yourself to sit and gain knowledge, where after all these, you will feel so much more smarter and starting to see things clearer and clearer.

Did my revision on aging and society just now. And suddenly my thoughts couldn't stop flowing, there's so much thoughts and observations about it that I see, and somehow I can see everything linked up together. How all the topics link up too! Aging, media, deviance, gender, ethnicity. they're all so related! I wanted to skip some topics and not study, but I think I can't because they are all important in helping you understanding the whole issue.

Maybe it's how I must learn to manage my stress. ENjoy the preparation for exam period instead of over stressing and bringing out the negative feelings towards study. ARGH stupid competitive system here with that bell curve! I'm like struggling between these two sides of the good and bad of studying, and it reminds me of the lyrics that you wrote evelyn!(: Must constant struggle man!

Haha paiseh that was just a totally random post to motivate myself, especially after how I always feel when I see friends enjoying themselves in UK (because I will wish that I was there grr). and I hope it motivates you all too, keep finding joy in studying and never lose the passion for learning!:D

2011-11-05T13:14:00.001+08:00

Simple joy lies in little things. Just saw this family with 2 young kids, not those well to do family, but I think they might see happiness clearer than the rich. They saw their bus coming and the mum lead the way and started chasing for the bus. The thing that attracted my attention most was the fact that she was smiling when chasing the bus like it's something interesting and like she was enjoying it. Seldom I remember seeing people smile when chasing bus!

Behind her the rest of the family was also chasing trying to catch up. The little boy was having such a fun time he smiled so widely. His younger sister felt the same too, and the father suddenly just carried her in his arms and continued to run but at the same time giving such a big help to his daughter.

I really felt quite touched seeing that scene before me. Reminds me of what I read that day about a minister's comment that Bhutan citizens are not that happy because while working in the field they have to worry About their harvest which is unpredictable.

This Bhutan spoke up in his blog and said they don't measure happiness in economic terms. And I realized how scary it is that singaporeans and the government have been influenced and shaped to think of everything in economic terms. Even happiness is also about material value.

Yesterday HOME director came to give us a talk for our ss lecture. He mentioned how to push for day off for domestic workers, he have to use the economic argument that with rest maid will be able to work more efficiently. He only uses that because he knew the government always see things in their economic value. When actual fact is that maids are also human and they deserve rights like anyone else. Not giving them free day is like slavery, because all other jobs in spore are covered under the employment act to have off days and such.

Then at the end of lecture, which the speaker was rather persuasive, at least to me, a guy behind me just shrugged off this topic and said 'I care about myself(locals) first.'

Maybe that's why we need philosophies and religions to hold us down in real life. Since the practical society now doesn't allow people to develop their moral aspects as how there are chances to polish our ability to create monetary value.

The human rights situation in spore is really worse than I thought. Before that I always thought that human rights wasn't that important or pressing an issue in Singapore. But it's not really true. The stuff that these foreign low wage migrant workers are going through are really quite unforgivable. Staying in slums at orchard road construction site building luxury condos for the rich, while they themselves are not the least bit recognized or appreciated for the hard work that they put in. Makes me rethink about human rights in spore...

Chee soon Juan was always fighting for such things, and people always viewed him as a crazy person. My parents and I thought the same way, and I'm sure we are not the only ones. But now I'm starting to rethink if all these are just propaganda to make people think this way to dismiss his credibility. Although I have no idea how he's like, but at least now I'm considering the possibility that he isn't what people think he is. Haiz politics...

I like how I can link what I observe in daily life and the different mods that I learn in uni together. Makes learning more interesting. Which is why I still want to take arts even though my essay writing skills suck. Learning is always interesting while having exams are not sigh. But oh wells exams are there to force us to mature our thinking. And let me realize that I'm so far off from everything>< so i shall jiayou!!(: and everyone else too!:D

2011-10-26T09:33:00.001+08:00

Yesterday when eliza came to my hall for lunch, we started looking at photos after photos. First I went to look at the photos of friends who are already in some nice romantic country, supposedly leading the same life as me as a uni student. But I realized there's so much more to it!

Going out to watch plays, visiting some nice countryside with wide open green fields. Cooking dishes every few days. It's filled with LIFE man!!

Where else here I am, stuck in my hall studying and studying all the time without allowing myself much entertainment. Even when I spend time with my friends I will feel so pressured and guilty for not using that time to study instead. The mugger mode has once again been ingrained in me. And I don't like it how Singapore education system has caused us to be like this. Studying is supposed to be an enjoying process and not something that you do unhappily.

During last week Zadankai, a few of us students agreed that we like studying but we don't like exams. But in this society we are so much focused on exams rather than studying. There are times when I feel like crashing other lectures that I'm interested to learn more, but I don't do that because I will be thinking I should be using that time to study to do well for my own modules results.

After looking at the photos, I came to realize that I need a life man. I shouldn't be guilty when I'm taking breaks and meeting friends, because life is not just about studying man. Ok la although it's true that we are having finals soon, as compared to the uk people who only started soon not long ago and have the excitement of exploring a new country. So not fair to compare like that.

It's still important to strike a balance la, because ever since that day I haven't been mugging hard enough and five myself quite a lot of breaks. Finding a balance is like trying to balance and stand on a ball like this clowns--- you always need to be on your toes and put in constant effort and pay constant attention to continue staying on balance, the more you do and practice it the better your balancing skills get.

2011-10-18T19:04:00.001+08:00

Horrible day today and I wonder if it's because I never do morning gongyo though I shouldn't think that way. After all it's quite often for me to not do now><

Slept at 3.45am last night cos junli came up to specially help me with my history essay when he haven't started at all. I'm really very grateful for what he did, considering that we are not very close in the first place, and he was also running on a tight deadline. There's actually a lot for me to learn from all these hall people, it's amazing how they can juggle all these. how they can still chill late at night and go play captains ball random. I guess hall really suit certain kind of people who can work even without being able to plan a proper schedule. Or be damn zai. Or can cheong last minute one.

Today when I wad 1.5 hours away from my history essay, I asked huiwen's friends to help me read, and they are so wonderfully zai I'm so far away from them and yet I need to and want to be good too! They read very fast and catch main points very fast. That's smth that I really need in this explosive info age. I always wonder how editors who are so busy and yet can read so much more news from different countries and sources than me! And I nee to be like them eventually.

Actually I know uni education is going to train me in the aspects I need the most, such as reading fast, think critically analytically, be independent, argue and write well, talk well. I always say work is easier for me than studies. Maybe cos I only look at work from an intern's pov. When I become full time, expectations are higher and my tasks are going to be more difficult. If I don't get my foundation build well now I am going to have a hard time when I work too, and I don't want that to happen cos I don't want to lose passion in a job that I like because of such factors that are still within my control. Hmm that can be a motivation for me.

I don't want to be a full time mugger, I need my social life too. But I guess at this point of time and the situation that I'm facing now, studies is still more
Important. I have to give up some of my social life and concentrate in studies. Anyway I'm still going to go out with my old friends and go for gakkai activities. So I'm not going to become a tortoise or anything if I don't stay in hall. If it doesn't suit me, I shall not force it on me. It's a challenge definitely, but maybe I need to recognize the different types of challenge. If I'm currently staying in hall and have no choice, I have to struggle and make the best out of whatever situation I'm in. But if I have a choice and I still choose the way which I know won't suit me, then it will be quite silly of me to do so. Must always know the limits. Some are for you to push, some cannot be done so. 勉强是不会有幸福的.

Ok good I'm guess I'm more or less decided about hall. Shall be optimistic, my bad day helped me come to a decision that has been frustrating me for weeks(:

2011-10-09T01:58:00.003+08:00

Just finished watching 雷雨 with my family at home on the dvd. How apt it is that it's currently raining outside. I really don't know how a 23 year old has the capacity to think of such complicated stuff. I thought only modern people are polluted in the mind, maybe people in the past was also polluted (the story is really not something normal people will think about), or maybe it's just because they are too free to think about random stuff lol. Just like how the director of Human Centipede thought of that idea. Seriously ewwww!

Haha suddenly it reminds me of what's happening in real life. Dramatic moments and storylines. Like what you said, it's really something that scriptwriters love because it's full of drama and conflicts and ups and downs. Drama really do happen in life, but oh well we are peace loving people (Y) It sometimes still feel wahh amazed and unbelievable that such things actually do happen, but that's just 人生如戏，戏如人生 , 我们就要像大海一样懂得释怀。

Why is it that everytime I want to sit down and think about stuff, it's always late at night when I'm supposed to sleep ):

Only I myself can lead my own life. How I want to live my life depends on me. Which in a sense has some conflict with sociology, because we learn that everything is influenced by social factors which is true. Need to find balance between these two.

No one can walk your life for you. Which is why we shouldn't impose our own expectations on others. And not to make decisions for others. Alamak why like opposite with sociology?!

Went for zadankai planning just now, and boonhwee and the other adult division leaders told me stuff about parents and social mobility that I have thoughts about. Shall leave that to tomorrow, and take care of my health by sleeping now (although it's also quite late liao><)

2011-10-06T17:58:00.001+08:00

Mid terms are over whee! And I screwed up both zzz uni in Singapore is so stressful, if only it was like uk where they put emphasis on the later years and less on the first few. anyway speaking about uk, I wanted to blog when yuensin flew, but I can't cos I need to prepare for mid terms><

Yay I managed to catch yuensin online this morning! Was so excited cause I just wanted to on my computer to do my assignment and I was in luck(: yuensin is fine though it's a bit cold in there. Talking online isn't as bad as I thought, but there's still the distance fact that's nagging at me, like I can't reach over and give a pat and stuff like that ><

While I was at the airport, me and Evelyn went to talk to her mum. All along yuensin told me how her mum was feeling, and in a sense I could roughly understand because we come from similar background and our mums are so similar. I wanted to tell yuensin that I dont mind finding her mum once in a while when she's in uk. Then I suddenly realized that if I am willing to do that for someone's mum, why can't I do that for my own mum? I ended up not telling ys, cos I want to treat my mum better first before I do that. There's just so much things in life that we take for granted. I guess we all need time to realize that, but hopefully by then, it won't be too late already.

Just like our health. That day when we went airport, Evelyn was really sick too. And my cough wasn't getting any better even after seeing 4 times of doctor after 1 month plus. Then don't why, maybe Evelyn said something, I had that realization that it's time for me to stop being complacent About my health. From the healthy body that my parents gave me, it's now filled with problems and I still don't really listen to my parents' constant nagging. Staying in hall makes me sleep later and later, where my normal timing is 2am plus. It's really bad )): and weiying told me it's probably cos of my humid room too. Just went to uhc and he said it's probably cos people in hall are coughing and the disease spread. But everyone like recover already, I'm like the sole 'survivor'>< he said my situation is common in ns where the disease spread in the bunk, something called microplasm I think.

He's really a good doctor very friendly and sincere, I even just heard someone on the shuttle bus saying that he's good lol! For the first time since a long time, I'm optimistic about recovering after eating the medicine that he gave me, instead of just eating and thinking that I will still never recover. One's attitude towards others really make such a difference, which is why we must treat everyone as best as we can. And of course I must sleep earlier Liao, now that mid terms are over fortunately. I used to be proud that I seldom fall sick, but recent years are no longer the same. Maybe my lack of sleep really makes a greater difference than I thought. I must get back to my seldom sick mode!!

Anyway, when we sent ys off at the airport, i thought didn't feel anything at all because it was like another time meeting her and I would see her after a few days. We sang 'if we hold on together'(: like the song(:

Then the moment she went in the gate, I started feeling all the emotions swelling up in me. 孤独的背影要到一个从来没去过的遥远地方, 身上背负的是众多希望。

让我想起了鲁迅的＜一件小事＞的那个背影。看着一个人的背影能有着很多感触。可能是因为当事人看不到，所以你可以把视线停留在她身上久一些，让思绪一点一点地涌上。

----------------------------------------
I decided to avoid the crowd so I left hall at 10pm to go home. When I just boarded the bus, I suddenly thought of those days when I mug until damn late in school, and go home at like 11plus. I'm suddenly quite excited that I'm going to repeat that kind of feeling again now lol. Because I'm taking 151 again and by the time I reach hc it will be 11! And the bus is always crowded then although it's damn late because uni students are crazy work until so late then go home one. And now the bus is also rather packed considering its 10.30 now.

I miss hc )): I'm glad that I'm still taking the same bus even when I enter uni, so that I can travel down that familiar route again after 6 years. And see the school that I love, although it's a bit unrecognizable after all that mrt construction.

2011-09-23T17:58:00.001+08:00

好久好久没有回到东海岸了。那个我熟悉的地方，我最喜欢的地方。

大海到过了世界各地，偷听了许多的话语，也感受了各种情感。它似乎有好多好多的话想说，不断地冲上岸，只为表达那澎湃的情绪。也许这是为什么大海能有那么大的包容性，感情是那么的丰富，不管人们带着什么情绪去见大海，大海就是能明白、能体谅，让你听着浪花的声音来安慰心灵。心就应该像大海一样，不断地接受人世间各种各样的情怀，懂得去接受，并释怀。

再见

2011-09-19T01:51:00.000+08:00

Was filled with emotions just now when I reached home, until I couldn't concentrate on reading my notes. Spend like an hour trying to read 1plus page lol.

Today just passed like zoom over! Since morning when I woke up, I went to finalise the photos to print, which I've been spending quite a lot of time trying to choose (it's so difficult to choose because there are just so many memorable photos worth printing!) while looking through all the old photos. And I wasn't the only one, apparently yishun zhiyi also went to look at our old photos. Although I know that I'm super short of time for mugging, I just couldn't help but want to spend time looking through at the old photos and reminiscing. Zhiwei did so much crazy stuff together, we spent so much time together that I wonder how my studies would be like if I use that time to study lol. But one thing that I know for sure, if I spend all that time mugging instead, I wouldn't have made such wonderful friends with memories that will last me through my life. You guys are really a group of very special friends<3

So anyway we went to the airport early and camped at burger king to do the scrapbook for minhua who flew tonight. Then we went to meet him at the departure place. He cried and I really didn't expect him to do that, because so far my sent-offs were happy withotu tears, and I always thought that he only had tears save for things that are very very very important to him. Oh well I guess the friends that he made in Singapore are very very very important:D

The thing that made me the most emotional and teared was not the leaving, but when I saw minhua yishun taking photo together. BROMANCE. Wah I really felt so touched, because you can feel so much between them, 10+years of friendship and 6 years of rooming together etc 酝酿出了这份深厚的兄弟情。They are so often seen together as a thing, which is why a lot huangcheng people will use 'minhua yishun' as a term so like 不分彼此 lol. Haha don't know how to say la, like what yishun wrote 一切尽在无言中，and it's not up to me to talk about their friendship as an outsider, but oh well I feel happy for you 2 la (:

During the whole send-off, seeing him tear/cry non-stop creates undescribable emotions in my heart, but my mind was blank not thinking lol. And I guess the feeling that a friend is overseas won't totally sink in until sometime later when you realize, 'hey i want to meet you but you're so far away and i cant meet you and go out together and create memories together', it really is going to suck man. oh man yuensin ))):

Then just now was suddenly thinking of the send of from a sociological point of view. Haha omg lol Im training myself hehe:p The whole send-off just serves as a function of a representation of the upcoming year and put it as a focal point where it becomes a 管道来抒发你的感情和情绪。Cos the emotions dont really sink in on the send off day, but rather quite some time after that. The send off is just a representation of how you are going to feel in the future, and you're showing it beforehand. Ok I think i'm not making sense my brain's not working properly>< Shall sleep and have a good start for recess week/mugging week!!

2011-09-14T18:05:00.001+08:00

I don't know how stupid I am, but I actually didn't thought of searching for a blogger iPhone app and downloading it! If not I could have blogged more often!

School is crazy now, there's so much to do, which probably explains for my dead blog although I do have things to write about. Or rather I realized that ive forgotten how to slow down in life and think.

Cos I've been so engrossed in work that I HAVE to do, and forgotten about the quality that has to come with it. Like how I've been cheonging my readings and thinking of how to finish that crazy workload, until I've forgotten how to ponder about the arguments that I am presented. It becomes doing for the sake of doing, and in between I've lost the self that always question, something that I was proud to have improved on over the past few months. No wonder tutorials are always so hard for me because i go there with no thoughts, and feel overwhelmed by the intellectual questions that my classmates raised. It's time to believe that I can do it, I just need to find my confidence!(:

Haha blogging will help me think more about stuff, should blog while I'm traveling or something. Made a slight improvement his Afternoon when I read soci, at least I managed to have some questions and thoughts while I'm reading(:

There's so much more that I need to overcome, especially with the challenges that comes from staying in hall. I need to always pause and think of the things and goals I want to achieve, so as not to lose my way.

"don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away"

We can all do it!!:D

2011-08-05T22:16:00.002+08:00

More thoughts on uni. Sigh I really hope this phase will quickly get over and I will settle in with the new life and new environment.

My og went to archie's cafe in campus AGAIN, where everything was just deja vu, just that this time round there are like almost double the people. I dont know if I blogged about it before, during arts camp, my og went there and people started drinking. It was the first time I really saw people getting drunk and high and totally lose control of themself. Although I was just sitting there observing everything around me, it was really an eye-opener, not to forget the free entertainment I get.

I cannot understand why people want to get wasted and lose control like that. It's really scary where something external can totally take over your mind, and you have no say over yourself physically and mentally.

Yesterday, the guys were relatively ok, but the girls were drunk. I had to take care of this female senior before she really lost control to this angmoh. There was this random angmoh who happened to be at the pub, and she started talking to him. She was even sharing the armchair with him, and was literally squeezing herself beside him. I rushed over and quickly pulled her and made her stand up. Then while the two of them were small talking, I observed him eyeing her chest and his hands were getting closer to hers which was resting on the armchair. Thanks goodness someone shouted for all of us to leave the place so the conversation ended. But the guy was trying to get her phone number and I was damn worried for my senior. Luckily she told him that 'i have no cellphone' and didnt give him her number.

Then after that she told me that, if she gave him her number, she knew she might end up having ***( sorry im conservative i don't want that word to appear here lol) with him. Although I seriously don't know how she can still make such a wise decision when she's so drunk, but oh wells I was so relieved. (Can you imagine if it was a guy who was following her back, if he knew her boundaries of ahem and that guy happen to be not so nice, what might happen to her!)

On our way back to SRC, she started to get over her high and slowly revealed her thoughts. She knew that the angmoh was just trying to eat her tofu, and she kept mentioning about her bf. In case anyone chances upon this, I shall not say what she told me. But at one point she really got so sad she started crying about it and kept mentioning her bf. I wanted to just tell her to break up with him because this sort of relationship is really not worth it. I kept telling her you need to take care of youself, you're more important than your bf, but while I was saying it, it was saddening how I know my words will not get to her at such a state.

It's quite worrying how people can do so much harm to themselves due to a fail relationship. I really dont understand how alcohol can cover that. The high that they get from the drink will only last for a while, before all the throat and mouth gets uncomfortable, and the sorrow feeling starts sinking in even more.

I realized people who use alcohol to cover their sorrows always will go through the process of being damn high and dropping damn low at the next moment. Seeing fellow females like that, I really feel sad for them, because they dont 自爱.

I don't know what's the exact reason why she drank, but I think partly also because of peer pressure, like people will ask her to drink. And it happened that she drank that killer shot called yellow sky which i have no idea what that is. It's really important that when you drink you go with the right group of friends.

So while we were having free entertainment, I talked to two of them about all these. One guy told me that he choose to drink only a little because it harms your body. And also partly because of his christian religion. According to him, there's 3 kinds of christians: people who dont drink at all, people who drink in moderation, people who totally dont care and just drink. I admire him by not giving in to peer pressure, which most guys probably would.

Then I talked to another girl who told me she only drink with a group of close friends that she can trust. Because when you drink with people you're not familiar with, you never know what kind of things they might do to you. Which is very true. While I was helping the senior to walk, I had to really grab her body here and there to support her and let her lean on me. I never thought of it that way before until my friend told me, guys with ill intentions can actually take that chance to 'help girls', and the drunk person have lost conscious to care but lean here lean there on the guy. Sigh girls, we must all please learn to protect ourselves ok.

After my 2 months of pre-uni experience, I told myself I need to start learning how to drink already, as much as I really hate the taste of alcohol. I mean as an adult, I will eventually face situations where I need to drink during work. That time liling accidentally drank an alcoholic drink during some press conference, in the end her head got quite heavy and uncomfortable. I must learn to drink a safe amount of alcohol before I get drunk and start doing all sorts of weird nonsense. And saying deep down thoughts and secrets which you don't want the whole world to know.

My friend gave me quite a good lesson haha, there are like 3 main stages of drinking: getting high, drunk, knock out. There's girl who totally knock out and she was crying after that because I think she didn't want her bf to find out. And my friend who was beside her all along said her pupils dilated, so she couldnt look properly. So when I went to toilet and found her sitting down，she was staring straight right through me it was sooooo scary.

I really hope all these will end when school starts, since orientation will always be where people go wildest. But sigh deep down I know that they have another side of them which is ready to pop out anytime, even if they appear as a normal guai mug student in the day.

Or maybe I should just be more understanding and compromising. I cannot like that so 排斥 another kind of lifestyle just because it's different from me. must embrace differences haha.

sigh actually got a lot of things want say one but then too tired and not in the corret atmosphere to do so haha. Because my dad watching tv at the background so very noisy. I enjoy and the freedom that you get from hall haha. So quiet so nice (:

2011-08-04T00:51:00.002+08:00

Another wonderful night with a group of wonderful people (: After a tiring day of arts rag preview (which I think wasn't done quite well><), flagging (where i was so tired i slept at the side of city hall mrt exit lol), I decided to give my block dinner a miss and go out with zhiwei! The seniors are really very nice and tell me that it's ok missing the block dinner instead of giving me pressure to go (:

So I went Holland Village, expecting just the few of us, and there came hengyang and raymond. It was very nice when we each realize that the 7 of us are all from hwachong, especially after days and days of meeting new friends in new environment in a new school. It's really tiring to always need to find something to talk to people, when I'm not especially the chatty kind. And so we started talking about how we feel about hwachong and nus.

THe thing that struck me the most was that they felt the same way too on how there's divide between the english angmoh kind, and the mandarin speaking ones like us. hwachong is different, because you would find more people there who speak chinese and are acceptable towards it although they might not speak much. Familes who are english speaking and chinese speaking have a great difference between them, because language is not just the medium of conversation, it shows a lot more about the culture that you're rooted in. If you see families generally, english speaking usually come from those parents who have received higher education, and these are the people with a higher social class standing. I guess maybe that's how the word atas comes about.

Ok I'm like praising hwachong non stop, but that's what I really feel for. Because of this 'more rooted in Chinese culture thing', hc has more ren qing wei and people there care for one another, instead of being overly competitive and focus too much on results. Haha lol I realize this links back to the Confuscinism thinking that we learnt in csc lol. I vaguely remember doing some assignment about it before!

Then on our way back to our halls, they were telling me how prcs mindset is to study hard and do well because they spend so much money to come here and all that, so they are less active in activities. Then I asked them, how come they don't? hy mentioned something about the culture difference, which I'm currently too tired to recall. And he pointed out something very true, how hwachong and nus prcs are different. They have a different background: hc's are more rich and have better family backgrounds so they are more open; nus' are less so and they're more closed to themselves and do not know what to think or behave in another unfamiliar culture. Like during their performances in kr, you can really feel the difference.

ok i shall end abruptly cos I shall sleep!

2011-08-02T00:35:00.002+08:00

I know I should go sleep now since I only slept 1.5 hours last night, but still I want to write my first blog post on my new laptop in my new hall room (: And tonight's probably the only night I get haha.

Yuensin came over to my room and crashed last night, it was super nice ((: We just nua and sewed my costume and talk late in the night. It's always nice to htht at night where everything is so quiet (besides the occasional shouts in the most haps hall) and there's just the atmosphere nicely build up for you lol. Then we decided that we can meet yishun, so we just met him and the other malaysia scholars who all just came back from taiwan. Ate banana prata and we went to eusoff hall to yishun's room!

Haha I wanted to write more about how I feel on everything but I'm too tired and my brain's not thinking. Oh well at least I managed to write a little (:

And we all graduated from ASD liao )):

2011-07-29T00:52:00.002+08:00

Oh no I'm getting further and further away from my new year resolutions! I need to think more everyday, if not time will just zoom pass without me realizing. Like how uni is going to start in 3 days time>< diary diary diary!

Was talking to evelyn just now, and she said she wont think of me as an optimistic person. That's really quite sad, because people used to think I'm an optimistic person. And our conclusion is that, I have learnt to think more and analyze more and read more into things, which in turn causes me to be pessimistic. But I still think I'm an idealistic person leh. Ok I'm a contradicting person><

Today was a nice day at cat socrates. Immersed myself in a few short stories, and I really like to read fiction! But I can't always read fiction , especially since I cannot fully appreciate them, and it'll be put to waste. And I guess non-fiction is the most direct way for people like to me to spark off thoughts and educate me with information. Although I always read those at such slow speed, I fall asleep after reading a few pages. I love how I get suck into the atmosphere and situation when reading fiction, or how the author describes an experience and his feelings.

Unfortunately, university is going to start very soon )): (Ok i shall change that to (: because I'm trying to be optimistic!) So it means my time will be dedicated to mugging, which I doubt I will get to read fiction for my readings, and uni/hall activities. I want to do so much things but I never did even during this period when I'm supposedly most free! I just hope that after starting school, I will be in the 'push myself to max' mode, so that I can do stuff more efficiently and complete more things that I want to do! While getting enough sleep at the same time. Sigh how easy can it get?

2011-07-27T01:23:00.002+08:00

tomorrow/today is the day!! yay excited and nervous and everything!:D and the day im going to get my iphone muahaha. Ok I sound super childish, but that's because I have no time to write my reflective posts so I shall make do with a short and high one lol (: hope the performance and everything turn out well, and people will laugh and clap!

2011-07-10T22:46:00.001+08:00

每次我带着耳机，听着我手机里的某些慢歌时，我都会有一种把我带进另一个意境的感觉，仿佛回到准备alevels时，一个人在夜深人静的时空中努力地在right wing class benches there mugging. 因为那些歌在我mugging period时不断地听了一遍又一遍，伴随我度过那一段时间。

还有另外一首《温柔》，都会带我回去weiming家的时空，那时我们几个正在准备会庆的表演，从下午练习和nua到晚上降临。他的家总有那种很宁静的感觉，可能是因为去了好几次，所以在那里也感到蛮舒服自在。

我的怀旧感非常‘严重’，什么小事都足以让我感到非常不舍，很想回到从前。就算是那段非常辛苦和压力的备考日子，当时的点点滴滴也让我非常不舍。

在高中的日子真的令我非常难忘。虽然才短短的两年，但是却过得非常开心。昨晚刚和执委（虽然只有5个人><）一起见面，一看到大家还都是同一个样子，好像还没有长大，我心里有种说不出的感觉。我们还是可以那么drama,那么lame。虽然大家都长大了，但有些事情和感觉就是不会变。

更令我非常欣慰的是我们之间的友谊。而且是在两年内一直在改变，但却变更深一层的友谊。我们珍惜彼此的陪伴。昨天看到yishun 特别买了礼物送给要远到英国读书的yuensin minhua，我真的非常感动。小小的举动，但却代替诉说了无法表达的情怀。

一想到他们两个要出国了，我就会难过一次。随着要送他们到机场的那天一天一天逼近，每次的难过都会越来越沉重。

其实理性地说，他们就算出国，还是可以保持联络的。但那种距离感总还是让人感到心酸、害怕，也增加了空虚的感觉。一切都是心在作怪。我常常会怪全球化现象，把朋友带到不同方向。但其实没有全球化之前大家也都已经出国读书了，现在还有skype，所以我不应该嫌弃。更重要的是，所谓的全球化也让我认识了这些其他国家的朋友。

我要学会放手吧。执委、黄城和高中带给我太多美好回忆，但是回忆始终会是回忆。回忆只能经历一次，再也不会发生了。我必须接受这简单的事实。我就只能在头脑里重温这些点滴，让心再次感受当时的情绪。同时也尽可能地再制造回忆。

那天搭上火车，也是怀旧情在作怪。其实我那么喜欢到旧地方看旧的店屋，都是怀旧情的错。当然那是非常不同的怀旧情，因为是一种我没有亲身经历过，但却有莫名被吸引的感觉。火车风潮，我大概都有经历了。到火车站拍照，吃火车站的食物，搭上火车，走了火车轨道。

看到那么多新加坡人都为了火车而特别制造最后记忆，是多么的温馨。我以为新加坡人已经忘记了过去，而只顾着未来。我弄错了。每个人都有怀旧情，因为回忆似乎比较美好。回忆是过去式，所以你不用去担心事情会变得如何，因为它已经成了定局。

当然我又再把一切的东西都给浪漫化了。

“回忆是最可怕的敌人”这段歌词不断地被我挖出来思考着。看来每段回忆都有不同的滋味~

2011-06-27T00:52:00.002+08:00

今晚，我又继续安静地读了景祥的散文。心中又突然冒起了多种感动与感触。甚至，我觉得他的很多想法都和我非常相近，他非常细腻地感受，我都感同身受。是因为我们真得就如此相似吗？还是我和上一代的人比较相似？又或者一篇好的文章会让人都有这种阅读感受？

长大后，我渐渐发现自己比较适合属于上一代的生活。上一代的生活能让我有深刻的共鸣，而现代化却成了生活中现实的必要，带走了很多情感。

文章中有句：“建筑物可以保留，可以复制甚至重建，但是有些情怀与心态却很难再随意复制。”

虽然我还年轻，但快速发展的新加坡已经让我有这种感受了。旧式的咖啡店已经被拆除，所以当天碰巧到一个用餐，我是多么的兴奋。虽然没有经历过甘榜时期，但从前辈们的叙述中，我看到了一个开心自在，有灵魂的世界。那里的生活步伐比较慢，但也正因为如此，人们更能用心去感受生活，用心去看世界。

现在的我觉地自己很可悲。我在忙忙碌碌的现代生活中往往没有留下足够的时间去思考、去感受。一切的想法都是当下所产生的，一个星期后也许就开始遗忘了。每天都匆匆忙忙地过生活，再加上我时间管理不好，因此没有好好珍惜时间。虽然我仍然觉得自己的生活大致上是有意义的，但是缺少了先辈的那种深思熟虑、那种会让情怀沉淀的特征。

尤其是有华文背景的前一代，我非常欣赏他们。华文文艺圈子有很多人都为了一个更大的理想而努力。很多同事都说华文报是个有人情味的地方，而我相信这是因为华人传统价值造成的。有情有义、固执地为某个目标而努力（就算受到很多阻碍）。。。我现在还没有办法把这些以文字来形容，但是看到身别的这些人，他们每个都让我很敬佩。

其他人可能觉得我非常浪漫主义，非常理想化，而我也赞同。但是我并不认为这两种能在我身上看到的‘特质’是可笑或应该被贬低的。

同样的，我也会觉得那些只注重金钱和物质生活的人非常可悲，但我正学习尊重他人的想法。每个人都不一样，所以当你找到和你想法相似的人，你是会感到如此的兴奋。尤其是在这个时期，我知道像我一样对华文华人抱着特别情怀的年轻人已经很难找了。其他人可能也会觉得我很肤浅，嘴巴上谈这种东西，但华文程度仍然是烂透了): 我要努力进步！

那天刚离开报馆的同事告诉我她后来发现她不太喜欢记者的工作，但仍然喜欢写作。我问她，那你为什么起初要当一名记者？她说她抱着那种‘华文报创办人’的理想进入报馆。她说这句话时，看出她背后有很多感受，但却选择轻描淡写地以这一句话带过。她也许意识到，能明白她感受的人并不多，更何况是我这个‘小妹’（另外个实习小妹好像也在我声旁）。

生活有太多的无奈，而找不到人能了解你的感受时，也是一种无奈。每个人都渴望能找到知音，但也明白这是可遇不可求的。

刚读了他写的一篇文章，关于父亲的距离。在次的，我眼眶又闪着泪光。我发觉每次都会嫌我的家庭少了这个少了那个，但若用心去思考关于家人的事情时，心头总是涌上百般情绪。是内疚吗？是遗憾吗？是爱吗？

脑海里闪过了一些关于父亲的画面和回忆。我对父亲的了解是如此得少啊！父亲所展现的爱，更多是在我小时候未懂事的时候。隐隐约约记得我们一起在家吃晚餐看才华横溢，（一直以来对‘才华横溢’这个节目有说不出的感情，也许是这一幕造成的吧）。哇！其实我现在什么都记不起 ))): 可能接下来几天我会尝试去勾出这些回忆。

长大过后，父亲就变成只是一个名义上理所当然的角色，但父情却说不出口。印象很深的是，父亲总是和外人很熟，甚至比自己家人还要好很多。记得有几次，我在客厅做功课时，父亲就和老朋友或顾客聊天，而我会在不知不觉中也光明正大地听，没法专心读书。因为父亲的情况感受，我都是从这些电话聊天中得知的。另外一次，父亲好友的儿子约他一起到民众俱乐部打羽毛球，父亲答应了。当时我相当难过，因为他可以开心地和别人的孩子玩羽毛球，但自己的孩子却不会有这种感受。

当时认为父亲要扮演非常传统的‘严父’，因此也不会选择太过亲近我们。但是现在想一想，又多出了几个推测。

父亲把家视为一种约束、一种责任，因此在家也开心不起来。到外和其他人，他才能比较自在。还是在外的他并不是他真正所想要的，而是被一大堆人情给绑住了？

一个手掌拍不响。作为女儿的我，自己选择疏远自己？整天到外，直到我变成一个他非常不熟悉的女儿？而我也不听话，一直需要他不断地唠叨。

我认为父女情最深刻的，就是几个月前还在报馆实习的夜晚。因为已经半夜了，他会特地载我回家，他会问我今天采访些什么，而我也会和他分享我的看法。大选期间，我从他口中更加理解到他的政治观，也发现我爸是一个很有智慧的人。虽然教育程度不高，但读很多报纸，人生经验也丰富，所以看东西都很有见解。每次都不想父亲麻烦载我来回，但发现这些在车上的时光，原来是我们父女非常珍惜的。

直到最近因为奖学金的问题，我们关系又回到以前，少了关心，多了冷漠与不耐烦。那天我们一起吃午餐，但两个人静静地吃着，也没有聊天。换成是其他人，我一定不能让他安静下去，但是和我爸，安静却似乎是平常能被接受的。不过当天我也是想要趁难得的机会和他多聊天，但是奖学金的事已经造成了很多冲突。我烦他也烦。而我也多出了失望。

我知道父亲脑子有很多顾虑与想法，但这些我都无法猜测或知道。所以之间的隔阂也不断地扩大。其实现在的情况和多年来没有什么差别，我大可以维持现状，但我知道我必须抓紧时间，作出改变，不要等到后悔都来不及了。要怎么才能改善关系呢？这几天也许会好好思考着。

另一篇文章有这几句。

“脑海里所残留的记忆，远远不及所经历的刻骨铭心。其中有一些，已经永远被时序遗忘了。”

“所有的记忆都回渐渐衰老，过期。”

“我开始了解那种回忆日渐凋零的惊慌与无助。”

读了这些后，我非常后悔没有把很多美好时光都记录下来，而是让它随时间的飞驰给带走了。或许我只能用心去感受吧。有些东西和意境真的不是文字所能表达的，或许我们只能闭上眼，把自己带回那个时空，随心的记忆去感受当时的情怀。文字也许只能提醒你事情的发生。

但是这真的很可怕，我连小时候和父亲的记忆都没办法想起来，到我60岁后该怎么办呢？还好我们有相片，它也是不错的怀念选择。好的照片应该也会把当时的心情也拍下来。

我们在忙碌的时候也要留一点时间去品尝回忆中的酸甜苦辣。虽然味道已经淡掉了，但总比无味的人生来得好吧。提醒自己，I’ve been there, done that, hear that, feel that.

2011-06-24T23:51:00.002+08:00

今天碰巧在图书馆看到了景祥所写的书，于是便好奇地借了回家读。非常喜欢里面的一字一句，再加上欣赏的照片和有feel的排版。

一口气看了前面几篇散文，让我有满脑子的思绪，也让我眼泛起了泪光~~

他很细腻地带出了很多情感和想法，是那种我也赞同，但却一直没有能力把它化为文字的想法和思绪。一想到我非常cmi的语文能力，我感到无比的难过和无奈。。。我真的想要加强我的写作能力，不只为了工作，也是为了更好地表达我的心情。

有一篇散文就提到了梦想。只要年轻过，疯狂过，都应该会有所谓的梦想吧？

他的一群朋友在追求梦想的道路上被亲近的朋友泼她们一身冷水，所以决定向他争取最后意见。

“如果你们选择弃权，没有人会继续坚持。那也是别人老早就以料到的。可是，我不希望我的朋友时遇到困难就选择放弃的人。我更不想我们就这样应验了别人的预测。”

读了之后，想起了一个星期前的我。当时的我被身边的亲戚和家人说到已经非常靠近放弃的边缘了，甚至都做好了心理准备。但是身边的朋友却鼓励我不要放弃，我真得非常感激。也许有时候要追求梦想的人只是希望得到简单的支持，因为追求梦想是看不清终点的，因此难免对自己产生质疑，是否做出对的选择。人都是需要鼓励的。有了这些，才能鼓起足够勇气朝向未知的梦想。至于那些不看好的人，我们也就只能证明给他们看，千万不要让他们有机会取笑或看贬我们的梦。追求梦正的需要太大的勇气了，正因为如此我们要趁年轻无约束的时候去完成，要不然长大后身边的朋友也会变得更实际，到时要找到能完全支持你追求梦想的人就困难了。

2011-06-20T00:10:00.002+08:00

wah after reading and stalking my colleagues quite a bit i have the strong urge to write write write!! i cant get off my head the thought about being a journalist these few days, i can't help but be excited!!:D

but first i must practise to write better in chinese. I should blog more in chinese hehe. And one day hopefully I can write my own column (: I see the other people around me, my standard and theirs a painfully wide distance. A lot of hard work is needed, but I shall really plan these 4 years well and prepare myself. ok jiayou I shall continue finishing up the article that i've already been working for a week now lol>< Sigh a long uphill path, but never say die man!!

2011-06-16T19:56:00.002+08:00

This was what I wrote yesterday when I was out of house the whole day. Now I'm glad to say that I've finally found one, and I wonder why it's easier to get a friend, as compared to a relative. But anyway I thank gohonzon, because I decided that I shall chant first before making the call, and she easily agreed immediately once I asked her!

I think this is the biggest and most important challenge that I’ve faced in my life so far. It’s really something that will affect my life greatly, at least for the next 8 years. I feel super exasperated la.

I don’t know why things have to turn out like that, why can’t people trust me and my passion and my dream? Why is it that others don’t see it as a huge problem, while my family has to take it and blow it up when it might not even happen in the first place?

I’m really tired. I guess out of all these, I’m not most disappointed about failing to get the scholarship( I hope not), but rather how people who share blood and flesh with you don’t support you. And friends are the ones who actually do. I wonder if it’s actually the norm, because family has to bear the reality and consequences, while friends technically are not responsible for it.

Reality is really harsh. I find it difficult to counter them when they tell me about all the practical realities and consequences that I have to face. Because I know they are true, and I sort of understand that they need to prepare for the worse case scenario to play safe. But above all these, isn’t there the belief that your child will do well and no such things will happen eventually. What’s the point of over-worrying when the chances of it happening are not that high. They might not think it’s very low, but come on look at me now, all my family and relatives are asking me to give up and even made me apply for ngee ann scholarship, but I still don’t wish to give up. Really it’s a dream so near yet so far. I have to find that last bridge that will link me from my current state now to the path towards my dream.

I can’t believe what I’m facing now la. I’ve already been through so much when I thought I couldn’t make it. First was how I always go find sph booths to ask about the scholarship, and they tell me it’s very competitive because only less than 10 are chosen out of hundreds. Even fanglaoshi told me it’s very difficult to get when I told him I’m applying for it. It’s like a lot of people have doubts in me, including myself. My Chinese is not excellent and I’m not the best person at writing. But still I applied and surprisingly, went through the written test. Up till now, I actually still wonder how I got through that written test. Maybe it’s because of the content of the essay, showing that I really believe in the power of media and my passion for it.

Then came the internship, where many found out that it’s actually not suitable for them and left. I never had the thought of leaving before, even if I didn’t get the scholarship. Everyday is a new day that I look forward to, and every morning I will flip through the newspaper to see if my article is published. Halfway I was still unsure if I should take the scholarship if offered, but towards the end I made up my mind that I should.

And now it’s here right in front of me. And there’s a possibility that I can’t take it. Seriously what can I do to persuade people my passion for it. And more importantly how I can persuade pragmatic adults who have long forgotten what dreams are, but only care about money. I suddenly think of The Little Prince, how the little prince said that adults no longer have imagination and all.

I know I sound idealistic, but as a youth isn’t that an advantage? Where you still have the kick and the passion burning to do things that you want and enjoy, before you get tied down by reality.

My uncle told me a lot of practical concerns about taking up the scholarship, how it will tie down opportunities that I will get halfway. I mean they are all true, but it’s only a possibility. And I’m already too tired to think of how to counter it, I just stubbornly want to go for my dream when it’s right in front of me literally, holding the contract in my hands.

Is the process of fighting for a dream really so selfish? How I have to bring so much stress to my parents, and yet they still have to see me cry and burst out at them everyday. And putting my aunt and people whom I’m asking to be my guarantor in a difficult spot. My dad makes me feel that I’m so selfish, because everyone has their own families and financial concerns. But then if I don’t break the bond, nothing will happen. Sigh everything goes in a cycle and I’m tired of arguing for myself again and again.

I really don’t want to be at home. Everyday I will spend a good amount of time having to worry about this with my family. Ok to be fair my mum is supportive because she believes gohonzon will help us no matter what happens. And my dad is already trying his best to support me although deep down I’m not sure if he’s 100% convinced yet. He’s just worried about me having to find that second and last guarantor, because it means having to trouble others and putting them in a difficult spot.

I give up persuading my aunt already la, because it’s a difference in ideology so I know how hard it is to break through. I just don’t know how my uncle managed to persuade and influence her. Sigh money and reality.

I’m not going to give up, I cannot give up. I’m even making myself listen to 房租名’s 别放弃 song, and I’m putting it on loop.

Amidst all these, I think that I really lead such a smooth life that even this can be such a blow to me already. Not that this is an unimportant problem, but people are facing even bigger problems all the time but yet they’re strong and people can’t even see that they’re facing problems on the outside. And after all this is a local scholarship, so even if I really don’t get it, the alternative path will still be an ok path, just that it doesn’t feel as much of a dream as how I wished it to be.

I wonder if my families and relatives actually do feel proud for me when they know that I’m offered the scholarship.

Wah shit I just realized I feel in my ngee ann scholarship wrongly, so my chances of getting it is almost nil. I know that if I really don’t get sph, this is still important cos it will save me the tution fees that I need to pay. But I just had no mood to go for it and didn’t even bother to double check the form. I was only doing it because my parents wanted me to. I know they see me as a stubborn girl who sees no alternative way. Single-minded strong mindset, isn’t that what’s needed for you to break through obstacles and get what you want when obstacles are attacking at you? Aiya my mind’s not working properly already. I just hope that tomorrow morning when I wake up, a guarantor will drop down from the sky.

I shall chant hard for it. It’s my only hope.

2011-06-02T23:13:00.003+08:00

Just watched kungfu panda 2 with shermaine! It was nice and I had a nice time laughing and enjoying. It's really rare that I actually find animation nice because I usually find it lame and meaningless. Or maybe it's because I never really go find meaning out of it?

Haha had a few things on my mind while I was watching the show. I think the choice of storyline is very good and relevant lor. Instead of just fighting an opponent for the sake of moving the story forward, at least it's exploring something meaningful like the use of weapons in modern world. Ok la in movie you can have all the 'inner peace' but in real world you know that's not going to happen. Actually it can but the inner peace should come from everyone instead of one hero. A hero does not become a hero just by itself, it's more of the person's actions that influences society in a good way that makes the person a hero. I don't like how they make panda the 'dragon warrior' and the main character instead of the whole team, when obviously panda couldn't have succeed on his own. Sigh commercial reasons la, cos the panda is way too much cuter as compared to the rest, and it's difficult to have 5 main different characters with different backgrounds. Like even puss-in-boots has a movie to himself, when he used to appear only in shrek.

I interviewed this doctor today, and he told me that he's worried about the content of some books and shows that his young kids are watching, because it has negative values. like teaching people on the importance of appearance and dressing up. It's subtle but it's true. Or maybe it's part of american culture that it becomes so natural. I realize this thinking is not as prevalent in other western countries, but rather they're all influenced by Americanisation. Ok la just my own observations which I don't know if they're accurate or not. Anyway it's true that images and all these from movies can bring in a lot of 'values' to you soooo subconsciously. The influence is really quite scary. Haha the influence of media.

I don't know why, but recently I have been thinking quite a bit about my chinese roots and my identity as a chinese. One trip down to 同安会馆 and a 书法交流会 brought quite a lot to my mind. And plus today when I watch the movie, I was quite uncomfortable with the fact that the western is commercialising Chinese culture, it's the Western leh not even the Chinese or Asians themselves. I mean it's good that you introduce foreigners a bit about Chinese culture, but it's a bit like colonising, you 'take' a culture and use it according to how you like it. Ok la I don't know how to say it's just a feeling. When I hear the America accents coming out from characters it sounds weird, especially how the panda pronounces 师傅 as sheefu instead of shifu. Even this kind of thing must also do their own way. Then when you listen to speeches after speeches of american accent, when eventually an Asian/Chinese actor comes to voiceover for a character, it will stick out like a sore thumb and you'll be thinking 'why the english so weird?', when it shouldn't be because it's just a different accent. I'm sure all these chinese actors have to practice and make sure their lines sound as similar to the american accent as possible so that it will not stick out, but sigh to me it's in a way forsaking something that yours in exchange for something that's not yours but you just have to do it because it's the majority. I think they invite Asian actors to do some voiceover out of 'courteousy' and 'politeness', but what's the point if what you're presenting is not truly yours.

I know I'm being very idealistic and extreme and biased because it's definitely more complicated than my one-sided argument, but aiya that's just my immediate thoughts. I guess it's really hard to find someone who might also feel the same way, when chinese is rapidly going downhill in singapore.

I went for the 2 chinese culture related events mentioned above and felt a lot. Both let me see how most of the leaders/in-charge are from my parents' generation and above, and that it's really a 传承危机. I feel a little of the same way towards huangcheng too. As in huangcheng will continue for at least a good number of years, but what will the spirit or values that are being passed down be like years down the road? Hmm ok la that one maybe not as bad, but maybe the 口碑 and reputation that seniors have passed down to us? Sigh shall not talk about it la, I shall learn to respect and accept with the decisions that they made.

During the 书法交流会, the malacca and spore representatives were all worrying about the future of calligraphy, because youth are not interested in it anymore. I wonder is it because of the 'materialistic' goals that Singapore generally treats as of top importance. Because intangible culture stuff are gradually losing their way here, even in english like english drama. And I wonder why some popular culture will become popular, things like modern dancing and singing.

Ok I forgotten what I want to say, it's getting late and my mind's getting incoherent. I remembered yay! As a Chinese Singaporean I realized I know very little about my history. The Chinese Singaporeans have values that they hold so dearly, something which can be felt naturally as compared to the more 喝洋水 people. It's such a strong spirit and made them the people who they are now. Even low thia kiang is one! I was just flipping through a few pages of men in white last night while waiting for my dad, and I read the part about Chinese High. Their Chinese/China were so extreme they even hung China flag and sang China anthem for don't know what situation. I should really sleep haha my brain not functioning properly, but I just want to say that there's so much things that happened, I think it's really good and interesting to find out about it.

I'm falling asleep as I type the previous para, so it's super random without bringing out my point properly haha.

__________________________________________________________________________

I knew it. Just now had quite a long discussion with my parents, about whether to sign that scholarship contract and be bonded for 4 years. And my mum was surprised that I got my own in depth thinking and thoughts about it. It's really quite saddening that she doesn't know me well enough to be surprised at what I tell them. Or maybe my mum has quite straightforward thoughts la. My dad doesn't sound surprise, he just insisted on his thoughts. Hmm actually quite sad also la, I don't know my family well enough, don't exactly know how they're like. Like only recently I realized that my dad has quite a lot of thoughts about society and politics too. Actually if only me and him can discuss about our opinions freely respecting each other's view, I think it'll really be quite fruitful. His knowledge comes from all the newspapers he read, 爱 that he watches, long time spent at market/coffeeshop talking to people whom he know better as compared to his own children sigh. Or maybe he knows me but I don't know him well enough to know that he actually knows me. lol. I doubt so though.

Haha it's weird in a sense staying in university towns where they promote intellectual discussion in your living space as a selling point. Why do that when your family might actually be able to bring that too? Everyone is an independent entity, with his own thoughts and views. Every slightly more meaningful conversations will bring you with lots of thoughts because it's an exchange of ideas. It's really great to be a journalist, I like (:

I know I cannot say for sure that 4 years/8 years down the road, I'll still be saying the same thing. But everything in the future is unknown, so you will just have to muster up the courage to take the best path according to what you can foresee, although that path is not 100% the best path. Last month's zadankai encouraged myself, because while preparing to share and listening to others, I realize that every decision that we make, or maybe the more major ones, requires a lot of courage. Obviously I'm also worried that I'll lose passion for the job during my bond of years, and I'll be damn 辛苦 working, because I know I'm not in the financial ability to break bond. It's an irresponsible thing for me to do so too. But there's also a lot of unknowns if I don't sign the bond, and at least at this point of time, I believe the unknowns and knowns that I'm facing now when I sign the scholarship, will be a happier and more meaningful path that suits me. Since this is the most positive outlook that I have, why not I just take it? The safer path doesn't mean it's the best path for me. Signing the scholarship is a riskier path, but I just have to muster the courage to take it, and I already found the courage for it.

I'm afraid of 未知数 also mah, but I told myself since I have come to a decision I shall not think so much about it already, because I don't want to 胡思乱想越想越多 and lose that precious piece of courage.

2011-05-27T23:48:00.002+08:00

Good news this week for me and friends around me!(: But instead of feeling very very elated, I really feel quite stressed now>< So high expectations and I don't know what to do.

These few days I have been questioning what they see in me. Because really, I'm not like the rest, with wonderful language abilities and chim thoughts to offer. I chanced upon one of their blogs, and wow he writes so beautifully with in-depth thinking, and I'll be dying to have half his skill.

During the interview they asked me to use 3 words to describe myself, I said passionate, sincere and hardworking. I was quite proud of these 3 points, but I realized such qualities are good, PROVIDED that you have the ability to achieve the basic things in the first place. Like writing a good article and have deep thoughts, which are the more tangible things people look out for.

I realized everytime I tell people I study sociology, people will be shocked. I bet they will be asking in their heart, why take such a ulu subject. everyone expects something more practical or prestigious. That day talked to sd chief for a while, he also looked surprised when I say I want take sociology, and he asked me why. I told him because I'm interested in how society works, and he told me, not a lot of people think that way.

Haha I'm listening to the nus sociology talk now while writing. It's really quite interesting. The challenge is how I'm going to apply this knowledge in real life. It really 'creates words that sums up a lot of behaviour'. Small little daily things we take for granted or natural human behaviour is being analysed in the eyes of sociologists, I really hope I'll find great purpose in it besides just reading for my own interest haha. Journalism is good la, the area to write about is so wide there's not straight answer as to what you must know. So even a noob intern like me still can write articles, though there's not enough depth.

Ok la really hope that sociology can bring me to greater heights in terms of my thinking, I want to do well! There's so much that I have to improve on, I can't wait to stop my internship so I can have time for myself and to prepare and catch up with friends! There's so much to do, english and hopefully dance lessons to go to, read more books for both chim sociology and literature, join camps. Wanted to find new simple job, but shall not be ambitious la. Go for one week of dvc can liao, I should prepare myself more for uni, so that hopefully I can join more activities in uni. There's so much I need to brush up on, especially since I'm taking a heavy humanities subject that I've never tried before. When I studied GP and the teachers gave lots of reading, I touch almost none. Even the gakkai readings that are given to me, I read very little of it. Reading is something that I'm weak at, but something that is so so important, both for my own growth and for university.

Actually hor, instead of ranting here, I should spend the time to read right! Wah stupid me! And I forgotten my purpose of switching on com! To check all the halls stuff and uni stuff. I nearly forgot to submit the Form P until debbie reminded me today! Wah really heng leh. See lor this kind of forgetful blur person how to be a good journalist>< Damn worried for myself leh!

And hmm I should really be more respectful towards my parents. I'm really a horrible daughter, I want to change but it really requires much effort and courage, because I've not been a good daughter in a long time. Must be more understanding and control my temper towards them. It's the closest people whom you will hurt the most sigh ><

2011-05-21T23:29:00.003+08:00

Wow haven't blog for a long time! Ok la not very long, but considering the amount of things that I'm going through everyday, it's really not enough to blog at my current rate. There's so much more I want to write down and think through and remember!

I'm deciding now to stop the internship soon because I want to try other stuff that I've always wanted to do and better do before university life kicks in. It's really a pity I didn't go for any lessons, there used to be so much I want to learn! There's guitar, song composing! But both I have to give up because I think I'm really not cut out for it. Maybe guitar I still can self learn la.

Then there's also dancing, which I wanted to learn since secondary 4! I need to quickly get back to hiphop dancing, before all is lost.

Weiqi and I were saying we want to go for english lessons because our english suck ttm. We were trying to discuss about grammar haha, but none of us can give each other a definite answer. Yuensin says its useless because it's supposed to be done through more reading and writing. If have I will still go for english lessons la, especially when I'm going to take subjects that are so heavy on writing in english!

Went for fass open house today. And I'm really glad I went!! I had a clearer idea that their CNM wasn't for me because I'm totally not the new media savvy kind. Though they definitely have some interesting modules that I'm considering. Psychology is out too because there's too much biology. Political science is interesting, but I don't know if I will be interested in politics outside of Singapore. Haha must challenge myself!

Then after that went to find out more about their camps and hall. And I felt so happy, because I thought I might have found myself a second 'huangcheng' experience there!!(: There's this rag camp, which is like chingay. They have to build their own float, and there's the 木工 and 美工 aspects too! Wah totally daoju can. Then they have dance performances and cheerleading. Wah like! And when this senior talked to me, it was really how I would if I told a junior about huangcheng!

He said, the whole experience he had for 3 years is really not something he can summarise within 5 minutes. I bet it's another of those, you must go through yourself to be able to understand. Then it was also those that will spend a lot of time doing, and the best thing is 'you will really forge lasting friendships'. Yay! Although I know it definitely will differ for different people, it's still comforting to know that there's another 'huangcheng' and you can go through the whole similar experience again.

I forsee it to be tough, but I know it's just another challenge again. After all I would rather my life be like that, than just studying all the time and missing a chance to forge wonderful memories and friendships that will go a lifetime.

There's also the nagging thought that with so much time and effort being put into this, I will have to sacrifice on my studies again. Which this time I really really cannot afford to. But I would rather have a good life than good results leh. But reality disagrees with me ): Ok la having good results is also something I want to challenge myself, because I believe I can achieve much more than what I did during alevels. I don't wish to just be satisfied with what I am now, because there's so much more potential in me that are not unleashed out yet. Same goes for everyone, so it's always good to challenge yourself to do things that you thought you never would!

I really need to read more and think more. My thinking has been slowing down liao after elections. Time to push myself again and again! I think it's really a good idea to quite early and start immersing myself in books and movies that will provoke me thinking again and again. It's actually quite amazing what the internship brought me, and to yuensin evelyn too! And of course you guys around me who have never failed to provoke me to think deeper.

I realized that I'm quite fortunate because I've basically been exposed to all the main sorts of performing arts! There's cheerleading, dance, music and drama! Left choir don't have, but oh wells I like singing myself anyway! Haha performing arts is really for me!<3

Haha back to thoughts about that day huangcheng meeting. Yes I'll never get over it, but always as a provoking experience that will let me ponder why things happened the way it did.

Yesterday had a nice talk with elaine weiqi evelyn yueting. Someone said, as a senior, we've went through the mistakes, so we don't want our juniors to go through it again. But ultimately, they might not 听得进, so we'll just have to let them learn it the hard way, from their own experiences. But if such a thing happened, it will mean the cca will never grow or even keep dropping.

It's more important for people to grow than cca to grow I think. Cos after all cca is the chance for people to grow, and when people grow, they have unlimited potential to achieve even greater things in the future. People are always the most precious assets, so I think it's important to always be people-centered.

Sigh it's just that after developing so much for the cca itself, it's difficult to do so. Or maybe I really have to 看开。Because I not just love the cca, I love the people and experiences. It'll always be different for different batches and people. Hmm starting to 看开 more... After all cca is supposed to be a platform to nurture people, so more like a means to an end. It's crucial not to use human beings as a means to and end, because ultimately, everything that's being done can be traced back to the sake of humans. People are more important than anything else I believe. I shall not mix up my priorities, must care for people more than I care for the cca. Cca after all, is made up of people. Everything is made up of people and human's wisdom, because everything is a discovery or invention by human.

Yueting said it's like parents, they went through it and don't want us to go through the same thing, but children are always too stubborn to listen. One of the reasons being that parents don't understand children, or that things have changed and there's a generation gap. I wonder how applicable that reason is. Some fundamental things just don't change right?

But spoon-feeding doesn't help the children growing. If not the child will just be too protected living in his own bubble. And humans tend to believe what they see or go through for themselves. Inquisitive humans who are never satisfied. So also must let everyone had their share of experience to truly feel and grow. There's always the problem about balancing.

Yueting also mentioned that's why MM SM stepping down now, and it's partly their fault that they didnt foster capable people in time. It's the same thing as what I mentioned above, after going through and a third world living environment, the older generations wanted us well so they didn't want us to go through the hardships they did by providing us a good environment. But precisely because of this good environment, the younger generation are not that tough or capable in that sense. But then again they can't possibly let us go through war, of course as a government, they want the country improving, though there definitely will be problems that will come with it. But in that sense, are these problems less significant as compared to the economic improvement everyone receives? I guess so bah.

I doubt we'll find another lky, because he really is smart, and that the circumstances he faced contributed to what he is today.

If you think another way, man influences environment too. So does that mean that man is more powerful and influential than environment, or that man to a very large extent, is still limited to the environment that he's given? Which is why people purposely giving themselves difficult situations so as create the 'ideal' environment to grow from challenges?

2011-05-16T00:40:00.002+08:00

One not so good thing about my job is there I see TOO MUCH new things everyday that I don't have the time to really sit down and reflect. Before I get the chance to think deeper into something, I'm faced with another new thing the next day which brings me new thoughts. So basically not enough time, unless I train myself to reflect and think really fast and all the time.

Havent even finish talking about elections and now it's over in a week already!

Anyway on polling day, I was supposed to interview TPL. zhixin suddenly sms me and ask me why I like TPL on fb! I told her it was cos of work purposes, I needed to check her fb and do some homework before I interview her mah. I really didnt expect that big a reaction from you and your family! Hmm shows a lot about peer pressure I realized, although eventually I didnt bother to dislike cos I know I would be doing that out of peer pressure since I'm neutral about her.

After the results were announced, I was staring and observing at her, and I could really feel how overwhelemed she was by emotions. At that moment, i felt a little pity for her. At such a young age (I sound like I'm older than her lol), she has to face so much criticisms. Suddenly with the announcment, you know your life is going to take a big change from then onwards because responsibilities will fall. I felt the 'I can't believe this' feeling from her, and also the heavy burden on her. After all, she's the youngest MP to be elected leh.

I don't know la, when you see all these people up front, it's really different cos you observe how they are like and their feelings at then. I used to agree with this sentence 人是很难捉摸的动物。Now I have second thoughts about it, because I get to understand a public figure so much better after having direct interaction with him/her. It's not the difficult to see when you're in contact with the person. But then again it'll depend on the circumstances.

I had an exclusive phone interview with Mr Yam Ah Mee! The guy whom the whole nation is crazy over. Someone even commented, politics separated Singaporeans, but Mr Yam united us together again! It really does make some sense.

Anyway he's such a nice guy, I really want to be like him when I grow up! Although he's the chief executive director and other high positions, he's so sincere and friendly and totally no airs. When I asked him why do you think you got famous overnight, he replied, I don't know, but maybe because I have been interacting with more youths recently in my job, so maybe their friends' friends want to make friends with me too?

Wah and he talked to me quite some time about what he did in his job that allowed him to have more interaction with youths. It's really obvious when you can hear that someone is so sincere. And yet he's really so high up in the organisation.

Anyway i realized no point writing all these now, I felt a lot that time, but now it's better now. Cos I felt such strong and heavy a responsibility to write properly with the limited time I had, since he called me last minute at 11plus pm when I was preparing to submit my article. I needed to choose what I want to put inside and how I'm going to phrase it. Because at that time, I thought most of the people are those out to make fun of him. Then I realized that's really the minority, most people find him cute and respects him. I just didnt want to portray him in a way that's too innocent or maybe even a little 傻。Because I want to do justice and write a good article about him! The stress was even heavier when I thought of how the article will be read by many people since he's really the hotest topic in town. In the end I over-estimated youths who will read zaobao. No one posted the article on fb unlike the rest of the press. Quite sad la, that youths dont read zaobao now, really wonder what will be the future of it...

Then there's also the video of debate between LKY and opposition people like Chiam. Wah couldnt stand it when I watched, because MM attitude was really quite bad, shooting down at people like that without a basic form of respect. yuensin said, he is someone who is smart and knows that he is smart. True luh. Really can't imagine if this is still the case today.

And suddenly mm and sm are stepping down! Somehow, there's not a lot of discussion about it on fb among my friends, so I had to ask about it because my editor wants to find out how youths are thinking. I think youths are not really concerned about it as compared to the older generation, because we might not feel as much towards them as singaporeans who used to suffer but grow more prosperous under the leadership of lky. For me it just came as a shocking news, but I didnt think too much about it. Until my editor ask me about my opinion of it, I could only say I was shock about the sudden news. Hmm I really need to train myself more to make thinking a part of me.

I'm really going to challenge myself again. I've been slacking too long, achieving nothing much besides work. My life' s pretty meaningless besides my job, and so I have gotten complacent and slack. Then that day boonhwee passed me articles about how these ywds are struggling with soka activities despite being busy with school work, because they want to challenge and grow through these difficulties that they are going to face. It suddenly dawned upon me that I haven't had that feeling for a very long time. It was always work, and it has become an excuse for everything else that I can't achieve. That really shouldn't be the way, because it is up to me to decide how I want to spend the rest of my time. Especially if I'm going to take the scholarship and bond for 4 years, I don't want and cannot spend 4 years on work and nothing else. So I had the realization that I must really start now and achieve more than just work, though work itself is already much fulfilling.

There's so much stuff I can do and have to do. So much readings for soka and for sociology. It's really scary that I keep falling asleep when reading, and that I'm going to take a subject that is filled with chim readings that I have to digest fast. I want to read more but don't know how to find time and do fast reading without falling asleep.

Book really open doors for you. It encourages you, empowers you, smartens you. And there's also the grammar guide book I should start reading so I can teach my tutee properly.

Then there's also piano. Not to mention violin, which I'm really guilty for what my parents had to pay, but ended up with just a few certificates and forgotten skills. Sigh cannot la, someday I shall ask someone to help me fix the strings and I must practice. I have no idea how much I can play now, it's really quite scary><

I need to constantly challenge myself. Although that comes at the sacrifice of my sleep. I sleep at 2am and wake up around 8plus almost everyday now. So unhealthy>< My mum's been really unhappy for me these few days, sigh this cannot go on... It's really the difference on how we treat things, although I know a lot of the stuff that she scolds me about are true, but I haven't made enough effort to change.

Ideology are such powerful forces. I wonder if there's even superior and inferior ideology. Everyone just have a different set of beliefs, and I guess it stays that way. It's not easy for a person to change his or her values, so whatever one holds on to is superior, the rest are subconsciously deem as inferior.

A lot of books and articles are talking about how we should focus on life and not so much on economic growth. It seems the 'right' way because a lot of articles are like that. I dont recall reading anything that's the opposite of it. But the fact is, most of the people who write are inclining towards the humanities side rather than science, and they're the people who look for more intangible stuff rather than money, because arts stuff doesnt earn as much, including journalists. So naturally writers/journalists will write it in that way that we must learn how to relax and appreciate life instead of just money money money. So I read a lot of such and think it's the normal and 'correct' way.

Ok I know I'm stereotyping, but it's just a thought that came into my mind just now. Possible?

Once you realize someone has a different ideology from you, you will naturally and almost immediately feel a gap widening between the two people. It's so difficult to get across to the other side.

Hmm but then why are there still friends whom you can be good friends with, yet have different beliefs from you? Is it just chemistry or fate? Haha it's late I shall sleep and think about it next time!

2011-05-09T00:56:00.004+08:00

Haha I'm hooked on blogging again! <3

But don't think I will last long today writing a long one. I left office at 4plus, reached home close to 5 (thank goodness I stay in toapayoh and have a dad who sleeps late), and went to sleep only at around 5.30am. Next day wake up at 9am, knowing that I didnt even fall into the deepest stage of sleep, and off I go to Jurong to reach there at 10am.

Actually I don't know why I'm still quite awake now. My head is heavy but at least my eyelids are not.

Anyway yesterday was SOOOOO EXCITINGG!! Once in a lifetime chance (ok maybe not if I'm going to be a journalist next time) to be at the front of the action, seeing for yourself the reactions of aljunied candidates, seeing each of their actions and trying to analyze too much into it.

Yesterday passed by like a dream because everything happened so fast and furious, I had no time to enjoy this historical moment and savour every memory of it. And I wasn't live to witness the historical moment of opposition winning a GRC.

Haha I shall do a blog post in chronological time on what happened in details. Wah so long never do that since sec4 liao. Anyway I think it's a good idea that journalists blog about what they see or think on new media like what ST reporters are doing, because newspapers have limited resources and there's a lot of precious moments or things said that cant be included in the article. I have so much difficulty always trying to cut down words><

Woke up on time on target and read cooling day's newspaper. Still had my mind on the previous night's huangcheng meeting, and spent hours ranting and trying to think, especially after seeing so much parallels between elections and daily lives. Napped before going to office.

Researched on joo chiat smc which I was assigned to. I was supposed to go to bedok stadium, where pap supporters gathered for some of the hot seats like aljunied hougang. Was so excited to see these results. By right, I was only supposed to write a 400word article on joochiat, including both PAP and the opposition. So I read up and only prepared a little bit of background knowledge.

Went up to have meeting with the whole elections team. It's so nice to see so many reporters and photographers and editors all working hard towards the same goal. You can really feel that everyone's so hyped up and excited. The editor (actually he's more than editor but I dont know what's his title so I shall call all those with senior positions 'editor' haha) told us that we had to control our emotions at all times. Our enemy is not the opponent of the party that we support, but our common enemy was TIME. We even had 2 buffet suppers ready to feed the many hungry pigs beaten and bruised by our fight against time. It was apparently a very big deal, the company sponsored and the editors contributed a sum too. Since nomination day, we had nice suppers to feed the many people who come back hungry from squeezing with people from the rallies. The nicest being durian cake omg, but I was off that day )):

Anyway for dont know what reason, 摄影组decided to take a group photo before they go out to battle. Then I decided that all the interns should take a photo too! And I realized it's a wise decision because other than thisi BIG day there wouldn't be chances where all 6 of us would be there together. Haha I only thoguht of a simple shot with my camera, but smart liling went to ask a photographer help us take! He used the fisheye special effect camera so obviously we had nice photos :D

Then we went out for dinner together, and found out meijun is doing minor in sociology in FASS!

Fast forward, we reached the stadium at 8pm, and there were so many people from the media and so little supporters at that time. I was so bored just sitting down and occasionally chatting with colleagues, I wanted to sleep. Then before I could, the aljunied supporters came together and we had to leave our comfy seats to start work. We were so desperate to find behind-the-scenes that we're supposed to write, nothing could be something.

Anyway even fast forward more, I entered the area in front of the barricade right in front of stage, and we could see the tentage at the back for the candidates to have some 'privacy'. Apparently the media crowded as close as we could with the boundary we were given, and observed them. In between we kept having updates from colleauges who have iphone. Temasek Review mentioned that wp is leading aljunied and my colleague who was a wp supporter cum aljunied resident was all smiles. She couldnt contain at all haha! But then again it's TR so we didnt know how they get their insider news so early and questioned its reliability. Basically it was so exciting to get the updates from these sources, and sometimes not knowing to believe or not.

Then suddenly my editor told me that joochiat is recounting because pap won by a very small margin. We were so shocked because we never expected a close fight. Then all in a sudden, my joo chiat story was upgraded to a 1200words 主文 from the original tiny 400words. And that 1200 was solely for PAP and background info, cos another 800 words were given to the opposition side. Scary ok cos I really didnt know what I can write to make up that 1200 words, especially when I didnt have the luxury to think slowly and write slowly.

But quite a good experience la! Cos the editors will never expect it to be upgraded, so they can just let me do a 400 words thing. In the end upgrade they also no choice cant last jminute change people, so they just had to trust me, but I know with a slight fear in their hearts la haha.

So by the time I reached office it was around 2am, I had to find more background info and do their speeches and interviews transcript, while at the same time distracted by the different results that kept coming in. Oh and the buffet supper too haha. The curry puff super nice, I ate so unglamly but convinced myself that everyone's too busy to notice, so only my computer screen can see my unglam sight. But oh wells me and my computer screen are comrades fighting the battle against time together, so what's eating unglamly to a comrade?

Then dede. Results for Aljunied GRC. Everyone put down their work and rushed over to the tvs to watch. The announced WP first, their votes are 7____. Then after the long suspense of reading the 5 candidates name one by one, he announced 5_____. I was damn shocked because I never expected such a large gap! Like one start with 7 one start with 5 leh! Before that jingxiang went around collecting 赌注 for aljunied results. Most wrote PAP will win, but almost everyone bet on close percentages like 50-52%. Me and jiahui decided to share the 赌注 5bucks each (I think it's my first time betting haha), and bet on WP 51.0%.

*oh my my parents want me to sleep now, and i better do after only sleeping 3.5 hours last night. shall carry on tmr!*

2011-05-07T11:20:00.002+08:00

Many thoughts on my mind last night and this morning again when I was reading yesterday's newspaper, the paper that was crucial to readers on cooling day.

After what happened last night, I really went to think about it. As the usual me, I really tried to think from both sides. And after reading the newspaper, I realized that there are many parallels that can be drawn from elections and our daily lives, which in this case, what happened last night.

There are so many things I dont know where to start from.

I guess yesterday we were all very 激动 and too emotional at times. We wanted it to be a thing that all of us can talk frankly about how we want to improve huangcheng, instead of 30th against 31st zhiwei. It was never our intention like that, though it might have been misunderstood. I was so excited about last night, because as a senior, I know there's a limit to what I can do for huangcheng already, but I still am relieved that at least I had one last chance to contribute my thoughts to huangcheng. After last night, there were too many things that I'm sure we all want to say but didnt manage to because of the aggressive situation.

You know, it's like how when PM wants to apologies, people misunderstood his intentions (according to zaobao, the day before he apologise, george yeo spoke to him about how pap should 让民众知道自己有用心灵听民意). In the end the opposition used that point to make big stories about it, although there are definitely points that are also valid.

I felt like last night turned out into a fight between parties. I dont want to refer it as the 2sides of us because after all we're all there as 过来人, but I guess I have to so that it's easier to say. Both sides are eager to say what we want to say, based on our experiences and our beliefs and stand. It's like 2 rallies going on, with so many different points and arguments being thrown out. In between there will be emotional words used, rebuttals. But at the end of the day, just like what cooling day is for, we have to look at the different viewpoints that were presented, minus away that it was packaged so emotionally, and look at the messages that were brought across, and also the intentions that everyone had.

Lim Hwee Hua made a comment about HUDC to low thia kiang, and low thia kiang said it was a personal attack, but lim hwee hua said she was just trying to point out a fact. (Ok all my political references are just quoted from zaobao, as to the validity of what these politicians are saying, let's just put it aside, because I'm trying to draw parallels of what's happening in the complicated politics realistic world and the things that happened yesterday) I guess it's the same. We are not trying to criticise you guys, we are just trying to point out the problems that huangcheng is facing now, and do something to help improve it, because ultimately we dont wish to see huangcheng going downhill.

I guess there's such a mentality, probably because of the treatment that you all have received from other seniors. But like what yuensin said, if we think deep down about why seniors are there again and again when they are not obliged to, it's really in hope that huangcheng will be better after seeing how huangcheng has been declining rapidly these few years. It's like LKY, he's such a striaghtforward person, his words can be offensive at times, and even caused this guy turned to vote for opposition cos of what he said.

I wonder if yesterday would turned out differently if we are there to really listen, instead of being too hurriedly wanting to present our viewpoints. It's really a skill that's so difficult to grasp, to be able to listen and ponder what others have to say instead of quickly rebutting. Maybe yesterday's circumstances didnt allow us to do that.

Or maybe it's just the different ideals that we hold on to. It's difficult to talk actually when 2 people have such different viewpoints because each will dismiss it off as something that's not ridiculous, and naturally you will think that you are the right one.

I was talking to this long time friend that I havent talk to for ages. It all started out asking what we want to study in uni. I told him I want to study sociology, and he wanted law. Then he was asking me why I want study sociology, it doesnt give you a clear career path. I told him I wanted to be a journalist, and that's quite a clear career path for me. Then he ridiculed me saying what 'freedom fighter'. Words like me being so dreamy, and hoping to study sociology and meet a dreamie husband there. I knew it wasn't going to turn out nice, so I said it's just different in our values, because he's just so pragmatic. Then he said, there you're being dreamy again. I mean really, I've never ever thought about it that way, just because I study sociology which is not your normal doctor lawyer job, doesnt mean I'm being dreamy. I know what I want and the values I hold dearly to me. It's just a different choice for me and you, but you don't have to ridicule me like that. It only makes me feel that you're pathetic. To me, all he thoguht about was pragmatic issues like money and wonderful career. And I understand his point about lifting his family up social ladder or something. But still being in a so called safe and prestigeous job isn't the only way.

I dont know la, it's so difficult to talk to someone when the person hold values that are so different from you. The worse thing is that they're just shooting down your views like that, with the kind of attitude that they're right and superior jsut because he wants to be a lawyer. Oh please. There's a lack of taking the effort to try and understand, or at the very least just listen and not shoot back with such bad attitude.

I knew at that moment we were both laughing at each other in our hearts, but when I cooled down I told myself I don't want to be like him. I dont want to be at fault too. When someone doesn't treat you nicely, it's the person's fault. But when you treat him back badly too, then it also becomes your fault. I shall just take the whole incident as an eye opening experience for myself, because it really let me see first hand how powerful ideologies and values are. I must learn how to talk and respect everyone regardless of the beliefs that they hold. Now I can better understand how great sensei is by being able to talk to so many different individuals from different countries and background.

The incident also clearly shows how schools and the people around you can create such a big impact on you. Ok I shall not look down on others, but just trying to say that students who come out from different schools, you can really feel a difference. Not every single person la, but generally. I love hwachong from the bottom of my heart, because I think it developed us into fine individuals who care about people and friends around us, and at the same time do its job of teaching us academically. Where else, when I see students from another school, many of them tend to look at results, and overlook the humanistic aspect in people. Again, they are just my opinion, and it depends on one's values to judge all these. I mean to my friend, he does not value all these as much because his primary concern is to earn money, be the first to buy a big house, and bring his family up the social ladder.

I suddenly recalled the dream I had few weeks ago. My dad told me that my mum lost money, and I had to rethink the choice of being a journalist, because it doesn't pay much, but we were in need of money. I really felt the 痛苦 of having to make a decision between these two, even in my dream.

Hmm thought of another friend who's actually facing a similar decision now. Sigh intangible things like values have greater a force and influence than I imagined. There's more that I need to ponder deeper about...

During my interview for scholarship, the last question the the interviewer asked me was, what's your motivation to keep your forward. I answered, it's my values and beliefs that press me forward, because I want to help others. Another question is, what do you think is an important characteristic of a journalist, I answered, to constantly remind himself what's his responsibility as a journalist, which is to bring messages across to readers. I know I sounded very idealistic, but I think it's good because that's precisely why we need youths and new blood coming in to renew the complacency or stuff that might be forgotten along the way for people who are too long in the job already. Just like how I believe we need more voices in the parliament to remind people not to be complacent.

That day I was really quite disappointed because of the reactions of fellow journalists who are in the job for many many years already. Some party decided to selectively block media out from the media area in their rally, and we were all quite unhappy. Then my colleague was so angry she said might as well don't write for them and we go back. I thought it was so very wrong. As journalists, aren't our job to write for the readers, not any organisations? As much as we are angry at the party for doing these to us, and they dont deserve a coverage on our media, but the readers deserve the coverage. I mean readers are the innocent party, they didnt do anything wrong, but if we dont cover that rally, imagine the amount of information, whether positive or negative, that readers do not have a chance to know and make an informed choice on who to vote? To the newspaper maybe, we don't need to cover the rally, but to readers, it's so important to them to know about what's happening, especially in this crucial period of elections.

I know I'm being idealistic, but I dont think that's bad. Which is why yesterday when minhua said "All good things start from being idealistic.", I totally WAH with hh. It makes a lot of sense to me. If everyone does what is expected and the norm, how can we improve? How can we achieve great things and experiences?

Ok link back to what happened last night.

I guess huangcheng is all very important to us, but we have different opinions on HOW huangcheng is important to us.

At first, I thought we were idealistic while they are too realistic. Then yuensin said that we're realistic. Which is true. We're idealistic, based on realistic situations. After seeing drama and huangcheng from a bigger picture, we are hoping to make changes that seem idealistic, but it's according to situations now. The fact about teachers. Someone might be good, but not suitable for something. It's just like how when we audition for yanyuans, we might find people who can act, but just that they don't suit the roles available, so ultimately we can't accept them. I'm not exposed to drama enough, I think there are teachers out there that's more suitable to guide a local student drama production according to what huangcheng should be. Huangcheng is a ground for students to be exposed to drama, and since we're still young, there can be a lot of creative ideas that we can come up with, but we need someone to guide us and give us the confidence that we can do so. When I read the 三十周年特刊, some seniors mentioned how we should 大胆地玩戏剧、尝试戏剧。I think that's something that we don't really get to try.

Sigh need to think more about it before I can write... My dad's calling me, so I shall continue maybe another time, since I need to get ready, for today's and EXCITING day!! once in 5 years polling day! I'm so grateful that I get to participate in elections this time on the frontline, even before I'm even eligible to vote. I see many stuff and it enabled me to have a deeper reflection on politics, which I used to really really hate.

2011-05-03T11:33:00.002+08:00

一口气读完了黄城三十周年特刊。

昨天有同事跟我说，他认为新加坡的国会制度有问题，但因为里面的人都很好，所以出来的结果和成绩仍然是不错的。

也许黄城就是这样的吧。黄城有很多制度并非理想。老师的控制已经影响了学生的发挥。黄城所背负的重任，再加上现代社会非常讲究‘成绩’，导致了老师无法‘放手敢敢让学生去尝试，去犯错’。黄城就代表了华初、代表了一个‘学生戏剧的先驱’、代表着一个‘接近专业水准的演出’（这句话不断地在特刊出现）。这些过去的风光史，本来应该是让人骄傲的，但现在他是否反而害了学弟学妹们？为了不让黄城失败，老师特别要求艺术老师帮助我们，不让学生放手一博。这些‘制度性’局限让黄城出了问题。

另外，黄城也因为只有2年时间，所以很多东西是无法避免的。学弟妹们会根据他们高一所看到的来做黄城。也因为只有一次机会筹备，我们很难从错误中学习，因为认清了错误后，表演也就结束了。所以高二学生毕业时应该都会有很大遗憾吧，无法再做一次，这次会知道什么东西该不该做，也能更理解老师的用意了。

当然，还有大环境的局限。现在若要求每个黄城人都热爱戏剧是很困难的。华文都已经走下坡了，戏剧更是如此。和上一代相比，我们没有在那种环境下成长。若希望加入黄城的各个都是纯粹因为热爱的，不太可能吧。上一代可能会觉得可笑，有些学生可以为了各现实理由而加入。总之，对戏剧的感觉和概念现在都淡化了很多。

这些种种无法改变的限制，也许使黄城走下坡？

但是，还没有提到‘黄城人’这个因素。黄城精神之所以还存在，全都是因为人的心还在。所以很多学长就算知道看了公演或许会失望，但仍然下去支持，因为每个人付出的努力，都会把他们带入时空隧道，提醒他们年轻时也增经疯狂过。超越一切来感受他们的心，会是最美丽。就算是，几年后不认识的下届学弟妹们，还会有强烈的bond。

就是这种努力付出，追求梦想的精神，在三十年后还是继续传承下去。这种力量似乎超越了各种局限，每当谢幕唱一首华初的歌时，仍然拨动着人们的心弦。

无形的力量最强大。

‎"...you can only see things clearly with your heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye."-The Little Prince

黄城一定要继续做下去。也许，演出本身只对参与的那两届非常重要，但是身为学长，最想看到的还是那股黄城精神。

黄城到底是演给谁看的呢？是黄城人，还是普通观众？或是演给自己看的？

心中，仍然在寻找着答案。

2011-05-03T01:29:00.002+08:00

really hate it when my parents don't understand me. I know it's bad for my body and all, but I love this time of the night best when it's so quiet and nice to reflect. I always specially take a short nap at 12am so that I will be able to survive through that extra few hours which I love.

In the morning, I can't do all these anymore. Having to read newspaper articles one after another, helping out with housework, how to have a quiet moment to yourself?

I really have so much in my mind today. Went on 2 assignments today. Met a PR whom I had the urge to be friends with. She told me that she love it when shopping malls are not yet open and crowd's still not in yet. So you sit down there drinking something while watching the shops gradually open. I love those mornings when everything's still slow and easy.

There's this sunday morning when I had a 8.30am assignment. By the time it ended, it was about 10, but because it's a sunday, there were no one yet. So while I walked from the esplanade to the mrt, I passed by this exhibition at esplanade tunnel. I took my time to scrutinize the installation (although I didn't understand it), and everything felt so serene and surreal.

Anyway on our cab ride back, I was just curious and asked her how different it is to be an hougang resident to be taken care under opposition. In the end she got quite jidong talking about politics, because apparently her friends are debating and shooting down at each other about their different views, when she thinks that they should just respect each other's views. And how some people are trivializing it and not treating it as a responsible voter. Her sudden outburst was something that I was quite shocked, because after all we're just so called working partners. But she chose to put away her PR side and revealed the true side of her.

Sometimes I think it's so frustrating to put on a mask or a certain way of behaviour that is required of your job/role. I mean, behind everyone lies a person, a human being. We're really all the same when you throw your roles away and just reveal your flesh and heart. Actually, what's professionalism for? Or what is it in the first place? Taking out your emotions and just carry out your work like a robot? I've read articles about how some actors and actresses are facing a lot of love/family problems, but ‘他们很专业完全没有在工作时候被这些影响’. I know that professionalism makes things efficient la, I also cant image a world when everyone is crumbling down by their respective problems and nothing can be done. Haha but just that I suddenly saw it in another perspective...Ok la random.

But you know I really enjoy working with the prs who are more sincere instead of only thinking about when's my article coming out. Or in fact I just like sincere people who have a heart.

I went with this opposition candidate for walkabout. Actually dont know how much I can write leh>< But just want to say that, to judge whether a person is sincere or not, just meet up and take some time to interact. It will be much clearer after that, after observing their speech, actions, the way they talk. My impression of that person change quite a lot, because it's really different from reading the newspapers. If only everyone can be a journalist la, they everyone can see for themselves first hand.

And there's this guy who's so pathetic, I'm sorry for the change in him due to his school and probably environment. Shows how powerful education is hur, it changes a whole bunch of students to be someone different.

Ok la more about that next time shall be good and go sleep. Anyway readers thanks for the tags! I really didnt know there were actually people reading besides my close friends. Although it's really just ranting and some of my random thoughts, but I'm very touched and motivated when I saw the tags. I will strive to write even more!!

2011-05-02T00:57:00.002+08:00

Back from 黄城夜韵2011!!

Lots of thoughts and emotions, wanted to write them all out but realized I was being over ambitious because huangcheng feelings can never be described within a short time. Considering that I need to work super early tomorrow, I shall write something short!

I used to always have the urge to cry when I see people cry. It became better recently this few years. Then today, my tears came out super easily again. When the introduction video started, seeing familiar 的一群华中学生在熟悉的B Block穿梭忙碌，tears welled up like suddenly from my heart and rushed to my eyes but it was only for that split instance.

Then during the last scene, when it felt like a mini xiemu, my nice good seat allowed me to see the people mounting with emotions and some already start to cry. It was at that moment my tears did really flow because behind all the emotions that I see on these people, I know that there are many stories with different struggles and memories behind it. Although no two people can ever have the same exact feelings, there was still this common huangcheng thing that form a bond between people who have never talked to each other.

Just now when I reached home, I just couldn't help flipping through the 30周年特刊. Then my mum told me to quickly go bathe and stop doing 不重要的事情. I told her that 重不重要 is relative, 对你来说不重要的却对我很重要。I told her she cannot understand one (one of the lines that was also mentioned), and she said 谁说我不知道，我以前也有参与过戏剧表演，知道很辛苦. It reminded me that my mum used to be involved in drama too, but I doubt drama performance=huangcheng.

It's so hard to put in words. Beyond the fact that huangcheng is a drama production, it is a common identity or expeirence that flows from 30 years back. 30 years is super long to students who are only 18. It's the friends we make, the memories that we share, that make this so special deep down in our hearts.

When I find huier after the performance, she was so so high haha and shouted to me 我终于知道什么是成就感了！！I really felt so glad for her because I know that it wasn't like that few weeks back. But ultimately when you finally reach the destination, it will be a different feeling altogether. Seeing her so happy and high after the performance reminded me of my batch last year, and tears once again just poured. She reminded me of my batch and the me one year ago.

While I was sitting down watching the last scene, I'm thinking of how I want to be up there again. I dont know if they were shedding tears of relief that everything has been successfully completed, or that they know it's their last time acting out this show, and for j2s, the last time to stand on huangcheng's stage. I wonder what it's like to do huangcheng one year after another for 10 years straight. Will the feelings be stronger or that familiarity will just wash them away. I used to think that 2 years of huangcheng is too short, but then again is it good in a sense that it will make us cherish the experience as 'THE 2 YEARS' instead of 'another year again'. 渴望是痛苦，但也许让我们更珍惜所拥有的。

我不知道为什么会有这种想法。读了很多学长的话，很多都说因为黄城，而让我对__有兴趣。而他们也现在在这方面取得了很好成就。我好像要也和他们一样，有一天让黄城的学弟妹们为我而感到骄傲，因为黄城就真的对我生命有着重要的影响。

It's so heartwaming when you know that someone's great achievements today, are an effect of the cause of huangcheng. I want to do well in the media industry, because I want to show through my actions the spirit of huangcheng and it's effect on people!

I see the super seniors around me and sometimes I'm very curious how they can remain so calm when mentioning about huangcheng. It's a super childish thought, but I will be wondering how come they say they feel so much but then dont show it. I guess as time pass, the huangcheng spirit will evolve itself into another form, not the go watch huangcheng and come out super high like the more recent batches, but something deeper than that. Probably it's about how you put it into your lives or your heart? At different periods of time in our lives we'll definitely view things differently, and it applies to huangcheng too.

Ok I shall sleep now it's really late. huangcheng <3

2011-04-20T00:34:00.002+08:00

好久没有以华文来写了~刚才工作时，偶然发现很多报馆的上司都认识我的老师，于是好奇地去检索老师的名字。结果发现不简单，原来老师虽然还很年轻，却有那么多‘默默无闻’的成就。突然觉得她真得非常了不起.

原来她活跃于华文社会，曾经是一本华社周刊的重要会员之一，而很多华文媒体界的都是这样认识了她。华社的这些‘知识分子’原来是那么小，那么紧紧地联系着。我非常欣赏他们的那份执著，他们充满梦想和理想、他们深思。有多少人会认真思考社会或人生，而又有多少人被眼前的金钱等左右自己的人生。

听起来非常愚蠢，但是读了这些文章后，我想要成为他们一样，自己的思考能力能让自己在华文媒体事业中闯出一片天。每年黄城都培养了优秀华文人才，而我们这一届就真得很难有。我想要成为我这一时代、这一届的，但是我知道我离他们实在是太远太远了。

回头看看自己的这一代年轻人，不要说能精通双语，就连他们的那种深度思想，已经非常少见了。我这种程度的华文真得非常不好，但是在年轻人的眼里算是‘很厉害’。

有些时候，就觉得自己似乎不是年轻人，因为看待莫些事情的观点抽离了年轻人普通观点，而更接近上一代。我会为失去这样的人才和思考深度而感到惋惜，但其他人或许就认为这是时代变迁的一部分。现在的我们是否真得变聪明了吗？或许我们更多人能考A，但我觉得我们越来越不会做人了。这就是所谓的Give and Take吗？

是社会的错？是我们自己的错？是否接受这命运的改变，还是紧紧抓着以前的时光再努力地逆着流，把自己拉回去？很多人会觉得我很傻很奇怪，干吗那么想做以前lao kok kok的人，现在的我们不是很好吗？科技发达，多么方便舒适。

每个时代都有自己不同的观点和要求，其实这样‘跨时代‘做比较是不公平的。每个人都会认为比他们年轻一代的都不如他们自己，真的是这样，还是‘好‘和‘坏’的衡量标准每年都在改变？

黄城的一个trademark在于我们会很迟很迟才收工，所以今年当他们10点就准时收工，学长们就认为他们很slack。其实这样也很不公平，本来能早回家是件好事，但因为学长的期望，它似乎成了一件坏事。

政府每次想翻新这个，翻新那个，因为‘新’是他们对于好的标准。一个地方稍微落后，就被批评为没有把地方照顾好。但是我不敢想象，若全部的建筑都成了整齐有规律的一栋栋建筑，我还能找到在旧建筑穿梭的平静吗？为什么就一点的组屋就不好呢？

那天某新候选人的专访就提到，他喜欢波动巴西，因为那里环境宁静。突然觉得ironic，他所属的党整天喜欢装修新建，但我相信就是因为波动巴西少了这些，他才能有和其他地方不同的一种气氛。

今早跑步时，我沿着波动巴西和碧山的那条龙沟跑着。同样是设有跑步道的龙沟，左边是一座座组屋，但感觉还是不一样。波动巴西有那种时间暂停的感觉，离开城市的喧闹，放慢脚步，享受眼前所拥有的时光。可能是因为旁边的组屋都是颜色浅淡或有点葬吧，而不是很整齐有规矩地把它上漆。

哇太累睡着了~用华文来写真的需要花更多时间。或许我应该多这么做，练习练习吧~I wonder if I can better write this post if I were to use english. I had difficulty expressing myself and to organise my thoughts while writing this. Is it because chinese is more difficult to type, or is it just because I'm so used to thinking in english?

I need to find my mission in this career that I enjoy, and take practical actions towards it. The biggest challenge I have now, is be able to break through of my comfortable position, and strive hard to become better.

2011-04-19T00:41:00.002+08:00

oh my I just spent the whole night on fb uploading super overdued photos that are no more fun anymore precisely cos it's overdued. And I realized when I type in blogger, I naturally convert to the singlish informal mode. My previous post was typed in gmail, it was so much better in terms of language and punctuation.
Ok I shall type in Arial to see if it works!

Anyway over the last 2 weeks, I've had the chance to be assigned to quite a few political assignments and get to work with imba colleagues to learn from them. Just a few days ago, I was surrounded by around 500plus people in white top and white bottom, super overwhelming! I've never seen so many men/women in white before! It's really quite wow when you think that these are just a small number of the whole lot of them. I wonder what about it attracted so many people to join. I've never expected such a huge number, when I only see 80plus people in the frontline.

Everyone says that they join because they want to help people. But why must you join that to help people? Aren't small daily actions also enough to help people. Ok la it's stupid to think that way because ultimately we'll need good leaders to be there to lead the nation. I actually come to change my opinion of politicians after these weeks of learning and contact with them.

I used to be really skeptical about people coming out to 'serve the people'. To me it was just an excuse to get to where you want to be. But after I learn more, I realize you really need to have a certain amount of passion and commitment to be able to be standing where you are now, especially when you're chosen among thousands of people. It's not easy being one, because there's so much you have think of and prepare, for the sudden questions that are popped right in front of you , for the amount of time and privacy you have to sacrifice, the strong character you jmjust posses. (Oh my I'm falling asleep now I should go sleep liao. I want to go jog tomorrow morning and explore more new places whee!!) Haha I'm ending it so abrupt havent even reach my main point, but I shall just continue next time (:

2011-04-18T23:50:00.001+08:00

bleh i really want to blog but i can't find time. my time management really suck la ): i have so many thoughts over the past weeks, but i'm those that if i dont write it down, it will soon be pushed to the back of my mind.

I'm lucky to get to go for some events that might be deemed too important for an intern, although there're also others going together and guiding me. I'm really grateful that they're willing to give me a chance to go and even write, although I know my writing skills requires much brushing up.

Sometimes I wonder if me being in such a good environment, is it a blessing or is it something that I shouldn't be so happy about yet. With everything going on so smoothly for me, it seems as if life's very constant and there's no challenges that I really need to give my all to overcome. I know it's an excuse for me not growing, but sigh I just can't help it>< There's definitely obstacles in between, but not those 'do or die' kind. I used to want to find challenges for myself, hoping to invite them to come, but at this point of time, I just don't want any problems on my scholarship and university application because it's my future at stake.

Like what huiping says, my problems are happy problems, in a sense I get to choose between studying local or overseas university, when others are thinking about more immediate problems like to earn a living. I'm a really lucky girl. That day during the meeting, I mentioned that 'I really can't study', and there was slight commotion among the rest. At that moment, I realized how insensitive I was, and how elitist I was. Being surrounded by friends who are from the so-called more elitist lot, when we talk we talk about university problems that are truly major in our lives at this stage. But when you see it from a higher view, think of the people who will just smirk at your 'problems' when they have more immediate things at hand that will affect their family. Sometimes due to our circle of friends that we usually hang out with, we tend to be very narrow-minded, and have neglected many more important things. Among my friends, I really mean it when I say I can't study, I'm not the 'hui du shu de liao' and I know it. But it's only when I put myself in the context of hwachong students. From a bigger picture, people who have difficulty entering university, they'll just be disbelieved and ridiculed me for saying such statements.

Yesterday boonhwee called me and he told me that I should really have a mission in life and work towards it, such that when you make decisions in life, it'll be much easier because you are very clear of what you want to achieve in life. For him, it's helping another person whenever he can despite the fact that he has such heavy workload and a lot of commitments already. I really feel very silly now, I cannot lose the bigger picture. I want to help and bring happiness to others to, that's one of my larger goals in life. I need to always keep this in mind, and see which of my choices will bring me closer to this goal. I must always renew my determination and not lose sight of it. University is important to me now, but there're other things that might not be as important now, but no doubt crucial in the whole of your life. Everything builds up on each other. At every moment, we are planting a cause and effect at the same time. Something that we do now is due to the actions that we had done in the past, and this action at present, will lead to another action in the future. Simultaneous cause and effect. What buddhism teaches and I really like that when I heard it.

For example, the decision of joining huangcheng is an effect of me watching that fateful theatresports performance that random night and the next morning have shangxuan tell me about huangcheng in hwachong. Joining huangcheng is a cause for my future career now, because it allowed me to know many wonderful friends and have wonderful experiences that allowed me to views thing differently as compared to the super naive me last time (though my thoughts are still very much naive), which I know is making a great difference in everything I do, like during my internship and my decision of studying sociology. Studying sociology will be a cause that I've planted for some effect that I've yet to discovered or go through. Basically everything in life are all just so related, we can't just dismiss if off lightly but treat it and think how we're going to make use of that experience.

Haha I wanted to talk about the specific things I see at work, but I talked about all these realizations that were all along there, but waiting for me to link them together and make sense of it. Yay I feel happy (: And I'm doing all these in office wahaha while I'm waiting for my assignment to come.

2011-04-10T00:48:00.002+08:00

sigh wanted to blog a little before i sleep but now cant liao>< cos tomorrow i have a super early job (sundays><) and i think I need to go office first to read up and research a little before I have the confidence to go for this assignment that might seem unimportant, but important to me. Haha I'm going in circles because I'm not allowed to mention anything about job on social media><

anyway evelyn, want to tell you that you're really really great because I see so much of your positive treasures that all of us have, but you successfully brought it out and overshawdow your fundamental darkness.

Ok more about that another time. I wonder how I'll feel when I go office next week and have one less friend whom I can conveniently talk or meet or mutual encourage... And thank you evelyn yuensin for the wonderful afternoon we had!! I'm so glad and grateful that I've met both of you <3 We share bonds as strong as diamond, so we're going to be sparkling diamonds ourselves as individuals when we challenge and grow and polish ourselves for the better! ok that's lame -.-

2011-04-07T01:13:00.002+08:00

read evelyn's and yuensin's blog after such a long time. And I totally agree that we should give outselves time to reflect everyday. That was one of my resolution for this year, to write diary and reflect. Unfortunately, I've not changed my bad habit and am not doing it again. Ok there's still 3/4 of the year to work hard!!!

There's really so much thoughts in my mind recently due to the many things that I've faced across this few weeks. Everyday is a new learning experience, and I feel like if I dont take the time to reflect, these experiences will not put itself into good use. My mind seems to lose momentum for reflecting. Wah this cannot do!!

Today is another overwhelming day! Suddenly being thrown the choice of studying overseas, and I dont know what to do. (oops im supposed to research on it now not blog! but oh wells im reflecting(: ) I wonder if others judge yourself better than what you judge yourself. How much potential in me do I really have as a journalist?

Sometimes I feel very frustrated that my parents are treating me like a kid when it comes to making uni choices. They make it seem as if I dont know anything, when I'm giving all these uni and scholarship much hard thought. The advice they gave me was to think through it properly, which I'm already doing. But if I think of it another way, am I really that matured where my parents do not have the reason to worry about me at all? They might not know how everything works as well as we students do, so what they can do is really just to leave the word of advice.

After all, i've chided myself for not considering wide enough about an overseas education. Everyone asks me the same question of why you dont want to go overseas. It's true that one of the reasons is that I didn't consider that far and just settle for ntu mass comm when francoise told me about the existence of this course. Which boils down to me not thinking deep and matured enough. Something that is a booboo for a journalist. That's really a weakness of mine that is hindering me a lot.

Actually university education is going to give me all the skills that I'm currently lacking but desperately need. Critical thinking, speed reading and absorbing, writing and thinking fast, language improvement.

It's really scary come to think of the many times I've swayed between the line of wanting and not wanting the scholarship. (eh will they search me and find my blog omg><) I know this phase and my university phase is going to be very very crucial in shaping what I'm going to be like in the future, ebcause it's going to give me so much chances to grow and find my way.

Now's my down period, because I feel lost among my friends. I'm really quite upset about friendships issues, I don't know if it's my fault or not, and what I can do to improve the situation.

If I'm going to be a journalist for 4-6 years in the future, it probably will affect my social life for that period of time too. By then, if you dont put in enough effort, your social circle will shrink rapidly. Or rather your true friends will shrink, while your networking 'friends' will increase exponentially. I don't know if that's something I'm willing to give it a risk, because my social life and friends are SO SO important. They're everything to me, such that if you throw me to an island withotu friends, I will just suffer damn badly.

I'm really very upset over the situation now. I don't know if such things can be salvaged. Beause I dont want and cant bear to leave things the way it is now. Why do I always have to go through this phase whenever I enter a new stage of my life??

Oh my I just realized, it this is already affecting me so much now, what will happen if I go overseas? The situation is only going to worsen. But then again it all depends on me.

I am going to chant hard and do my human revolution. I shall find my strength and courage and all positive qualities in me.

2011-03-29T01:27:00.003+08:00

Another quiet night when I'm supposed to be sleeping. Uni applications are really getting on my nerves, it's spending a lot of times that I haven't been meeting a lot of friends recently. I like how my nights will always be packed with something to look forward to, whether is it a friend or even a meeting to attend. I'm so used to this lifestyle that it seems weird going home with no specific event, except to do uni apps><

And I really miss huangcheng alot alot )))): I've missed 2 chances to meet them, and I really hope the next one would come by really soon. Seeing yuensin's post about huangcheng made me nostalgic. I was writing about huangcheng for one of my university apps essays in the office, and I had the photo of huangcheng 2010 orientation with the '黄城’ filled with hundreds of our handprints beside the computer. When kiahui came by, I showed her the photo, and it dawned on me that I actually subconsciously, kept looking at the photo while writing that essay. Especially when writing the part about strong bonds, looking at the photo brought back the feeling.

I guess the huangcheng spirit will only be felt if you go through it, and are dedicated enough. I really believe that the more one contributes, the more one gains, because the satisfaction and the tugging in the heart will only be felt whole-heartedly when you went through lots and lots of challenges.

Maybe it can be said that the more one put his heart into doing something, the more passion and enjoyment he gains. huihui was telling me today about how there're two different kinds of reporter, one who just treat it as a job, and leave after completing his job. The other is one who really pours his whole heart doing it, putting in so much effort, and the kind of passion really shows. She feels the satisfaction when the issue that she raised brought a ringing in society, and when ministers mention about it. It's really a difference made.

It's also the same to say that, if you put your whole heart out to love someone, put your whole 100% self and never hold back, the joy and happiness that you feel, is something that no one can ever take it from you. I'm glad I did that, because the warm fuzzy feeling in the heart and the wide smile on my face whenever I think of the happy moments, are here to stay.

The same goes for huangcheng. Until now, I'm actually quite amazed at how strong a passion I have for it, a strong bond that I've never felt in my life before. It's really home and the people, family to me. And when I see fellow seniors who share the same passion burning in them after so many years, it really feels so 亲切。Haha again it's so frustrating that I can never put the feeling properly into words, besides using 'beyond words'.

I tried to bring this out in my uni apps essay, and I failed>< So I decided to just take out about the strong bond and feeling parts, because if I dont describe well, the reader will be thinking that it's just another cliche and wasting my word count. Anyway it's really sad that I'm bad in words, because people can't feel me from my words, especially in formal writings. I need people to feel from my speech, my expressions. Which is why I prefer interviews so much as compared to essays. Because I'm one who has so much feelings to share, and I just can't convey enough through words, what with all the grammatical error and lack of vocab. Haha yuensin was giving me a grammar lesson just now, I realized the importance of language and I REALLY need to brush up on it!! It's the basic building blocks of our conversations, of lives. Especially when I know how important and wonderful and amazing and influential words are. Lol that's all I have in my vocab to describe words )):

2011-03-27T02:34:00.002+08:00

Haha I love late nights like now, where everything is so quiet, peaceful, serene, and you can just be immersed into your own thoughts and emotions without disruptions. It's the world to yourself where everything else is in a standstill.

If only I can do that without sacrificing my sleep and harming my health>< Come on girl, sleep time!

2011-03-27T02:26:00.003+08:00

I realized how out of touch I am with music and all the music people and concerts. Hmm I wonder what does that show... What caused it to be like that? I thought it wouldn't matter much to me, but I'm feeling kinda sad now ><

Or should I be contented with the wonderful people and memories I've had that replaces all the music-ish stuff?

Maybe I should. Huangcheng <3 Malay Dance <3

No wonder sec school whooshes by but jc stays deep in my heart (:

2011-03-12T19:21:00.002+08:00

I want to learn how to write beautifully and meaningfully )): If only there was more of an appreciation for singlish and that singlish could bring that out more... Bleh how am I going to improve my language!

2011-03-12T18:03:00.003+08:00

Wah finally have some time for myself (:

Went to watch king's speech yesterday. It wasn't like wah super nice kind, but I think it's rather meaningful (: And the scriptwriter for being zai to think of using the king's stammering problem as the main storyline for a historical recount.

Makes me think of how people are so complicated (which is probably good that I study sociology). How everyone have different identities that they carry at different points of time and how these lead to different ways to act according to how society expects of you.

The king behaved so differently when he's in front of different people, when he's in the role of a king, father, husband, patient, friend. And deep down he is really just like any normal human being who has his own problems, and it's really how you want to treat a person that will result in how the person treat you. The doctor decided to treat him as a normal being, which allowed the king to open up and be willing to make friends with him.

I think of the many people high up on the social ladder that I have to meet at my job. Lots of General managers, CEO, basically like the high high ranks in a company. If im in the job long enough, probably politicians too. It's quite scary that you're speaking to such VIPs. But I realized I will only feel the fear and awe when I know his identity. Because there are also quite a few instances where I only know of one's identity after we finish speaking and exchange namecards. But by then I would have finish interviewing him, and I would treat him just as another of my interviewees.

The incident that really said something was how I met tianhui's mum and uncle who were some super high rank people in a big company. They felt just like my friend's mum who's hungry and wants a meal with her daughter. At that instant, the ring of her as some high high person was replaced by a simple 'my friend's mum whom I call auntie'. Like can you imagine if I were to interview her and call her auntie. I would receive a slap.

It's something that I observe but I also don't have the depth or what to think deeper into it. Or maybe it's just society's norm perceptions that someone high up the ladder is an imba person and you will feel very small beside him and you can't make him angry. Haha come to think of it, soci is going to be very useful and interesting to me!:D

High high people are just nice people if you treat them nicely with respect. Basically just treat them like how you would treat some 'commoner'. My sup gave me this super good advice that's making a huge impact on my life. She told me that mass comm is actually quite useless haha and it would be better of if I were to take a humans subject because it gives more depth and content and trains you to think critically. Thanks goodness I was doing research jsut before she told me that so I would understand what she meant and consider it seriously. I thought her advice was so simple but yet important. And she's a very famous journalist whose articles are mentioned in parliament and making an impact on society. I want to be this kind of person, someone who is always making impacts on others' life.

Come to think of it, I think another journalist told me that before too. But somehow I dismissed it off because I thought since media was what I want, I should just take humans. Besides the fact that I hadn't do research at that time yet, the way she told me wasnt convincing and credible enough for me to belieive. Because she was someone who complained a little about her job and her attitude not something that I agree on. So I guess it's also about gaining respect.

Although age and experience definitely made a difference in my job, I think there's also other important aspects that can compensate for it. One's attitude towards work, one's sincerity etc.

I can't accept the fact that soon we will all be in universities already. It's really such a different world. How it felt like seeing a lot of unfamiliar faces at the open house just now. And familiar faces would be all over the world soon. You can't easily just pop a sms, or call up or meet the person out. I don't want that day to come ):

2011-03-06T01:09:00.003+08:00

Alevel results are out and things have come to a proper closure. Somehow yesterday felt very surreal and there was a weird feeling that I can't comprehend.

I didn't do well but I think it was a good (or best as what renzhi corrected me) outcome. And I'm really proud to say that I've grown (: Really I can never expect myself to be so calm and so kandekai about everything and appreciate how things have work and fallen in place for me when my results didn't meet my own expectations. And I can feel my mum bring proud of me for the fact that I've had so much positive thoughts of my results despite it being worse than expectation.

As friday got closer, I felt nervous not just for myself, but also for hwachong, and also our cohort as a whole. Because this cohort is where I have most of my friends here, and I sincerely wanted my friends to do well. And that I love hwachong haha!

When I heard how hwachong has done well (the security guard very cute, he told me to smile and walk in the school, and come out grinning even wider because our school did well) I was really so happy. My hopes went slightly up.

In the hall, when hon announced the different subjects distinction rates and stuff, like how more than 90% got A or B for GP, my hopes continued to go up. I told eliza that I was afraid I will fall down even more if the school did well and I had false hopes.

The moment yuensin's name was called out since she was the first person, I immediately screamed uncontrollably (zao sia some more because I went to senja to chant for 1hour with evelyn elaine) and started crying. It wasn't something that I've felt ever before in my life, the extent of how I really felt so happy for a friend. I'm really so proud of her!! Be honoured girl (: And just now when I went to read her blog, I felt that she was so silly to gave worried so much haha.

Then it was results time. I wished baizhao good luck and started queueing up. One by one I see my classmates with happy and also disappointed faces. I was planning to take the result slip and cover up my grades to look one by one. But in the end I couldn't tahan so I look at it all at one go. On first thought, it wasn't like very good or very bad. But something just felt missing or wrong and I immediately thought of the requirements of the course I wanted and how I didn't meet it. Then I just let myself to go lose and cry for the sake of letting go this feeling that was pressing on me. or probably wallow in self-pity.

I called my parents and told them. Couldn't really judge their response because it was too noisy. But expected them to feel disappointed la.

Somehow had a library fine which I never knew existed so had to go to the library to pay before collecting my testimonial. Saw evelyn on the way and she got straight As too!!! You're really a capable person!(: And I think she performed the best among asd? With youjun probably!

We went to thank liangyong because I got A for csc. That's something that I'm really super glad for and I really feel so grateful towards him because I know I owe this to him and I couldn't have done it without him. But humble him took it so lightly that I got the urge to want to tell him how important it really is to me. But too weird if I did la. Yangfan came and she became the shocking one who got b for csc. But really, she's as 开朗 as usual, and it wasn't just a front that she's putting on. She really took it so graciously, and I really admire her for that!(: She's so optimistic I told myself I must be like her!

Went to find the other csc teachers too to thank them. Went to find mr gow and I apologised to him. Haha he was his usual self where he's always so happy go lucky kind and he told me my results are ok on a national level. Though he cheekily added that physics was an easy paper. I knew that it was my fault that I didn't do well for physics. I somehow was hoping for a miracle but it didn't come. I always had confidence in my sciences so I thought I should focus more on my humanities subject. So physics was the 牺牲品 and when I turn back to work on it, it was too late already. My physics wasn't even that good in the first place. This is really something that my study techniques had a direct impact on my results.

Now that there's a proper closure to my 2 years of jc life, or in that matter, 6 years of IP life, I look back and I made interesting observations.

After results of J1 block test 1, I complained to eliza that I should have taken chem instead of csc because csc was so difficult and people scored well for chem. Although this regret never came back again in my j2 year, I know feel very grateful that I made the right decision of taking csc instead of chem. Chem was so difficult our year, I wouldn't be sure that I'll do well too. Taking csc has contributed to one more of my As. And of course so much knowledge and values that are useful to me in my future. And having liangyong as my teacher (:

Then called ms cheong and went to find her. Joey and I used to comment on how she felt very distant to students, nice but keeping her distance. Yesterday it was so different. When I called her it felt like I was talking to a friend and trying to find her instead of a teacher. I told her about how I didnt do well and apologise to her, thanking her at the same time of how she still made time for me when I heong a lot during the last lap. But really feel damn sian la, that I've put so much hard work for gp and I know I improved already but yet the results still like that. Then when I was leaving, ms cheong told me that if anything can talk to her (although somehow she was quite awkward when she said that haha) and can add her on facebook haha! Which reminded me I can add mr gow too! It seems like only a few weeks ago when he told us only can add him after results of As.

I didn't do well but I'm strong!(: I did feel quite sad on friday, especially when I went back to huangcheng, and I got quite emo. My biggest challenge is that a lot of people around me are getting lots of As and a few Bs here and there. Especially all the smart huangchengren. It was really so demoralizing for me, I got even sadder. Because before that I went out with class and I didn't feel that sad. You know, the kind of feeling that you can't match up to your peers when you thought you eventually could. It really made me question so much about myself and my abilites. It's hard to admit that you're not as good as others, especially when you know you were there before in your upper secondary days. It's really quite a big and painful fall.

My lower sec results wasn't good, but I managed to catch up and surprise myself in my upper secondary days. Proceeding on to jc, I dropped again and it was so difficult to pick up. Even when I eventually did, it was too near alevels and there's wasnt much time already. So in my university days, I tell myself I must must die die do well because it's my last chance to show that I can do it in terms of academics. I want to get on the dean's list or whatever top stuff. I'm glad I have a concrete goal and the courage to set it. Because really, it's university or never.

When I compared with all the people who did well (which was really a lot esp in hwachong), it made me really upset. But now I know that alevels is not the end. How you fare during a levels has no direct correlation of how you will fare in the future as a person. And people will only get better and become more capable. That includes me. Me not doing well during alevels doesnt mean that I won't do well in the future. Plus grades show nothing about one's personality, which I ultimately think it's the most important. Take a look at all the PRs that I've met man.

Soka really taught me a lot. I see lots of capable leaders who come from neighbourhood schools, and it's obvious how much more I admire and respect them than some smart people with bad personalities. And there's also a lot of people who didnt do well in Os, As, but did excellent in university. Yes I'm going to strive and make sure I'm one of them. And I better do because I'm going to look back and read this post one day.

Although I don't like nanyang, I now look back and feel grateful that I'm there. Because I think it would be very difficult for me to get into hwachong if I take olevels because I'm just not the study smart kind. How my love for hwachong can make up for my no sense of belonging towards nanyang. BEcause really, being in hwachong is really something that I'm so grateful and feel so fortunate. I have a nice envrionemtn to study, somewhere I can have fun and be serious too. A place where strong friendships are forged, and a 'time of my life' cca that I will always belong. Basically the I<3HC shirt sums up my love toward hwachong and huangcheng.

I say that my results are the best outcome because it's bad enough to serve as a wake up call, and also not that bad for me to still stand a chance to appeal into my course.

I feel myself grow in faith, and how the past few months and that 1hour daimoku on that faithful morning has prepared me to be how I am now after getting my results. I've never felt so much sense in the statement 'everything happens for a reason'. Haha I'm really proud of myself. But I shall not and cannot be complacent because I really need to work hard in terms of chanting more and strengthening my faith, and also to perform well at my internship to get into the course I want.

I told my parents and also during asd orientation just now. Alevel results are just a ticket to your university course. So as long as you get into the course, it doesn't matter if you get straight As or just scrape through. It might matter to show your ability, but that's one's ability in the past and not in the future. Basically alevels results just serve that one main purpose. I now understand what it means by it's actually not so importnat after all. It's cool how things can be seen so clearly now that everthing has ended and you can look back to think and observe.

It's the process, not the end result that matters. Alevels results might not be that important, but the process of alevels definitely is. How we struggle and learn and make time. I now know where my problem lies, and I'm going to ensure I don't make it again. Of how I didnt study smart but only hard.

My parents blame it on the many activities that I'm busy with. YOG, soka, huangcheng, random stuff here and there. I thought about it and I think it might affect, but ultimately it's my fault and not the activities. THere's so many people out there who are so so busy, but yet they can still do well. And like what I said, if let say I dont join all these activities and get straight As, I don't think it will be as meaningful. Because I will still end up with the same course, but with much less friends I would meet, stories I would have heard, inspiration wisdom thoughts I've gained, experience that builds up. I feel proud of my own life because I know it's enriching with so many things line up for me every single day, and I don't think I wasted them.

There are so many intangible stuff and results are only one of the tangible things.

Ok it's time for me to sleep so I can wake up and do quality daimoku before I go for DSA and work! I must have the courage to face my colleagues' response about my results! I cannot be too affected when I fall short of their 'hwachong' expectations because ultimately, their expectations does not matter as much as how I am going to view it myself.

JIAYOU HEEAI!!(: AND JIAYOU TOO MY FRIENDS!!

2011-03-01T00:36:00.002+08:00

It's bad how I always have to associate blogging with 'doing it with guilt', because the only time I get to blog is when it's very late and there's other stuff that I should be doing like chanting, sleeping and mugging about elections>< oh and mugging for sd kenshu too.

Went to suntec today for a cancer event. I actually thought I can make this article to be very meaningful especially for cancer patients and family who really need the help. But somehow I screwed up the thing because my editor wanted to focus on the research findings and I couldn't make the article interesting due to a lack of skill): I really want my job to be able to help people, no matter how small it may be.

I like the idea of putting our emails at the end of the article so readers can directly contact us. I received emails enquiring about the health magazine (haha I'm trying to avoid keywords here in case the company decides to google search and happen to end up here) asking where they can purchase it. It may seem really minor, but think of how I small deed might make a big difference. If I can let readers get hold of the magazine, they will benefit from the contents of the magazine, and maybe prevent some illness or something that will save them money for treatment. I know it's far-fetched but it's really possible.

And email from TP thanking me for covering the students' projects, which I really hope can help them get some companies who are interested and invest in them. Which is why I squeeze in another project to write about so at least I'm helping one more group (:

Today's cancer one is really quite bad, but I'm looking forward to emails, hopefully, of people who came to know about it through the article and benefit from the event itself. I'm quite sad I didn't have enough words to squeeze in a story of a cancer patient which I'm sure would be inspiring.

And while I was writing the article, they were showing live feeds of parliament. And this MP happened to mention 'lianhezaobao de fuzhuren hanyongmei' wrote this article, and my colleagues went yongmei! It's cool how an article you write can bring about an effect somewhere in society, and in this case the parliament!

Went out with zhiwei today!(: Happy though I didn't see them paixi at all and didnt manage to eat at curry wok ): but still the company of zhiwei is really great. No matter how many years have passed, when we are together, we are always the xiaohaizi that never grow up, despite the fact that we have indeed experience much and grow up from them.

Oh and had a cool lunch just now too! Met up with liangyue finally, plus evelyn yuensin rocco. Talked quite a bit and I enjoyed our lunch! I wonder how it will be like if all interns from all the newspapers have a gathering together haha. Damn cool luh. And I wonder exactly how many of us are here.

Haha enough blogging I shall go chant now! Oh my I cannot fall asleep >< !

2011-02-27T02:14:00.001+08:00

I really wanna blog. Why can't I find time?): There's so much interesting stuff that I see everyday and there's so much to talk about it and the thoughts that I've have. I'm proud to say that I've made my brain work more and think more yay!(:

This period marks the end of a lot of things, and the start of even more things.

End of chingay
End of district 5
End of thinking too much unneccessarily

Start of new challenge in district 4
Start of a job and more challenges ahead
Start of a phase called 'After a level results' ><
Start of a new heeai because I'm going to do my human revolution!!:D

It's easy to lose motivation and determination, so I shall refresh my determination every few days! Talking to people helps a lot, or listening to what others have to share.

Today's a good day! It's great to be optimistic!

Went for SD anniversary and friends from Soka University of Japan came!! Wah it was such a wonderful celebration really. It was touching when we sang Young Eagles together because everyone really sang out loud and clear with a lot of spirit. The SUJ people sang along too. I thought this SD song was an international song, then I realized it's because they learn the song when they're here lol.

They showed this clip that really got me touched. THat although we are from different countries, we are all facing similar problems. Studies, friends, family, financial etc. It's really like all of us are humans, and I feel more on why war is horrible. We're really all the same. What's the point of shooting here and there and killing so called enemies when we are all humans with the same concerns? By right we should understand, all of us have people that we love, and people that love us. Life is valuable no matter who you are.

But then again, liangyong told me before that to achieve something, someone will always need to take the first step to sacrifice himself before something big can be done. Look at what happened in Tunisia. A guy set himself on fire and started the whole thing. And it's also the many people who are willing to go up the streets to riot despite knowing that there's a chance of losing their life down there. Like if no blood was lost, I don't think that it will be a success. It's really sad but I think that's how the world works. The sadist world is that, if not enough people suffer and die, it won't be able to attract enough attention for a change to be achieved. Imagine if one day Singaporeans go on riot and many people, or even a few lose lives, it will be such a BIGGGG news. Wah shit I'm being so sadist><

Maybe it's 2 different kind of deaths and violent conflicts. War is for a cause that I think doesn't make sense in the first place. Riots if done in the right way, are deaths lost for a cause. I appluade those heros because kiasee me will never become one of them ><

And there's also yongjin's testimonial which I think was really inspiring! Top A levels leh wah omg! He's so good at sharing testimonials can haha. Anyway I thought he was those parents super educated, smart all the way since young, but from what he shared today, I realized he isn't. Like from EM1 drop to EM2, bottom few in lower sec. Then gradually top consistently in upper sec. Then crucial O levels he dropped to 150th. A levels cheong back up and achieve his dream of getting top. Studying is such a chim thing that I still can't understand. I was thinking just now and asking myself why I can't perform better although I know I already pushed myself way over limit already. Olevel students are really consistently always much better than IP, and I htink that's a fact that cannot be denied. If you look at the PSLE score, the 'logical' way to say is that IP students are smarter, but probably because of this and lack of olevels, IP slacken so much and lost the skill to study. So the O levels will have sharpen their studying skills so much that no matter what, they can still perform well despite complaining that they didnt haha. I really question myself why I can't. My studying mehtod wrong? Like not efficient at all? It's too late I can't do anything for A levels already. I can only aim high for university. And this time I must find the courage to aim super super high, because this will probably be my last chance at studying, and there's no other chance to prove that I can do it and achieve high despite not doing so previously. My lower sec to upper sec jump is a good enough evidence already. Come on heeai you can do it!!!(:

What there's so much more to say but I scared my mum suddenly come out from her room and start scolding me why I'm still here so late>< Blog until so xin1 xu1 lol.

2011-02-10T12:36:00.002+08:00

You know it's so frustrating when you can't get your thoughts out in nice beautiful words>< Reading yuensin and evelyn these 2 lit gods' blogs gives a very nice warm feeling. besides the thought provoking content, it's the way they phrase their words. After knowing the 2 of them, I feel so tempted to go learn lit, at least learning how to appreciate lit. On their blogs, I see beautiful poems that I can't even understand a tiny winy bit. Sigh I should go do more meaningful stuff la and really spend my time well instead on stupid fb...

Haha why am I, the suaku at lit, surrounded by pro lit people. zhixin, yuensin, evelyn, huiting! And they are all rubbing some of their passion of lit on me! grrr

2011-02-10T11:20:00.002+08:00

Off day today!! Wah I've never felt so free in such a long time! Shall make good use of time hehe (:

Anyway I'm really glad that I get to work at where I am now. Everyone is so nice and friendly and helpful. It's really like one big family, even though I only know a small group of people only.

On tuesday we had lion dance to come in the office! It was so 热闹 and everyone was so high! I never expect seeing a big group of colleagues to get high even in the office lol. We took a mass group photo and I realized that our big big boss is super friendly! And I found out that there's this married couple with kids among us. One photographer, one reporter. It's really cool for a couple to be working together in the same office. Some might say that it's not good because you will see each other more often and more chances of friction and stuff, but they are from different departments so I guess such things do not happen so much.

Then last night was our own cny celebration! We have singing performances, video, buffet, lucky draw etc. 180 people came, and I seriously didn't imagine that such a large group of people were involved behind the daily making of a newspaper. Now I start to appreciate everyone's effort when I read newspapers because you know how much work is being done just to put that few hundred words on print. I actually feel quite bad if I do scan reading because every single sentence is carefully carved out and much thought is being put into it.

Anyway there were 60+ prizes to be given out, so the chances of winning is very high. I won a super big hamper!! One that I have difficulty carrying, such that I need to call my dad to fetch me and the hamper lol. The hamper must really be quite expensive, there's lots of wine and XO, 雪蛤, mushroom, abalone and lots of other things I don't eat lol. I was actually quite sad when they called out my name because I wanted the first prize which was an iPad. But oh wells big hamper leh not bad I shall not complain hehe!

THe whole performance was held in the office, and the stage was actually this long table where printers etc are usually placed. If you are not there, it's really hard to imagine how they manage to put up this mini performance in an office. And our office is considered quite cramp not very spacious liao. So I took photos hehe! I even videoed this super cool acapella performance that they put up themselves. Wah like not bad for amateurs!

Anyway for the past 6 days of my work, there were really so much things for me to learn and see. How different organisations put up cny celebration, but it's obvious who's sincere and who's not. How PRs work, and I feel really uncomfortable with them around >< How you get to see dead bodies. This senior colleague told me that reporters are actually very 黑心. Because when someone dies, it actually means there's more interesting news to write. And it's really quite horrible that they've seen so much and have turned so 麻木. I guess when that happens and you don't reflect and think each time, it's difficult to treausre and appreciate life. Because after seeing so much, a death is just another death. But to a normal individual, especially his family or friends, it's not just any other death. It's a death, and it's a whole stretch of life that has ended. And all just within that split second when it's unexpected.

At first when we went to the scene, we only thought that people were injured with no deaths. The moment I learnt that there was a death, the feeling that came was quite shocking to me. Something like 'Oh that's something different!', instead of 'Oh my someone actually died and a life was lost!' Quite disappointed and angry at myself >< Which was probably why when I saw the body I was so calm. Though partly because the people around were all very calm. If his family was there, I think it would all be a different story.

So after that while we were standing nearby and was waiting in case any action happens, I made myself think that what I saw just now was a life that was suddenly lost. And the family members did not know the bad news yet. It's very difficult to put in words la. And I think it's really quite bad if you think from the family's pov: The people handling his body and stuff are all so calm as if nothing had happened; but, the family's world has just collapsed.

I know buddhism teaches that there's no need to be afraid of death, because death is like a welcoming rest after a day's of hard work, and after the rest, another day/life awaits you. But I guess that's something that I can't really feel for anytime soon. I'm still very scared of death and stuff. Probably as I grow up, I will see and learn more and start to think from another perspective.

Anyway, I realize my job allows me to learn a lot and broaden your perspective. Every day is a new assignment, and new people that you will meet. Yesterday, for once, I saw that what I learnt in economics have a little use. It helped me understand the things that were mentioned in the media release I attended yesterday. I guess it allows me to know a lot of different things, especially the research that you have to do everyday before an assignment. Haha it suits me because I have more scope of knowledge rather than depth.

Yay I like my job and my working environment, and I hope after doing for another month, I can see myself doing it for another 4 years! I'm also glad that there's yuensin evelyn joc all at different sections and newspapers with different experience to share. Although theoretically we have the same job title, the kind of job we do is so different. Different ways to obtain information, different way to write articles, different working environment. This photographer told me before, that this job doesn't have those monday blues. Because everyday it's something new, and you will be excitedly awaiting for what comes instead of expecting the same thing again and feel sian. Haha I can't wait for elections to come because then the newsroom will be much more exciting!!

2011-01-31T01:41:00.002+08:00

Haha I'm supposed to sleep like 30mins ago but I got hooked on fb looking at past photos. And sigh how I miss being in school and all the crazy times that you can have. Now it's just having to behave cultured and not like a zhangbuda de xiaohai... I really miss all these. It sucks to think that all these time will never come back again. Like how our first complete 09S6A photo will be the one and only already. Because people have flown all around the world and it's so difficult to gather everyone back again. It's exciting to know that you have a job that you have been working for for the past few months to look forward to, but then again, you so badly want to go back to school and be a student there forever so you can have childish times with your friends, heartwarming times with those you care and so much more... And listening to huangcheng ost now doesnt help >< sigh.

2011-01-31T00:29:00.002+08:00

I like to blog late at night when my surrounding is quiet and everything comes to a standstill. It's time to reflect back into what happened for the past few days!

Went for the ntu talk on sat with yuensin and zhenping. And all of us see all our friends from pri to sec to jc to workplace. We all got busy saying hi to friends we havent seen in a long time, and exclaiming how small the world is! Like how when I said hi to yichin, I saw him waving at zhenping too and I turned around to see velda and was so shocked that I waved to her when I don't know her haha. Turned out that velda is zhenping church friend, and so zhenping knew of yichin too. Then finally saw jacq in real life, and I really hope we can have an exploring spore journey with yuensin huiting jacq that's gonna be super cool :D Yuensin's right that you see many familiar faces of friends' friend whom you see so much on fb photos, but don't know them in actual life.

Come to think of it, the world's actually not small ya. It's just our social circles that are small and limited. Small not in terms of the number of friends you have, but the kind of friends you have and their background. From pri sch, most of us come from the top few classes, and naturally we have pri classmates who are also those top few. Next, these so called top few will find their way into not bad secondary schools, especially those coming from elite primary school. After that, these people who graduate from the not bad secondary schools will see a lot going into JCs. People who enter JCs will mostly want to enter uni. So tada! You see many of your friends at the talk! When it's actually just because all our friends have a lot of other jc friends. But if you look from the bigger picture, I don't think it might be the same if you have a gathering with everyone that's of the same age as you in spore. I guess that's why this bunch of us lucky kids do not know how privileged we are because we do not have much chances to see another side of society.

Ok la just my personal thought. Sometimes I feel quite disappointed at myself for not knowing enough about the other side of society. Somehow we have the general perception that those unfortunate ones are only a small minority in Singapore. Now I really question if that's really the case. Apparently Singapore has the second highest Gini Coefficient I think, but seriously speaking I don't see it from my own life experience. Either I'm really ignorant, or the government is controlling too much of our perceptions, or it's the media's fault. Wah I feel damn ignorant><

When I read newspaper articles about how some people working as cleaners only earn 3 digit salary per month, I wonder why it's so much easier for us Alevel students to earn 4 digit salary. When we go job searching, companies don't even bother looking at our results, they just believe that alevel students are able to do it. But why is that adults that have more experience than us, and are doing much tougher physical jobs earn lesser than us. Why is it so difficult for them to find a job that alevel students can do? Sigh the world is unfair >< I know I'm over simplfying things. I shall continue to observe and think and hopefully gain more insight at my intern to find out these answers.

Anyway went for Disciples of Sensei Arise (DSA) this morning and learnt a lot today. Need to go xiao1 hua4 and internalise it. Then went to member's house one by one to pass them cny cards personally. I think it's really a good idea (: Then on our journey here and there, talked a lot with woeiji huiping. Though I do more of the listening haha. They let me see a side of the 'adult world' that I've never considered. Sigh why does adult world seem so far from me when I'm already inside here. Too protected ><

Today thought and learnt a lot about being a leader and stuff. Then during the meeting tonight to discuss, I suddenly got very afraid of the path ahead of me. I guess I could have been overwhelmed by all the things that huiping woeiji might have said. Like before that I was ok with it because I know how it's a challenge and I needed it quite badly because I'm not growing as fast in my protected comfort zone. Then somehow I got quite scared again because I didn't know if I could do it, and I don't want to have the same feeling I get when I realized how screwed I am as a leader and how I havent been doing much for the district.

Then I talked to ronn and he's ready to take up the challenge. And the calmness and confidence that he has reminded me of how I used to be last time. Very optimistic towards new challenges and willingly accepts it. Just that I was really ignorant, and I'm sure ronn is not. I think he's really strengthen a lot in faith though all the training that he gets in poly and the damn zai TG! Seeing how calm he is unlike the panicking and confused me makes me feels not so worried.

Went home and chant and rethink. And I felt damn stupid for feeling the fear that was instilled in me by myself out of nowhere. Everyone around is growing so much and so fast while I'm still taking little baby steps when I should have reached long ago. Besides feeling glad for my friends, I really feel quite sad that I'm nowhere there yet. WHen this challenge of going into a new and environment appears before me, I should be grateful for the chance given to me, and embrace challenges, like what I always write in my personal statements. Because I know that I've always lacked initiative and has been relying too much on others. It's really time that I move forward with stand alone spirit. After all, what has the flint kenshu taught me? I will take the lead. It's not 'we' but 'I'. Everyone has individual responsibility to do it.

When I learn and grow, not only will I benefit, the members that I'm taking care of will also benefit. It can also serve as motivation for fellow gakkai friends just like how others did to me. We learnt about how one person can bring joy to another friend, and this friend can pass it on to another person and so on, up to 7 degrees. It's wonderful really! Oneness of man and environment.

It's my chance to do more for kosenrufu and carry out my human revolution. After all, when I think back about my new year resolutions that I've set only 2 months ago, I mentioned about how I want to be a good leader and do my human revolution.

4) To be able to feel the mentor and disciple spirit that people kept mentioning and yet I still can't feel it. The only way is to read more into sensei's writings and gakkai publications. And through there strengthen my faith, which is actually much weaker than what people think.

9) To be a good leader in gakkai by taking more initiative to meet up with members and informing them. When I see people getting active, I really feel very happy!(:

10) Be a good daughter, brother, friend, leader etc. Basically any role that I play, I must do it well!

My new year resolutions. And now this challenge is helping me to achieve it. Basically, if I ever start feeling doubtful and fearful again, I should look back at this post that provides me with reasons of why I shouldn't.

Ok needa sleep. Tomorrow is the BIG day!! Omg wish myself luck and wisdom and everything good!! It's my first step towards realizing my dream yay! (:

2011-01-28T00:29:00.002+08:00

Feel really frustrated and argh and sad and all negative emotions after I saw something... The scariest thing is to decide what to do as my next step. Why do things have to turn out like this? ):

Anyway went for the flint kenshu review just now. I really think this kenshu is so very important to me, and it might be one of those turning points in my faith. I said 'might' because to make it to a 'would', it really all depends on me to make the effort and determination to do the targets that I set out for myself.

Thank you for the flint kenshu laurel, liyu, kaiyang, ivan! And study comm too! Flint kenshu is a success because it has successfully allowed me to grow, and I'm sure others will share the same sentiments too. Have so many thoughts on it that I'm going to properly type out and email it to the 4 of them and keep it for myself too.

Tomorrow will be my last day as a telemarketer. I'm a super nostalgic person sia. Even though I don't love my job, but as long as it concerns leaving something that you have grown used to, I will still feel a tinge of sadness. It's not a place that I will ever go to since it's so out of the way >< I'm really grateful for the great company I have at work, because it makes work so much more bearable (:

Anyway called yuensin at work today haha! I was trying to get information from her on virtualization and switches, while she was trying to ask me to order hampers. Damn rubbish but super funny! Like I was literally shaking with laughter my hands were so wobbly I could just drop the phone anytime. I had to use so much energy to control my laughter that I have difficulty holding a pen and writing.I should have done it earlier when I was so much freeier. Now need to hit scary targets >< Tomorrow I shall attempt to call zhiyi hh!:p Wonder if I can sneak a call to my taiwan friend... Oh I should prank call yishun too haha! Go make all the overseas calls hehe:p Too bad minhua is in UK if not I can call his malaysia number! Wah exciting hehe :D I should learn to do so earlier to bring joy in my work can!

OH anyway I got the internship!!! (:(:(: Shall meet evelyn tomorrow and she is going to spam me with all the stuff that she seen this week! :o

2011-01-24T00:25:00.003+08:00

I'm blogging finally! What happened to my resolution of writing and reflecting every night? >< But I've been really making the effort to think every day although I'm those kind that needs to write it down for my thoughts to like really consolidate. Everyday brings me with different thoughts due to different events that happen. I shall go back to my old blogging style of like the daily diary thing! I know it's late and I should go sleep to have energy for the start of a new week but I need to blog!

Today 23/1
Had a wonderful htht with weiqi and elaine (: It was so impromptu, we just bought yoghurt and stand by the window at amk hub to finish it, and we stood there for 2hours to talk. A great relief to get something off my chest, with people who is feeling the same as me. Since we only have a few months more to go with asd, we shall just make the best out of it and learn maximum out of it. I realize that as we grow up, no matter where you go, there will be conflicts or complications in between people. Which is why I like to be with kids. They are all so innocent and pure it's so easy to get along with them (: Everytime when I teach the kids piano, I feel so at ease, but the moment their parents are in the room, the feeling will somehow be different already. Human relationships are complicated man ><

Argh shit so much of the stuff that we talked about cannot be written here ): But anyway we really poured our hearts out and told each other stuff that was usually our own deep felt feelings that we thought will never be surfaced through the lips. Elaine said something that is quite interesting, when she look at crwods of people, she will think about how each of them have their own problems. It really makes me feel that any problem that I have is so insignificant as compared to like wah the great universe. But because we are so concentrated on ourselves at times, these problems are enlarged in our lives and we think that the whole world just resolves about OUR problem. I guess we really must learn to be at a higher state to look at the bigger picture. Besides being more selfless, we will in turn recognise that our problems are not as bad as we think, and that we should be concerned about others around us. Wah suddenly I start to understand more about what buddhism means by absolute happiness vs relative happiness (: Being able to be in such a high life condition all the time that even when problems arise, you know that they are just low walls that can be easily climbed over. How learning to see and feel that being alive is already something that is worth to be happy about. Instead of gaining happiness only due to superficial things, though I think they are important as well.

The environment that we are in seems like such a wonderful place when we open our hearts to feel. I decided to try a new route and took 57 direct bus to tbsc today, where usually I will hate it for the long journey that I have to spend. But this morning, I was quite looking forward to taking the bus because I will get to observe many places due to the long bus route. Although I didn't really observe a lot in the end because I was busy replying smses and too tired from previous day chingay, I'm really glad that i can go on just a simple bus journey with such light-hearted spirits and even force myself not to sleep when there's things that I can look our for on the road.

Then in the evening I brisk walked to zhiyi's house to pass her my dear csc notes, and on the way trying to look our for places that I can run and explore at the same time. And I saw this area opposite with old hdb flats that was supposed to be a 老人区. I've walked pass that area for countless times, and yet suddenly today, I felt the strong urge to want to walk inside and see what it's like. But I didn't in the end because my family already ordered zhucao and I only had 5min left. It's ok I will go there next time (: So I just ran straight to the industrial park and back. I really felt so stupid that for the past few months, I've been running around this tiny track 30times each time, seeing the same thing over and over again, thus needing so much determination discipline and struggle to complete the boring 30 rounds. Ok la maybe training of my discipline is the only good thing. Because I've learnt to appreciate our legs, and how it can bring us to places.

Last last sunday decided to have a super impromptu exploring with zhixin! It's really super cool!!(: I'm so glad that you came although you have flu and should rest at home:p I ran to the industrial park behind my house, cross the bridge to potong pasir, ran pass flats, saw PAP trying to propaganda senior citizens to vote for the building of lifts by organising a walking excersise thing, ran along the river/canal, ran through this tunnel, and saw zhixin just coming from the direction of her house! We contemplated to head to the potong pasir or bishan direction, and decided to go back to potong pasir. We stayed at the propaganda place and listen to him calling out to the senior citizens. And we agreed that there would be 2 kinds of senior citizens: one who would be easily swayed by the sweet talk, or another who will just happily grab the chance to hangout with their fellow senior citizen friends and dao all the propaganda. Haha personally I think it's more of the second group. Which is why potong pasir can be in the opposition hands for so long.

Oh my please don't block my blog ok, I want my freedom of speech! Haha I realize how ironic it is that while i really hate politics so much, to the extent of telling my sph interviewers that I don't want to cover anything related to politics and exclaiming at a young age that Ｉ　will never marry a politician, I have so much comments about it. Like during my sph interview I started talking about the government and censoring of the media. Aiya but after reading so much on it and doing a lunwen on it, you can't stop the comments from coming in haha.

Anyway back to the wonderful adventure that me and bff had. We turned and walked along acjc until we were beside the expressway. Then we walked straight, and walked to this place that zhixin said was super malaysia. I've always travelled pass there but never been there before. So seeing a bahguteh sign, we decided to go there for breakfast with only 5bucks with us. We went to explore the back alleys and admire at the spiral staircase of thos super old house buildings. And I took photos on my handphone haha. Then got this uncle who was working there told me that they are going to demolish it sooner or later ): I bet he must have felt surprised that 2 youngsters where there looking at a building that is our of their era. Then he told us how last time their toilet faeces will come out from this hole or something haha. I found out that I'm really into old stuff and I like old, 复古,ancient etc stuff that can make me happy and feel very perked up. I remember how when txy went to joochiat and we were thinking what people will want to read in an article, I told them I will want to read the old stuff, and the rest all gave me shocked faces. But seriously after spending so much of your time looking at new stuff, I think it's really good to see something more interesting and learn about the history or a way of living in the past. There's so much 人情味 in all the old architecture and their way of living, unlike our generation now, where we stay in flats so close to each other, and yet might not even know your neighbours.

Anyway, we talked and explore the streets that was really old, like those streets in little nonya. Though it's weird to see a 7-11 there. They have nice kopitiams there with a lot of people, and I wonder if they are mostly residents nearby, or people who discovered this little haven too. Then we proceed on to find our bakuteh, but it was not open >< So we went to eat noodles in this old kopitiam. And I was really excited! Because I havent see this kind of old kopitiam ever since I see the 3 or 4 kopitiams got renovated one by one at the lor7 market. And now lor8 market is renovating too ): The gates are the sideway pull one, and they have the stall selling drinks with their whole row of milo cans and milk cans on this long shelf. The stall doesn't sit in the corner or against the walls to maximize space or make it look neater, but instead just at a random spot. The floor is the one with small tiles, and the whole feeling was so different. Wah now come to think of it, I dread the day i step into the renovated lor8 market and be disappointed at how it has lost it character. Although I'm still young, but I already have memories there as a kid, and I really hate to see it all gone. I wonder how the older generations will feel...

I think I'm such a emotional girl who really like to retain memories. Just now I even argued with my mum because she kept wanting me to pack and throw things while I just want to keep them because every single thing of mine brings me a set of memories. Like to me, looking at all these brings back memories that are at the back of your mind, memories that needs a trigger to pull them out. So with all these thrown away, my memories will just stay at the back of my mind and don't get a chance to resurface again ):

Haha I went back school on fri and wah really felt so nostalgic. But oh wells it's time to sleep i shall blog about it another time. Hopefully tomorrow bah! My night's activities are really things to look forward to after a whole day of boring meaningless work that I really can't stand. Like what sheila told me before, always have something to look forward to every day to make you happy (:

2011-01-04T00:51:00.003+08:00

Reading yuensin's blog posts always motivates me to blog (: Her super chim blog posts really show that she is a BJD bujiandan de ren in a positive way (:

It's super late now I shouldn't be blogging especially when I told myself I should stop sleeping so late and 早睡早起 cos my 赖床 habit is getting worse...>< But then again, I'm trying to achieve my resolution of writing diary everyday! Blogging is my diary too, the difference is that blogging can be stuff that others can read haha.

Anyway today managed to hitch a ride home after chingay (: wah save my adult fare! Then this auntie talked to me about being a leader in gakkai and I told her that I'm not a good leader, I wasn't prepared for it, and basically stuff that I mentioned in my previous post. Then she told me that sometimes when you do things just blurblur go do la, because if you are not blur and you know the great challenges ahead, no one would be leader already. Obviously it doesn't apply to everyone, but I think it does make certain sense. Everyone started out not knowing how to be leader, and it's through all the experience and 'trying' that you slowing learn and grow up to be a better one. I can't say that I don't want to be a leader because I don't know how to. Well, who actually knows?

姜还是老得拉。Something that I was pondering yesterday, and today I see it in a more positive light. And that auntie is not even some imba leader or read a lot. She can't read english nor chinese, but yet her experience gave her wisdom. Shows that educated in the sense of getting qualifications doesn't mean much huh? I believe it's almost always experience that will bring a person far. So I probably should quickly find a job, though deep in my heart I want to find more than a job so I can gain more experience (: Haha ambitious la, but I'm just used to being busy.

I'm quite proud of myself, because my determination is continuing strong these few days to really improve myself and attain my resolutions. Let's hope this determination will be present tomorrow morning when I go run :p It seems to be dropping a lot recently...

Wah I'm super not used to short blog posts because my thoughts are not well developed yet so only just mention. But then I need to go sleep before my parents wake up and start scolding me...

2011-01-03T01:09:00.002+08:00

Today has been one of the most fulfilling day I had ever since I ended Alevels. Not that it's very fruitful, but it's MORE fruitful than usual. Because I have activities one after another so didn't waste much time. So you can really see how slack I was. Take note I used 'was' because I'm not going to let this happen again.

I think I started off my new year well (: Finally find myself with more motivation to chant daimoku, and fulfill the targets that our district has set for ourselves. I'm going to start the dmk campaign and get everyone on track again like how we used to be. I really hope this determination and adrenalin will continue as the days pass in 2011.

I shall really read more books about journalism media and gakkai. My study and knowledge of Buddhism is so shallow that I'm really super ashamed of it. Yet everyone is being nice, or truly think that I'm very capable. It's comforting to know that, but I know myself that I fall short of such expectations that others have for me. I'm really much more shallow than what others think of me, you can almost see a hole through me. I believe it's all due to the lack of reading.

Anyway, I also realized how childish and simpleminded I was a few years back. When fiona and someone else came my house and ask me if I can take up the role of being a leader in 4division, I just immediately and happily said yes. They were very shocked that I agreed so easily and fast, and only until today did I realize why. Being the simple minded me 2 years ago, I never realized the responsibilities of taking up leadership. I thought it would be just like how I would share stuff during meetings and so on. But it was much tougher than I thought. I was totally unprepared for the things that I have to do. Many people reject the chance as they are afraid that they are unable to handle and do a good job, and I actually didn't thought of all these. Today, I look back and I realized how horrible a leader I was, and that with 2 years of experience, there really is no excuse anymore. I'm already 18 and an adult, and I can no longer have the luxury of being doted and given special priveleges just because I'm younger than everyone else.

I see liyu, whom I realized is only 1 year older than me. And she's already thinking so much, taking so much responsibilities, in all ways much more matured than what we would expect of someone her age. It's with these people that I pale with guilt, because I haven't been living my life with my maximum potential, seeming as if time is being wasted. My life is really pathetic with such excellent and capable youths around. Haha I sound super pessimistic, maybe I really am, but I think it's good because it's really time I need to realize all these and push myself furthur, because I know one of my major weakness lies with the slow/shallow working of my mind.

So don't worry, with all these constantly in mind, I shall strive, and make 2011 a victorious year. It's a new phase of my life, I need to do major catching up... Let's keep the determination going when it's still new and fresh!!

2010-12-31T23:54:00.005+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2011!!

Wah the first thing that I did this year after watching the fireworks in taipei was to fall asleep >< And I actually slept for 30min! For the first time in my life, I'm bringing in the new year by myself...My dad is at the airport off fetching relatives, mum overseas, brother at friend's house. But went with my dad just now to tiong bahru to watch some performances and food stalls set up by immigrants from different countries. Haven't had a whole family thing for a very long time, but its nice going out with my dad like that (:

Anyway, It's the time of the year again, *drum rolls*... the annual heeai's tradition of new year resolutions! Let's see how well I did last year and reflect well so as to prepare myself well for the new year ahead (:

2010 resolutions

1) Good time management AGAIN! I will be putting this every single year bah. I must leave and balance time for my commitments, family, friends and myself!

Eh actually it's very difficult to judge if I have good time management leh. But this year I took the challenge and take up a lot of things on my plate where I really need to squeeze time out. Huangcheng period was the most challenging because writing out the script was really not easy, especially one that must meet the high standards of teachers and huangcheng. Literally every 'free' time I had, had to be spent thinking discussing, editing the script and the many technical things that follow after that. I learnt to make myself wake up early to do work instead of trying to do it at night when I'm struggling to even be awake. And of course juggling between yog and malaydance and huangcheng band when preparing for prelims. Sometimes I wonder, if I didn't join yog, the extra time that I would have, would it really make such a significant difference to my ultimate results in alevels? I guess I realized that the best way to manage my time well is to pile myself with a lot of commitments and things to do, so that I would work efficiently and maximize my use of time. Unlike towards alevels I keep slacking because I have nothing much to do besides studying. And not to mention currently, I haven't really been doing much after alevels besides going out with friends and going overseas! So I guess my time management has improved(:

2) To pay attention during lesson. Ok la I know it’s quite stupid but I really need to achieve it because I won’t have much time to revise at home during huangcheng period, and there’s the BIG As!! So cannot talk as much during lectures and tutorials liao. Oh man lose out so much fun ):
Oh my what a silly resolution haha! Eh I improved la, especially towards the end of the year, though it's really too late liao. I only knew I never paid attention and properly learn until too late and that I wasted 1.5 years >< But oh well at least I realized, so I shall not make the same mistake again in uni, where I really can't afford to.

3) Be able to know clearly what I want to do/study in future. Ok this is a must to achieve because need to choose university and maybe apply scholarships.
Eh I know clearer but not exactly clearly. At least I'm very sure of the course I want to take (thanks to friends like francoise who share the same passion and help me a lot in finding concrete direction in future), though it will really depends on my alevels results now.. But regarding which part of the media I want, I will only know after taking the course and trying the different forms of media.

4) Leave more time for my family and not let them always be unhappy that I’m forever not at home. And get closer to my brother and be able to talk to him.
I don't spend a lot time with my family, but now I will treasure the time when we are together and also try and make time if possible. Though I'm always outside because sadly and with guilt, I always turn to my friends first instead of family when I have problems. And haha my brother is a better brother now but I don't think I'm a better sister yet >< Though I'm trying la.

5) Take good care of my health that my parents gave it to me. Sleep more, eat healthily and cut down my appetite! Exercise much much more!! To summarise, it’s lose weight, but actually that’s not the most important because as long as healthy can liao (:
Eh no I haven't been taking good care of my health unfortunately. I've been sleeping later and later and currently it's 2.12am as I'm typing this>< My skin is worsening. And I keep 暴饮暴食 and eat non-stop even though I know I'm full. And I start to snack a little already. Haha the KL trip screw up my body clock and my meals liao!

6) To take more initiative to do stuff and not leave it to the last minute. Eg: contact members, doing group work.
I still contact members at the last minute which I'm super guilty of. Erm about taking more initiative I'm not very sure eh. Do I? I take initiative to go out and catch up with friends. I take initiative in terms of csc rep getting useful notes for my classmates. I take initiative (or rather responsibility) in my studies by finding teachers whenever I'm in doubt. Which is how I allowed liangyong to save me yay (: Can't remember anything else already...

7) Read more books and gakkai publications
Sigh fail badly. The only book I read is The Last Lecture. This year it's going to be an important goal for me that I must fulfil liao!!

8) To be able to say ‘no’ when needed instead of always piling up stuff for myself
Yup I learnt how to do it! I pushed away a lot of meetings so as to concentrate on my studies, though sometimes I think I push away much more than I should. Wendy told me before only when we are busy occupied, will we spend our time efficiently. Which is probably why I can never reach my efficiency level during jun hols after that liao>< After all, I can't always take the easy way out right? I attained this resolution, but is this a good resolution in the first place? Maybe, but must balance bah.

9) Form more and deeper friendships! Especially with juniors because I’ve never been very close to any seniors or juniors. Hopefully can forge close bonds with my yanyuans or zhiwei juniors! And for 09S6A to become closer!
For the juniors and seniors part I guess it's a great improvement from before! I'm super proud and glad of the strong secretary cum treasurer bond haha between me and kaka, me and huier (: And our ju is still together thanks to kuan! and 6A did get much closer especially between the girls (ironically because girls are usually the more cliquish ones and guys the anything also can one). Though whether it can last or not is another question... In soka, there are definitely more friendships, but deeper friendships only for a handful. In huangcheng, both more and deeper friendships! Huangcheng outing always make me happy and excited!! Overall in JC, I'm glad to have quite a number of close friends, unlike how Mr Han said it would be difficult. Besides zhixin joey, there's also yuensin and eliza!(: Now the challenging part comes in maintaining these friendships that I treasure!

10) Have many happy times with dear and not quarrel. Always be there to support and motivate each other. Be good influences!! :D
Eh no longer dear, but I guess we still support and motivate each other, and we will continue doing so as friends for many years to come(: Thanks for everything that you have done and gave me a chance to grow up. And also all the help that you gave me on scholarship application stuff!

11) To spend more time on practicing piano and violin. Continue my passion for music.
Wah totally failed!): My violin E string broke which was discovered during cny when zhiwei wanted to see me play. Thereafter I haven't replace the string which I don't dare to put myself for fear of breaking it >< Piano also never practise, and I can feel myself deproving >< Wah my students better not see this man lol! I feel very guilty whenever the parents will say how good I am at finding time to practise...

12) Not to have empty targets (like during dec hols) but really try my best and make conscious effort to achieve all. One way would be to not set too ambitious targets that are too difficult for me to achieve.
My targets almost always fail ): Even my daily targets of work to complete when preparing for a levels also always fall short of expectations. Look at how pathetic my achievements of my resolutions are every year ><

13) Chant more everyday! Must strengthen faith and be a better leader who is not over-reliant on the imba leaders that D5 has!
For certain periods like during the dmk campaign, I chanted much more to lengths that I've never tried before. And for the period before alevels too. But besides that there really isn't much, especially now when I'm supposed to have the most time. Sigh somehow I lost motivation and the adreline and motivation to really concentrate to chant, such that even when I chant, the quality is like booboo ): I did more in terms of ASD side, like how hwachong asd has strengthen and become rather large yay!! For district side, I realized I haven't been doing much or meeting up often with the rest ever since boonhwee and liusan left. Like now also distant from the adult division leaders already. Oh my my excuse of being busy is not applicable now ya!! Do more for the district and asd!

14) Study and prepare enough so I can do well without regrets for ALEVELS!!!
My biggest regret is econs la. I should have realized earlier how screwed up me and my teacher are and sign up for tuition earlier. Although I improved a lot in econs, but it's really not enough with the weak foundation that I have. But for csc, wah I met a shen2 that totally save me and changed how I view things. liangyong is seriously a role model that I regard highly. I want to 聊天 more with him but got not much chances liao. It will be weird if I suddenly go find him when I'm no longer his student anymore... My gp improved quite a lot too, but again it was too late because gp is a very long term thing. But well basically I think I don't have too much regrets besides econs, and that I already studied a lot. Study efficiency is still something that I cannot grasp, it really depends on my lifestate and my condition that day.

Oh my this is bad only 7 out of 14!! )): Let me summarise my whole year.

I think I grow up quite a lot from the things that happen in 2010. That's what my close friends say about me too. I start to think more, though it's really a lot of husiluanxiang that doesn't have much depth. It always get so random that I will naturally stop thinking after a while and zone out. I strive to be like the people who can really sit down and think through a lot of things. Mine come at random moments like when I'm trying to study >< And I　ｒｅａｌｉｚｅ　Ｉ　ａｍ　ａｂｌｅ　ｔｏ　ｏｂｓｅｒｖｅ　ｍｏｒｅ　ａｎｄ　ｍｏｒｅ　ａｃｃｕｒａｔｅｌｙ　ｔｏｏ！　Ｔｈｏｕｇｈ　it's really nothing compared to others, but it's a great improvement for myself!(:

In terms of faith, sigh I　think my faith might have dropped. Or rather I have become more lazy and less determined in terms of practising. This is really bad and for the new I can't do it anymore.

Joey has mentioned that i've become less optimistic, which I have realized it for myself too. Like less moments of really carefree happy, and I get more emo easily.

2011 resolutions!

1) To achieve ALL of my resolutions and targets, such that I cannot afford to not fulfill any single one. If not resolutions will become meaningless. I should print it out and put in my wallet or something so that I will be always reminded of it. Must be determined to challenge and fulfill them!

2) To maximize my use of time.　Not really the same as good time management. I can still have good time management and finish all my stuff but yet spending more time than I should. Don't waste time on unneccessary matters and nuaing, but do stuff that are important and do it fast. Which is why I bought a book and borrow a book on how to use my brain faster and how to speed read.

3) To improve my use of language. Because to want to do media, I need to have excellent command of language. Probably going to read more books about language, and reading in general. Like those very nice very 诗意 stuff so that I can write very beautiful words and not words that are like 白开水><

4) To be able to feel the mentor and disciple spirit that people kept mentioning and yet I still can't feel it. The only way is to read more into sensei's writings and gakkai publications. And through there strengthen my faith, which is actually much weaker than what people think.

5) To improve the quantity and quality of daimoku. Must be in more control of my mind, and not let my mind wander off so easily. If during huangcheng period I can clock up more daimoku than now, why I can't I now?

6) Be able to develop deeper thinking and thoughts and break through the surface, and have more acute observations to my surroundings. Like more 感性。 When I went taiwan, I felt that writing diary is really very good because it gives you a chance and a quiet time to yourself to reflect on the day's happening and force you to really think. I wanted to do it everyday, but I think it might not be very possible because once I start writing I will write very long. Maybe at least a few times a week bah.

7) Leave more time for myself to do things that I want, like reading, playing piano, watching movies, catching up with friends.

8) To be prepared for the adult world and not be so shocked or unprepared for the many complicated matters that I'm going to face in the future. Like being a journalist is more complicated than I imagined after reading the book for PR. Like when people are nice to you, you really wouldn't know if it's for work or true feelings. The line between work and personal life is so blurred. Which is why we should treasure the friends that we make now when we are students (:

9) To be a good leader in gakkai by taking more initiative to meet up with members and informing them. When I see people getting active, I really feel very happy!(:

10) Be a good daughter, brother, friend, leader etc. Basically any role that I play, I must do it well!

Can't think of any now, I will just add on along the way bah. Actually I have a lot of goals, but I think they are more of wishes rather than resolutions. Resolutions are very determined and are a must to achieve, but wishes are stuff that you hope for but not a strong desire and might not be very practical to fulfill at times. Maybe it's time I should update my wishlist too! The current one is like omg so childish mei lian jian ren! :o

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY DEAREST FRIENDS!! 2011 would be a different year, especially for those who just finished their alevels. Because we would be moving on to an unprotected world, where uni is much more different, and we would probably be working too. It's really another phase of our life, so it would definitely be super challenging, but we must overcome it and do not lose our way. Because we know that no matter what happens, our family and friends would be there to support and help us along! Friends, if you all see me changing for the worse, please tell me and pull me back, xie xie! May we all set firm resolutions for ourselves and be victorious!!(:

2010-11-30T00:42:00.002+08:00

ALEVELS IS FINALLY OVER~~

haha i was so excited i lost concentration while doing my physics mcq liao. anyway today had a peaceful day instead of going out and going crazy celebrating. And I realized what liangyue meant by finding happiness within you and not outside of you. By doing things that you enjoy, it's enough to be happy. You don't neccessarily have to go out and celebrate with friends to be happy.

So I went to find huier and talk about a lot of stuff haha. And I went home to watch slumdog millionare like finally! After buying the dvd at cambodia one year ago. It's really meaningful and touching. If only all main stream movies are as nice and meaningful.

Many examples have shown us that money does not bring you to happiness, money does not bring you to love, money does not neccessarily bring you knowledge, money does not lead you to a carefree problem-free life. It is obviously true, especially in today's society, that money is needed in many aspects, but it is never a MUST. I do not understand how people can go to such extreme extent just to earn money and even want to die in money. materialism has such a big impact on society, I wonder where it originates from...

It made me stick firm to my belief that studies is really not that important (although we still have to mug so hard><) as compared to life experiences that you learn in life. Because studies are just stepping stones, where the knowledge that you gained might seem insignificant. How many of us have already forgotten what we learnt in previous years? It's really the memories and experiences that will stay with one. The people whom you meet too.

张惠妹《掉了》说了一句“回忆是最可怕的敌人”

有些回忆的确让人非常烦恼
不愉快的回忆、
曾经愉快但现今已无法挽回的回忆
回忆无法干脆地离开
一进入就一定要留下痕迹顽固地不想离开

但是也别忘了
有了回忆生活才不会空虚
他能让我们伤感时会心一笑
重点在于我们要怎么看待回忆
与其把它视为敌人不如干脆与这个不速之客做朋友让他带给你快乐
同一份回忆在不同心情下能让你有不同的感受
大哭或大笑
由你自己选择

2010-11-27T01:21:00.003+08:00

sianz why do people change? why do I change? why can't things be how it used to be before?>< 人类真的是很难捉摸的动物~~ Why can't it be those happy and carefree days like before? It's depressing to know that as you move on to phase after phase of your life, it's going to be getting more different than you expected.

Sigh where is that optimistic heeai? Go away emo heeai go sleep now!

2010-11-23T20:41:00.002+08:00

wah this is bad totally don't feel like study now. though lucky there's csc consult tomorrow will force myself do work ><

just went fb for the whole night. Like everytime after not going fb for so long will always camp hours in front of it. and realize how much people has changed for friends whom you do not see everyday. I guess to others who don't see us often, we are always changing in their eyes, whether we or our close friends realize it or not.

that's why going fb is actually quite a depressing thing. you see too much into someone's life, whether you want it or not. and sometimes you tend to find out that someone has changed into someone that you don't know, and you don't know whether to feel happy or not. I guess change is really the only constant in life.

And going to fb will only see how your life is only a tiny winy part of lives that are going about. the world out there is so different from what we are having now, especially for me >< sigh let's really hope i dont get cheated or tricked or whatever when i eventually go out there. Now I know why that even though I know quite a number of adults and about their lives and such, I still live in my own bubble. That's because the people that I interact with are basically the so-called 'good people in society', like everyone in soka is so nice and friendly, joey even commented that we are so angelic and no wonder I'm also like that too haha(:

Is that what society or the world really is? Is that how the majority of the people are? And that those people with more complicated lives are just minority? It's so subjective we can never know. In school those with more complicated lives are already people whom we gossip about, and those who we tend to condemn. However, will such people no longer be a small group of people in society that we cannot don't care or don't interact with when we grow up?

That time my mum was saying how my dad wastes time watching ai4. Then my dad was rebutting and saying how it will help him gain awareness of society and of the 勾心斗角people out there. Ok besides the fact that it's quite a funny rebuttal haha, it's actually quite true. That's what all these dramas and theatres and music and movies and mass comm stuff want to convey to audiences anyway. They are all reflections of society. THough in GP we learn that these might cause society to be like what is depicted in dramas in the future. So anyway just know I was peeking and watching a short part of it, and I was so shocked about how fast this guy 变脸 from wanting to kill someone to wanting to be together with her the next minute (literally). Then my dad said it's just how horrible these people are. And he dropped his line of 所以看这些会让你知道社会存在着这些人 again lol.

Ok la enough I shall go back to mugging mode. Shall not slacken and be complacent! Can't afford to do badly in any other subjects anymore since I screwed up econs big time. Sian Sometimes I really wonder if it's the teacher's fault or our own fault under such circumstances. Like what eliza and i were saying today, we realized too late and it was too late to start running on our own already...

2010-11-19T22:30:00.002+08:00

Just came back from the 6th student peace lecture. And I'm really glad I did. I'm sure the others too. Like the 5 of us wearing hcjc uniforms were like the only Alevel students can. And I also like didn't see any asd students leh >< last year there were quite a number of us.

Anyway the talk was inspiring! Thought provoking. And I realized that a lot of things and events around us daily seem unrelated, but if you really go think about it, they can all be linked together and let you learn something from it.

Let's talk about yesterday first. I was at the cafe lobby at interchange eating my dinner. Then this 50+ year old lady came and sat in front of me because she said her bus just left so she just came here to sit down and rest. Then being like almost any peole of her age, she started striking conversation with a stranger like me. At first it was all just very casual talk. Then I asked her if she just finished work at toapayoh. Then she told me she was there for lessons. Apparently, she said that for people of her age that are 'too old', firms will not want to hire them. So instead of rotting their time away watching tv all day long, she decided to come out for property lessons so that at least she can get a job and earn a little bit. But I think her main aim was to keep herself occupied. I really admired her attitude you know. Although her english wasnt good but she didn't gave up when having to check many words on the dictionary while studying.

And she told me quite some stuff about property. Haha last time I heard about such stuff was from kvis during ndp! Then I asked her if the exam that she was going to take for her license is difficult or not. She told me that there's no difficult or not, because she believe everything depends on ourselves, whether we really put in the effort to study or not.

After going for today's lecture, what she said came into my mind again. Because at the end of the lecture when a primary school teacher came up to make last comments, she shared that many of us are naturally used to stereotyping the well-behaved and good grade students as a good student, while tend to dismiss or neglect the rest. And she mentioned that Soka's education value was that everyone has the potential and we should bring out the potential in each and everyone of us. If we were to stick to the stereotypes, anyone who fall outside of it would be already deemed as failures and hinder the bringing out of their potential. Which really shouldn't be the case.

The speaker Prof Syed Farid Atlas then commented that he thinks school teachers should be paid higher than professors in the university. Although they do not have to spend as much time studying PhD and stuff, they have to spend longer hours on teaching and handling all the kids.

And right before going for the talk I was actually talking about that with yuensin! I told her how I was confused if I really wanted to be a teacher or not. Like I want to be teacher that can make a real difference in students' life, and not just teach according to syllabus and get my pay and byebye like sadly how some teachers do. It's really very obvious to recognise between a good and bad teacher. I realized all these after spending consults after consults with liangyong. Wah seriously he changed my life can. Ok sound very drastic but he really had made a huge difference to me. He taught me more about thinking, and to see the world clearer with a different perspective. Although I don't always agree with what he says, it is the way how he imparts his knowledge to us and everything else, which I don't know how to describe, that trained me and my critical thinking skills. Instead of being a passive taker when reading newspapers, I think about the underlying reasons and stuff when reading articles now. And try and link to them to other stuff. I guess that's what he meant by 思考。Although seriously my 思考 is still very shallow as compared to many people out there, I can say that I'm glad that I improved when I compare to myself.

Huiting sent me this: "It is not how you compare to others that is important, but rather how you compare to who you were yesterday. If you've advanced even one step, then you've achieved something great."

And I know that I've really improved over this past month of intensive finding him almost every other day. Sometimes I wonder if everyone were to put under such intensive use of their brain instead of the normal 1% that Einstein claims, the whole world and every individual would be much smarter. Then my mum asked, you like having exams ah? -.- I really don't, much more things are more interesting to study when you don't have to worry about the practicality of needing to perform well for and exam. But the reality is that we would only push ourselves to our maximum under pressure isn't it? Like the few days which I intensive mug for gp, I felt so much smarter and be able to understand many things in society better. And after gp, I continued to read stuff that I wanted to continue reading and thinking, but I can't afford the time to do so now >< I should start coming up with a list of to-dos after alevels! Like I want to read a lot alot and 通 and to upgrade myself and be able to think more crticially.

The chairperson (oh my I can't remember her name but it's some Singapore novelist. I think her name got michelle) then said something which was so so true and linked to what the stranger said to me yesterday too. Ok I can't remember exactly as usual, but the gist was that learning and reading has to be done by ourselves in solitude, so how much and how deep we see things depend really depend on ourselves. Which is true. Like my ignorance in a lot of matters comes from my lack of reading and lack of deep thinking. So in order to improve my depth, I really have to depend on myself. I'm already lucky to have met with liangyong who spark off everything, friends who think a lot, and chances to go for such talks. The rest really have to lie upon myself.

Sigh actually I know at my current standard, I will never be able to get the sph scholarship or be a journalist. Because I'm really very not proficient with language as compared to the many many people out there. But they always say not to give up so easily, and we must always stretch ourselves over our limits. There's not point if we accept how we are, because we would never be able to improve. So after alevels I'm going to make sure I'm disciplined enough to really go think more, read more, and learn more! I really want to find liangyong and talk to him and kop some of his wisdom haha! Wah it's like for my years of studying, I finally found a teacher who had made such a big impact on my life. That day after my csc paper, he called and asked me how was it. I told him that I didn't do well for one of the questions, but he just kept telling me it's ok. Haha I know that's what every teacher will say la, but the fact that he will bother go call his students shows that he really is so caring and a wonderful teacher. He said before that he treat his students as his own children. And I can feel that he really meant it.

Oh my I went so off topic I wanted to talk about the primary school teacher thing! Anyway, if I want to be a teacher, I want to be someone like him. And I think that primary school teachers have a great chance to do such things. Because when kids are in primary school when their character are not fixed yet, what you teach them will make a great difference to them. That time I talked to this teacher who taught in soka kindergarten, she had such close relationships with her students and their parents that they even invite her for their birthday parties! OK la I know that as you grow up and become more matured, you will appreciate teachers more, like how I am now, but aiya I don't know how counter argue la :p I should start talking to more teachers or future teachers. There's like so many in soka I think it's the most popular profession in soka!

Ok let's go back to the lecture haha! The theme was about fake life and purpose of education. According to the speaker, life outside of our education days are considered as 'fake life'. And he had 3 reasons for these fake lifes.

There's a separation between human and his potential. Like we are seeking stuff that are outside of ourself instead of within ourselves and within humans (not technologies). Ok I didn't really catch this point :p

Next was anomi, which was when desires are not being fulfilled. He said that this 现象 was already present since the early years of human, but the modern world has it differently in the sense that our desires now might not be truly what we want, but desires that are created by industries such as advertising. They tell us how we need to behave/look in a certain way, and create our aspirations and desires. There is no longer a limit to our deisres in modern capitalism. And the worse of them all is that many of us do not even realize that we are controlled by such things subconsciously. Are we really looking for things that we want, or what we think we want, or what society want us to want?

Third was excessive rationalism, where people have the obsessive love for efficiency, predictibility, accountability. This is nothing because we know that efficiency is good, but when this mentality extends to our real life, how dangerous would it be? Parents know go for scans and checks to find out if their foetus/baby is normal or has a high IQ. If they don't some will just choose to abort their children because it's not deemed the best since people always ask for the best in everything. We have been so used to the 'goods' and 'bads' of life that it falls as stereotypes. We must get straight As and such and without doing so, you are a worse-off student who is not worth employing. These has caused us to chase for desires that industries taught to us, and not neccessarily what we truly want.

Education is really so biased. I think education can never be about just teaching of facts, because it will always be biased. Like how a lot of stuff that we learn are Euro-biased or male-biased. It isn't neccessarily true. Sigh like how the great difference between the mentalities of cse and csc students.

Ok I'm too tired I'm falling askeep shall stop here thoguh havent say finish. I day of mugging gone, next 3days much work very hard and intensive to make up for my screwed econs paper!!!

2010-11-14T11:42:00.002+08:00

wah studying csc makes me feel that society is very screwed :S Because there's just too much problems that are really rather unsolvable, and even if they are, it will take generations. Now my whole mind is filled with problems that society has now, and i keep thinking until I can't focus studying on csc liao lol.

I think living in the past is better. That time my gp teacher mentioned how this student take a more unusual stand by disagreeing with the question are people better off now today or in the past (something like that). And to me I was like huh? That's an unusual stand ah? That's what I would seriously take can and to me I thought it's rather normal. I know the argument would be oh there's technology, internet, convenience and blah, but I think all these are just relative happiness that isn't long term. Like what really make us (or rather me) happy for the long term are the really intangible stuff like all the love that's around me. Ok I'm confused I shall not write today. Oh my must go back studying and not have all these thoguhts disturb my studying! Wah seriously my biggest distractor is me and my thoughts >< ...

2010-11-09T11:37:00.002+08:00

wah omg i'm so nervous i need to let out some steam here.

wanted to go facebook just now to relax myself a while. in the end ended up more nervous. saw the horror stories of shenyang and yanxin. yanxin got barked at for checking the paper too slowly or something like she was going to look at the questions. and i hate people barking at me. i will always end up crying (sorry la i'm very weak one) when people bark at me. like that time bike hike. and when my parents are very angry and do that to me. the invigilators better not bark at me tomorrow can. if not i think i will get so affected and affect my performance.

wah nervous i wanted to read notes and do an essay but nothing is going in. like whole day in the daze and can't focus properly. go man jiayou!! haha paiseh i'm too lazy to even use write capital letters cos too nervous liao. ok enough ranting i shall try and go back reading the notes and quickly write my essay that i must get a high high mark!! wah why am i typing in such horrible english when gp is only tmr?! I must learn to speak more sophisticatedly (shit i even need to check the speeling of this word><) oh my im freaking myself out. ok byebye more studying!!

2010-10-29T23:47:00.002+08:00

Sigh does being nice really bring so much harm to myself?
How on earth am I doing to protect myself when I grow up next time?
Sigh why am I less optimistic now?

My future looks worrying if I continue to have the character I have now. But then again, it's called my character for a reason. Because it's just me and I can't really change it.

I worry for myself when I see how I'm going to get hurt again and again. Although I might learn lessons from experiences, I can't really control my character and emotions ya. It seems like my nice is going to be taken advantage of again and again, even without the person realizing consciously. Someone told me before it's tiring to be always the independent one whom people can depend on. I guess it's rather tired too always being the nice one... Sometimes I just feel like showing my anger at people and letting people know them I'm a person with emotions. I get upset, angry just like any other human. I'm happy yes, but that's not the only thing that I feel. But I can't bring myself to show my anger because I'm not the kind that will want to create unhappiness and tension unnecessarily. But that always bring me to a disadvantage position, where I can't really stand up for myself, and just feel very wei3 qu1. No wonder I keep needing an outlet elsewhere to rant and rant. Thank you to all those who have allowed this vent to be opened up (:

There's really a lot that I need to reflect about myself. But aiya cannot get distracted liao. A levels in 13 or 12 days I think. So scary omg. And I'm like really really slow at revising and I don't know why. Probably because I can't focus and my mind will just drift and drift~~ ok no long blog posts. need to sleep early and wake up early to study!!!

2010-10-17T00:02:00.004+08:00

yay watched a nice movie today with zhixin (: thanks to kuoching's mum who gave me free tickets. yay feeling super contented and shuang now (:

Love movies man. As in those make you think a lot one. I really don't like those go in laugh laugh come out forget type of movie increasingly now. So waste of time and money and not much meaning. Although by right every movie should have messages that it wants to convey. The best comedy movie that was really though provoking was I love you, Man. nicenice(: feel so satisfied after watching nice movies. though i don't have the luxury to do so ):

anyway about the movie, it's called wind of September 九降风. About this group of guys from 高中, who do all sort of 'paigia' stuff together, and really form deep friendships among them.

Like as a girl, I can never understand what guys' best friends are really like. Cos to them, everyone is like their brother and buddy, and they won't be like girls sit down and talk for hours about 心事 or stuff. Their way of friendships seem to be based on having fun times together. Ok I know I'm making generalization but aiya just let me do it. So many times I wonder how strong will their friendship get? And what is it about sworn brothers lor. Oh my I think I talked about this with joey before haha! But I realized that guys really very 讲义气，他们会为了挺你而作出一大堆事。Like the guys in the movie, they everthing also 兄弟嘛. At first thought they were just saying it for the sake of saying, but after that I realized they really feel for it and keep to their promise. Girls on the other hand are generalized as hypocrites ): Like those American chick lit and bitchy movies. This movie gave me a good view of the world of 兄弟 haha.

At first I was quite proud of myself that I wasn't leaving the cinema with many question marks cos I figured out quite some stuff for myself. Then once again like inception, I was being stupid again >< Obviously the director didn't had just that one or two messages that he wants to convey. Me being silly got happy over nothing ): Went online just now to read a movie review since I was falling asleep reading econs essay, and it brought out more views that I didn't consider before. Partly because that guy studies about movie and he understand the background of the movie more since he comes from that era and cultural background, but then again no excuse of myself ya. Ｂy right I should also know all these mah considering I went for scriptwriting and directing lessons. Sigh I'm really damn shibai man... Though huangcheng really gave me the 青春 that no one ever has a second chance at.

青春就是要疯狂才会精彩。Singapore education system sort of screw up this value man. 我真得很庆幸，我的青春没有留白。I realized it after going for the interview workshops and all during june holidays. Because I really had so much experiences to share because I went through quite some stuff. To me la. Yesterday during zadankai planning I was observing people and realized that I'm getting better at seeing people. Though I don't understand why for someone who has already interacted with quite a number of adults and children and people from all sort of age groups, I am still like that )): Still living in my perfect world bubble. Maybe because soka people are all so pure and innocent like angels as what joey has said before haha. Even kuan and joc wrote in my autograph book that I need to recognise 现实的残酷。Even something as minor as the one I met during huangcheng already impacted me so much that it got me off track.

And after watching the movie, I realized 人类是复杂的东西。人类之间的感情更是如此。Love is probably the hardest and unsolvable thing on Earth. Nobody understand what it is, and it works differently for everyone. Everyone has their own set of values about love, and the extent to which they love and which they are willing to sacrifice. Was listening to 9.33 and heard this song I think it's called 爱的代价 or smth. some 老歌。完美的爱情那么困难，甚至似乎是不可能的，就因为它的复杂性吧。(that's not the lyrics anyway that's my own words lol) 每个人都有他自己的故事，而只有他自己才会最了解。After seeing the relationship between the 2 main characters, I come to realize another sort of love. She loves him so much that even though he is seen as a paigia and she recognises that although she is like very guai, they are still together and have deep feelings towards each other. As much as the guy go outside and 把妹, when he is with her, he will always soften and oh my you see true feelings in his eyes. The two of them are so different and people will wonder how they even get together in the first place. But when cupid strikes you don't have a choice, you just need to have the courage to fight for love.

I like the part when someone asked the girl, 那你为什么还要跟这种人在一起呢？She gave that kind of 无奈的眼神。Probably she's also hoping how she can not fall in love with him and bring herself so much misery. But she has no choice ya, love can't be gotten rid of so easily. 缘在天意份在人为。I love this line which I can't remember where I heard it from. Which is probably why in the end she decided to break up with him despite loving him so much, you could see the pain and 不舍 in her. If the guy just continuously do this kind of things to her and their characters remain so different, 他们完成不了他们的缘份~ 爱并不是一切的一切。那只是一种缘。少了‘份’，爱情又怎能持久下去呢？

Ok la too much sentiments and thoughts, I shall go think more and read more movie reviews! Must really deepen my 深度。Which is the biggest problem currently in my csc >< When I was watching the movie, suddenly had the urge to be a movie critique so that I can watch movies all day long and free some more. But aiya I won't have the 料la. Anyway, is anyone interested to go to Sinema with me!! (: It's a place that shows all the Singapore movies both heard and unheard of. Chanced upon the place accidentally with shermaine 2 years ago (omg time pass so fast!). I reallt think now that 非主流电影 are the best. I want to watch 沙城，all movie reviews rated it very highly. Tell me if you're interested ok (:

When I recieve those email from theatre practice of new shows, I will be damn excited and want to watch. But no one wants to watch during this crucial mugging period >< And come to think of it I shouldn't watch before Alevels la, not that watching will take up time, but more like after watching you will start to think a lot and mess up your efficiency when studying just like how it did to me today>< The movie just kept coming back to my mind!

Wah omg so late I shall sleep now and wake up early to cheong stuff that I was supposed to finish today but failed. Sigh why so much work to do I dont want my 青春败在繁重的学业上。

2010-09-23T23:58:00.002+08:00

Wah so many thoughts now.

It shows something hur. When you spend so much time and effort on mugging, you tend to miss out a lot about life. Amybe besides stuff that concerns more on studies and maybe friends. But now that prelims are over like phew finally, I have the time to properly talk to people and read blogs yay! And to think about stuff. If only I can add in books on my to-do list. But I know I will just take forever to finish them and I need to mug. Everyone tells me that I need to rest before I start mugging again if not I will die. Although I know it's true, I just can't make myself do that because it would be time wasted. Sigh really need to change my thinking but it's already deep rooted ><

Really get to learn a lot more about my family from my grandfather's wake. You see a different side of everyone in times of that. And sigh I'm still worried about my mum. Some issues are just too sensitive. Alamak shit la I should just write in my diary there's so much thoughts about it but I can't say it here >< stupid fb I should have known better and spend my time on quality stuff like reading blogs and writing my diary. Ok no more fb after tmr!! Oh no wait I havent finish uploading all my photos ):

Ok basically a lot of my thoughs now cannot be written here. stupid. nevermind let's find stuff that i can write here!!

I'm really like ultra glad that I'm in hwachong. not cos it's like one of the best JCs in Singapore or what. I don't like being an elitist >< The environment here is really good and I guess that's even more important than grades and stuff. I've made many wonderful friends here and I've grown a lot. Especially people from huangcheng. I don't know why, but maybe artsy people think more and stuff and you really get to see a lot more from them too. huangcheng and friends have allowed me to learn a lot of things. I really think I'm not a science person. Sometimes I read that people can just slow down their pace to do something that they like. Like just hanging out at a 咖啡馆for the whole aftnn, just drinking coffee, or hot chocolate in my case, while reading a book or talking to people. so 写意 so nice~~

I think it's really the environment that you are in too. Singapore just doesn't allow you to do that. The only people that does it are the really artsy people and the angmohs. Like from young I always think that travelling means going to see a lot of attractions. So when I saw this angmoh at sentosa just sitting below a tree reading a book, I was wondering why can't she just stay at home to read. Why waste the time to specially go down to sentosa to read a book. But as you grow up you start to understand more and it's just a way of life that people will want to have.

I hate it when I go overseas with those 旅行团 and they make you rush from one place to another and go shopping to buy stuff so they can earn comission. Like before you finish reading smth, you have to rush off to see another thing so that you can 'finish visiting' the site in the shortest time possible. I like museums and just walking slowly and reading everything that caught my eyes. But the rest of the group will be like cheonging to finish, if not boring and don't bother to read at all. Which is why I always end up lagging behind when visiting sites.

I read ruien's interview on iweekly (if I didn't remember wrongly) that 旅行很注重节奏。要找一个能和你有同样节奏的人很不容易。So sometimes she will just ask her friends to give her some time by herself where she is not restricted and can do whatever that she wants to. It's all very romantic isn't it? The ideal lifestyle which is almost impossible to achieve in Singapore.

And I might be going taiwan again end of the year!!! woohoo! cos today my uncle's family was saying that they are going to bring my ahma to taiwan and my aunt is going too. Then they ask if I want to go too. And duh it's taiwan I want to go again although I already went there. I think it's like a super romantic place. As in not in that love love romantic sense, but the way of life and the places that they have. Then they told me they travel very slowly one. Like going out in the morning, then going back hotel to sleep in aftnn, then going out again at night. Ok I think that's too slow la. Like aftnn I wouldn't want to sleep. I will want to hangout at a bookstore or sipping hot chocolate and getting sucked into the world of a book. I miss the feelings when I really get sucked into a story and you can't get out. The last time probably is when I was reading twilight. Which was 2 years ago?? Fiction is interesting, and philosophical books make you think more (:

I was telling zhixin that day that I miss how it was when I was young. I always carried a book everywhere with me and I will take it out to read whenever I have even a little time. So I will be bringing a book everywhere even if it's just going for dinner. It's interesting how my whole family will read our own stuff while waiting for the zhica food everytime. Though will miss out on family interaction la. So far I haven't seen any family like that. But now it's always carrying notes in my bag and taking it out to read whenever I have the time. Damn sian you know.

Was talking to this relative of mine that i've never seen before at the wake. She teaches at ACS international and she said that the environemnt there is really slow and it's actually better for most to excel better in. You don't feel so stressed and tied down all the time and you really enjoy school and studying more. Which is why these people will choose to leave spore's mainstream education system. I think it's so ironic. I'm so wanting for such a relaxed life. But I'm pushing myself super hard and giving myself a lot of stress. Sigh reality VS ideal.

And I think the whole thing about my grandfather's passing really made me learn a lot. Like today went to the cemetry to take a look and choose the 坟碑。And surprisingly, during my first visit to the cemetry, I wasn't like scared like how I thought I would be. I wasn't scared at all (maybe cos I have my family around me and it's in the day). It was really an eyeopener today. Learnt a lot about traditions and the knowledge behind something that look so simple like a piece of stone slab that you put on top of the burial ground. Oh anyway burial still exists in Singapore because apparently many people didn't know about it. There's a lot of things to confirm about how it will look like. And when we have decided everything, we know that ahgong's one will be very beautiful. And it will be very special because it will have the word 爱 carved at the back which no one has before. only 福 and 寿。

ahgong you can really be very 放心。you have 3 such filial children who do not hesitate in putting so much effort to give you the best and only the best.

wah my blog posts are always so random. I've guess I've grown up more these 2 years both in jc and from outside stuff too. And I'm really glad for that. But I guess next year I will find myself laughing at the previous year heeai yet again ><

anyway, thank you zhixin for staying with me the whole night to shouye!! <3 I'm really grateful and touched ya. Thanks for always being there for me (: you rock bff!! (p.s we should really get our families to know each other. that would be damn cool. then we can be like family friends! since my parents and even my aunt know you liao, and i sort of know your whole family too!)

and thanks yuensin for wed too! Thanks for all the htht, and a lot of tips and advice in shopping that makes me addicted and want to shop for a lot of things now>< but sigh I'm not born rich ya. we go shop together again ok! And we can wear together the shirts that we bought(:

ok shall sleep now. I have an ambitious plan tmr. Morn shall go jog then study a little before going for class outing then go bugis to purchase the hair treatment thing then syc for asd daimokukai. and I'm sleeping so late. don't know if tmr can actually drag myself down to run or not. I realized I'm getting more and more tired easily, have much greater difficulty to wake up now><

2010-08-21T21:58:00.002+08:00

Heard wonderful things that boonhwee shared just now over that long phone call. He's a really good and sincere soka leader! I shall sort out my thoughts while sharing it with everyone (:

He talked about how I should really find the rhythm in life in terms of how I do things and how i carry out my life. Like find the best way to balance study rest chanting and so on. The world has a rhythm that we need to follow. Like the growth cycle of plants. Like how humans need a certain amount of rest no matter what. So instead of trying to break this rhythm by forcing ourselves to study a lot, we should go with the rhythm and accepting that we need rest and give ourselves that. When when are in rhythm with the universe, we will be able to find more strength and realize that we can do things better. Like you will meet the right people who can give you the help you need or encourage you. You will have the wisdom to do the right things that will make you achieve the most things in the same amount of time. Basically things will be carried out more efficiently as if we have more energy.

And I immediately thought of physics! (shows that I'm really mugging hard><) how resonance works. Actually I thought of csc first. cos liangyong keeps saying about the 自然规律 like how everyone has different abilities which is one of the root cause of income disparity cos different abilities will lead to different amount/kind of job that you can carry out. 规律 is just something that we are unable to mess with, and so we have to recognise and accept it.

Then the physics link is that when the rhythm of your life(how you lead your life) is together with the rhythm of the universe, you will be able to achieve more. Which is how resonance works cos when 2 objects with the same frequencies are being put together, they will enforce on each other and combine their amplitude!(superposition)eh no i just realized I'm confused between resonance and superposition omg. As in when you have the same resonant frequency, The amplitude is infinity. Like the graph. Argh die I havent memorize the explanation of resonance yet. Ok I shall dig my revision booklet out and type here so can shun bian revise :D

Resonance occurs when the frequency matches the natural frequency of the driving system, where there is efficient transference of energy to system, max amplitude is achieved. Erm this is not the official definition btw.

So basically by achieveing the same rhythm as the universe, we can gain much bigger energy by putting in the same amount of work. 事半功倍。

Next one! He shared that we shouldn't give ourselves so much stress. Cos let's say if we really dont do well for prelims, we can strive to do well for A levels. And if we eventually don't do well for A levels, it's not the end of the world. He still made it into some top management of some private bank although he didn't get into the university he wants. No matter where we go, we must still achieve the best that we can. Links to economics' productive efficiency! Which is something that I only got to understand yesterday when I had consult with mrtan! I asked him why a firm can still achieve productive efficiency even when it's not producing at the lowest point of LRAC, but at any point along the LRAC. He said it's because a firm can only choose to set either quantity or price, so if the firm finds the maximizing profit quantity, he will just have to find the lowest possible cost of producing AT THAT QUANTITY. It might not be the lowest possible to produce that good, but it is the lowest cost FOR THAT QUANTITY, and so can maximize our profits. So we might not end up at the best possible case that we want, but we will just have to work with it and achieve the best at that point.

Ok hopefully my words at least make sense to people if not my GP really gg liao><

Oh and food for thought! When we are young, we will always ask our parents what time they coming home, when they can spend time together with us. But when we start to grow up, we realize that it's always our parents that will ask us when we are coming home and if we are having dinner together or not...

There's not really a thing called 'stagnant'. Because the world, environment, people are changing around us everyday, if we do not do anything, we won't become stagnant, we will just deprove. So what we can do is the dedicated effort that we put in every single day to move forward steadily, and give our all each day.

The more problems and hardships that we have, the more we can develop and grow. Such problems are actually training platforms that will allow us to grow. If life is smooth sailing, we will naturally become more relaxed and not wanting to push ourselves forward. Developing and growing is a difficult thing to do, and it needs constant discipline and determination. 天下没有免费的午餐。There's no free lunch in this world. If we want to achieve more in our lives, we definitely have to work hard for it. Which is why I'm always busy involving myself with a lot of things because I think it allows me to grow, especially for someone slow like me. Though must really strike balance and don't put too much on your plate. Actually I don't know if I'm really putting too much or it's really a challenge to allow me to grow. Or both.

I was talking with joc and weiming yesterday. And we said that huangcheng is very stress and busy, but we are happy about huangcheng. As in generally if we see higher from a bigger picture. Mugging now is actually rather carefree(to me) but we aren't very happy about it ya. Today suddenly and finally start to realize a little of why people think that studying is so much better than working. Cos school life is relatively more relaxed because you can like still have fun with friends or go play sports or something and there isn't much responsibilites. It's a sheltered mini society. But in the working world, it's irritating because you have to do a lot of things that you cannot afford to screw up. Actually I don't know how to say la, it's just the feeling lor, when you imagine yourself working, instead of the student you are now in school. Which is why it's really important to find a job that you enjoy if not things will be much worse.

I think that when I compare myself with my dad, I'm more busy with him, but he is more stressed in a sense that he has a lot of responsibilites that he has to fulfil. If you don't fulfil responsibilities in school, at most you get demerit points? Expelled? But if you don't carry out your responsibilites in the real world, there's your family at stake. Like how he has to pay for his house and car instalments etc, if not we will not have a shelter to be under. There's no way he can escape from it, because if he really doesn't pay this month, the interest will just add on and it will only drop as a bigger bomb in the future. So real world has no room for mistakes and 'Oops sorry I'm sorry I won't do it again'.

Ok la I need to do lunwen. Basically didn't do much concrete studying today, but achieve quite a lot of intangible stuff like all these thoughts when I talk to people, and going for soka activities as usual. And reading newspaper. Sigh I really hope the articles and the good points I read will go inside my mind even if I read it only once. But I cannot complain. Cos boonhwee mentioned just now, to want to encourage others, I myself need to be in a high lifestate too. How can you possibly encourage others, when ultimately you are stil complaining about things. It would be so contradicting and no one can believe what you are saying. And this is the period where everyone is stressed and I want to be able to encourage myself and encourage others at the same time! If not it's really saddening to see everyone so unhappy cos of mugging.

jiayou heeai! Stop complaining and really find your momentum and rhythm to encourage others too! (: jiayou people! (:

2010-08-11T23:08:00.002+08:00

I know now isn't the time to be here. But I want to say that I really hope our soka yog item will turn out to be a success despite today's super disappointing rehearsal. And that we will make it a perfect performance despite not having any perfect runs before. Come on people, start chanting hard for the success of this item. I guess we have all been too complacent, forgetting that everything needs hard work and effort to be put in before succeeding. If victories can be won easily, how sweet can it be? Shall challenge myself to chant more and put in more effort in small ways that I can for yog. All of us have put in so much time and effort for this, we cannot fail. I'm even persuaded by myself to put yog over studies for the time being, or at least putting them side by side. After all, yog is in 3 days, while prelims is in 3weeks. Or 2weeks for physics (oh man><).

And of course, not just our item, the whole yog must be a success!!

HOpefully we can bond together more, and this will be reflected in our performances. Enjoy the performance people! (:

And thanks for the early birthday celebration delta 1 (: It's rather unexpected, and it's really quite hard for me to get an unexpected birthday surprise ya haha. So thanks people and the wishes along the way! (: My birthday wish shall be for yog to be a success and all of us to do well in our prelims and A levels. Thank you.

P.S haha it feels nice to blog although I have a physics test tmr that I only know of today and have yet to study even half of it.

2010-07-08T08:01:00.002+08:00

Written this on tue the day before physics paper. Because was studying and really couldn't get in anymore. But when I finished writing there was no more wireless network so I couldn't upload! I think the school shut down its wireless network or something once they pass a certain time, thinking that no one would be using. Haha only people like me stay in school so late then will use!

Another post from me! Outside huisuo while I'm studying for physics. But then got too distracted by my own thoughts and too bored by the questions especially when you don't know how to do so many.

http://sg.yfittopostblog.com/2010/07/05/are-students-over-burdened-with-schoolwork/

Go and read this. It's about education system in Singapore, how students have so much homework even during holidays. It will let you see the different perspectives of Singaporeans. Mostly being negative.

And after reading, I once again realized that I've been living in my own well. Like what I said, JC is too protected in some sense.. It's not allowing you to mature as fast as those that are going to poly. My personal opinion la. Because in JC, you are doing the same thing that you have been doing for your past 10years, in a mini-world that is rather sheltered from the world. Especially if you spent most of your time in school and at home. Which is why I'm really glad that I have soka and txy and stuff like that that are not related to studies. If not I think life is rather meaningless if it's always studies for 2 years. I mean of course there's playing and going out with friends and stuff. But how meaningful can that get? As in not that going out is not good la, it helps you relax and have fun! Like what I'm going to do after blocks!

Wah suddenly feel like rebelling and not studying my physics. I think I've really reached this saturation point of mugging, especially when I stopped for 3 days after weeks of intensive mugging! It's true, it's been taking away time with my family. Sigh I need to go rethink about all these, how to make sure I don't let my parents worry so much about me. And rethink the importance of studying and how much emphasis and time I should put on that. Everything boils down to the BALANCING between different things again.

For the 1month holidays, basically I'm out of home like almost all the time. Only home to sleep. No wonder my mum goes to such great efforts to cook despite being very rush for her so that she can 'attract' and give me a reason to go home earlier to eat and rest. Hmm maybe I should really stop going home so late. Go home for dinner, then if need to be, go downstairs study corner to carry on. At least my parents will see me at home and not complain that I'm always not at home. Hmm must go think more of my parents. My mum was telling me today when I can be more matured and not let my parents worry about many small things. Like my dad has been telling me forever to clear all the stuff on the table because there is no more space for other stuff besides my mugging materials and sometimes my brother's. Sigh must go reflect...

Wait I want talk about education system! To me, mugging during hols to prepare for the tests is normal and something that we should do. And everyone thinks the same way and is doing it too. Holidays is the time to catch up with work and do whatever about your studies that you have no chance to do during school terms. But if you jump out and look at the bigger picture, you will see that holidays really shouldn't be this way. (Ok la maybe it's just me that never really go jump out and see><) yuensin was also saying that day, nowadays if you want to catch up with friends, you will be saying 'want go mug together?' instead of 'want go walk walk together?' Actually I'm only speaking for myself, I don't know how true all these are for others so I shall not make sweeping statements!

That's why during sec 4 end of year holidays where it finally felt more like a real holiday, we can have so much fun! Like catching up with 6.6! Though come to think of it, I sort of wasted it. Because if I asked myself what I really achieved or done during this period of time, the only thing I can think of now is that 6.6 got closer again haha! But nothing much liao. And actually that was the last holiday that we can get as a student, because after a levels it will be working! Ok la actually got a little of holidays la, can don't work immediately mah. I want go overseas and travel travel!! Who wants sponsor me!

Oh man being a mugger is not good ): The only good thing is you will probably get better results. And it stops there. The bad things: you lose out a lot of time with yourself, friends, family; you affect your health; your life become meaningless... But I can't stop myself from mugging once I start >< Because I will be too worried of not doing well and stuff. Someone please talk to me about this!! The next time you see me mugging and refuse to stop and rest, persuade me out of it ya.

Oh I know one reason why I so mug already. Because I have more commitments than the average person and so have less time for studying. So once I have the time to study, I will grab it and make up for the lost time that I have.

I wonder what it's like if you have commitments just for the sake of having it. Like to gain CIP hours or CCA points and build up your portfolio. Because I do not believe in all these, though recently I find myself thinking more about it and feel really guilty for going against my own values... I'm really fortunate that I enjoy my commitments, though I admit it sometimes feel like a burden because of the time factor. I do not go for CCA for the points. I do it because I have the passion for it! (ahem at least in jc la) like huangcheng!!<3 although I definitely have my downs where I will be doubting of why I make myself so tired and all for huangcheng, even while I'm doubting, I know that after everything, it will be worthwhile and I won't regret doing so much for huangcheng! huangcheng is the love! Passion and dreams really make you push forward.

And there's yog. Many might think it's really tough and that I'm crazy that I go voluntarily participate in this when the big As are coming. But I think once again it's worthwhile. Although trainings now are still rather ahem dry(though really la you can't expect much from doing the same thing over and over again for months), but it's the moments in between that you won't regret. And of course the memories. How you make new friends that will affect you one way or another in your life. How you get to try things that people do not get the chance to! How you struggle to come down for trainings. Like how I really struggled to go down for the training the day before math and physics blocks, and to realize youjun the pro didn't even go lol... All these that will make you grow and make you to be who you are!

Ok la txy I know I was sian a while. Like during the camp 1st week of this hols, I felt that it was a very big burden and true COMMITMENT to spend 3 whole days there while other people are using this time to mug and stuff. Plus I couldn't really talk to the people there. But somehow suddenly, I realized that my passion for all the writing stuff and the media allowed me to get back on track again. How I really enjoy interviewing people and listening to other people's stories. It all boils down to passion and dreams isn't it?

I guess it's important to find your passion and dreams. Actually I think I can stop answering 'I don't know' when people ask me what I want study next time. I more or less confirmed mass comm that area. Just haven't decide if I should go overseas, provided I have scholarship la. My mum dao3 du2 the book 'The last lecture'. It talks about childhood dreams and such. How it's important to have dreams. My mum's dream is to study even at her age and be a teacher in a school. The first dream she is fulfilling now and I think she's currently very happy now although it's definitely more busy for her. She says although she don't know if all these is going to come to use or not, she just love the search of knowledge! Thirst for knowledge! Sigh I wonder how many people of our generation will think this way...

So I decided to find dreams for myself! My previous dream was huangcheng and it's over. Though there's seriously a lot of yi2 han4... I fulfilled my dream but not very much in the way I wanted to. But I guess I had a chance in trying it! Randy Pausch (the guy who wrote the last lecture) said, if you don't achieve something, then what you will get out of it is experience. (not quoted word by word cos i can't remember) I went back and to think of all the stuff that I wanted to do but have not. and I have a dream for myself!

I've always liked performing on stage. Though now after JC, there really isn't much chance anymore. My only platform that I can see now is soka, though there probably isnt going to be any SYM kind of thing anytime soon. So I shall dream that one day I will be able to perform on stage, no matter dance sing act or whatever! And I shall work hard to achieve this dream, as much as it looks kind of impossible or difficult now. I bet the SYM casts never imagined that one day they will be able to perform for so many people in so many shows even when they are out working in society and have no experience in this area.

So yeah, dreams and passion shall keep me going! So people out there, go find your dreams and passion!

Wah I sound like a motivational speaker lol! This post is so random haha I wanted to complain about education system here and I end up with such an inspirational ending woohoo! Ok la I shall get back down to earth and quickly finish doing my physics before going to meet liangyue for dinner! Thanks blogging! (:

2010-07-04T23:34:00.003+08:00

Wah i suck i actually came here instead of practising piano. Despite saying that I want to practise piano since fri, I still havent. Ok tomorrow I MUST PRACTISE PIANO! Blogging is like my top on the list thing that I can't resist. Even facebook I can, although I'm on it now. I like reading photo comments. Haha that's probably what I do most on facebook!

Ok la I came here because I read some blogs randomly and knowing heeai, she can't resist blogging after seeing how much others blog and is envious of them >< Blogging so good can, can record down your thoughts and is a source of motivation for yourself and hopefully others. My 17 year old life is missing from my blog and heeai's archive history ): I must be determined to allocate time to blog! Like how I'm trying to allocate time to read newspaper for csc and gp. But all these are easily said now because I'm currently so relaxed even though I still have one more physics paper to go and I havent studied since fri.

Really overmugging is bad la now I can't make myself to go back to it since I already get a taste of the kind of life I prefer. Like reading the last lecture and watching the video just now. And uploading huangcheng photos on facebook and thinking of those wonderful memories that are so important to all of us! I finally used rapidsms after so long to send everyone sms! Feels so good man! and yishun just commented on facebook that I actually dare to do this kind of thing! why not?! Oh man am I getting pan4 ni4? Or just that I'm more courageous! From all those staying in school until 11plus pm alone. Last time my heart would be beating like damn fast now it's relatively normal. Must be too stressed to even be scared already. Like that time yuensin stayed with me she was so scared need me accompany her to toilet. I feel like a courageous hero to her rescue!! :D

Omg I just stalked someone/a few ppl on fb! Come on I bet you do too right. And I found out stuff hehe!!^^ Shall go tease and share it with others!!(: But then again fb makes you think about your ownself. Ok la blog is too public I shall not say. I shall turn to my trsutworthy diary! I suddenly love diary again. I yesterday xinxuelaichao suddenly wrote another post for 1 hour and in the end no more energy left to chant oops >< And the same thing is going to happen tonight if I don't shut down the computer soon enough. I hope I still have time for all these when it gets busier again in school.

Oh man a lot of stuff I want to say but can't say here precisely because it's too open, even though it's really dead. Which is why diary and friends are the best to turn to (: argh i feel like writing my diary now but I will spend at least 1 hour. And I really should start mugging tmr liao!! Haha this is a random post, especially when you are looking at other webpages that will spark off random thoughts while you are blogging!

Ok I really should go sleep before I start spouting nonsense or random stuff here again!

2010-06-30T17:30:00.000+08:00

I'M BACK ON BLOGGER!!! WOOHOO!!!
and it's still blocks now haha><

I decided to give myself a WELL DESERVED rest considering how mug I am for the past few weeks. non-stop sia. Just finished csc test which was screwed, then went back to reading room trying to do math. Then I just stared at 2 questions that I didn't know how to do for 1 hour. MATH leh. my favourite and I have no motivation for it ): Must be too burnt out liao. Studying whole day for weeks requires so much determination can. And I did it! :D Which I don't know is a bad thing or not. Over-mugged.

Then i sms zhixin ask if i should give myself a break. haha paiseh I'm abnormal still must ask people if I should give myself a break instead of just rushing to the com/tv/whatever like normal people. sigh i feel so abnormal can. That time went joochiat to write zigengdi, then they were asking me if you think from a teenagers point of view will you want to read about new stuff or the tradition stuff. Then I answered tradition and everyone jaws drop stare at me. Then I start to realize I very different from the normal teen some times. Though currently I forget how already.

YAYAYAY blogging rocks I miss blogging!! Since it's my rare appearance on my own blog, I shall not start ranting like before! (:

What happened after my last post here? HUANGCHENG!:D Many thoughts but I probably won't blog out today cos it requries much thinking and I don't want to start emoing while doing math later. It's really weird how it pass by so fast and how life move on so quickly without huangcheng. How I'm used to walking past paixi didian seeing benches and not huangchengren. How I haven't been talking to some people whom I've used to see almost everyday. It's scary how the memories are fading away at such a fast speed. I need the videos rachel!!! Shall go ask from her hehe!^^ Our food cheer! And sadly regretfully, I have few months of memories and happenings and thoughts missing from my blog. Wah sian la I don't really trust my own brain to remember everything ya. Oh man I so bad to my own brain, sorry brain! Maybe you selectively choose the stuff you want to remember la! And I'm going to drag jocelyn and we shall talk about huangcheng and relieve the memories! :D That day when we happen to see each other at reading room we were like: I got so much stuff I want to tell you! But no time need to mug... Sad life of A level student.

Talking about A levels, I plan to not go to university so soon but work and do interns and stuff for 1 year. My friends mostly are like wah you are wasting one year, but I also not very sure what I want to do. Plus it's good to gain experience. Jiatian told me before she is more matured after working as air stewardess and personal trainer before going back to school to study. And huiping is like quitting her job to go study again. Like everywhere I go, I see adults telling me, sigh I miss studying. Eh wait no link to my topic sentence! No wonder I don't do well for GP la ): I like to work, can see and learn more stuff!

Speaking of which(I have good links in between points!^^), discovery vacation camp! It's this science camp for children where I went and be a leader to help out in the experiments. At first when yenchuan asked I thought it was a cip camp. Then went there realized it's a part time job lol! Not much difference to me besides the fact that you will earn money without even planning too! (: It's really fun to interact with the kids. I haven't been interacting with a bunch of p1 kids for very long. although my piano there also have but it's not a BUNCH that will go crazy and wild together.

It made me recall of the times when I had as a p1. Like queue up 2 by 2! Hold hands! When I ask them to partner, they will just automatically hold hands regardless boy or girl! So cute can! Then when there's this guy who got not partner, I told him I'll partner him then. Then to my surprise he suddenly hold my hand xia si ren la! Then on the 4th day, a few of them started to crowd around me and say 'Jiejie I want hold your hand!' Wah so popular sia!:p But yenchuan and wanngee more popular can, wanngee got this girl who threaten to injure herself(like use ruler cut wrist) when wanngee is bad to her! So scary can! Then yenchuan have 5 girls always chasing around him and climbing clinging on him like a horse haha! And it's quite cool how we always share our stories with our class at the end of the day!

We all agreed that kids nowadays are so not innocent and pure like us anymore. The stuff that they do or say really shocked me can! Like how there's this group of girls playing this game which we old people call heart attack, but the new generation calls it preganant woman!! Faints.

Then the songs that they listen to especially the girls are like so modern can. Like taylor swift and english songs that I've never heard of. But they say they learn some from alvin and the chipmunks. But there's the word bitch in the song and me and teacher nancy totally shock can! And when I ask them they say they understand the lyrics. Which means they have a wide vocab at p1 as compared to us. At p1 I was probably still seeing children songs. Thus, the impact of globalization and modernization. I feel old can.

And omg you should see their dance performance. They twist and shake like those people in the mvs trying to be sexy. still got body wave and the hand sliding down the hair and down the neck. Ok la actually it was just this only 1 girl but she taught the rest to do it. So scary can!

So I ended up guessing how each of them will grow up to be. Ok la shall not mention the words here since it's really quite bad. yenchuan say my class people why all grow up to be so extreme one! But too bad I didn't have any contact of them or class photo!! ): I really wonder how they will grow up into. And they are all from the super rich families. One girl came and ask teacher nancy: how come you wear the same as yesterday! Then nancy was surprised because she got wear different clothes. THen the girl say her shoe was the same as yesterday. Then I ask her if she wear different shoe everyday she said yes. So to them, wearing the same shoe everyday it's like abnormal. Oh man looks like I'm not the only abnormal one here:p

Wah sorry my english here is really bad. not same shoe it's same pair of shoes. Haha don't mind me la. Later joey start correcting my english like how she corrected some auntie. and zhixin also has such good english and chimchim words on her blog. ELit sia.

And there's yog!! It's getting less boring now when you start to make more friends. How charlotte will always go knock me with her carp and say hi. Then we will always get scolded by our trainers haha. It's wonderful knowing all sorts of people. If not being in an elite school for 6 years, you will most probably only see a certain group of people from society everyday. Which I bet the little girl is, from the reaction she got from the same pair of shoe thing. And I made my first Indian friend hasisha!! zhixin's sec4 classmate. She's super nice and friendly and she always want to learn chinese! And she can remember! So I ask her to teach us tamil and it was so funny haha. I bet the other people on the bus was staring at us lol.
Money yena? : What time is it?

wah die that's the only i can remember I forgot what's your name. And soon we are going to go to marina bay! AWW it's like ndp times. It's like 2-9.30pm every saturday. Good luck man we A level students. Being a mugger at heart, I'm probably going to bring my notes in and study somehow. If not I can discuss with zhixin about csc/cse. Intellectual people sia. But seriously a little worried la. But I'm going to challenge myself all the way because I know it's going to be worth it!(: Once in a lifetime leh! Come on people I bet you must be jealous! And someone told me before, it's like the lesser time you have, the more you will treasure it and work hard with the limited time you have. Which applies to me. Once I have slightly more time I'm not so determined and won't push myself so much anymore.

Ok I should probably go and do math now. I've spent enough time here, taking a rest like finally!

JIAYOU EVERYONE WITH WHATEVER TESTS THAT YOU WILL BE HAVING!!:D Though I guess no one will see this on time considering that my blog has been so dead for months. ok then JIAYOU EVERYONE WITH A LEVELS!!

2010-03-07T22:38:00.002+08:00

I know this isn't the time for me to blog now since I'm really so short of time, but well I really need to let go of steam. I guess that's partly cos why I'm stressing so much. Too much stuff but don't know who and how and when to tell people, and end up keeping it to myself, and dying from the stress...

Ok I don't know if I've faced this much stress before, but I guess I really can't handle stress. Actually I think I'm super childish, especially after what happened today. Breaking down 3 times and throwing tandrum like a little kid. I guess I'm better now, though it's just temporary, after talking to joey (:

UNDERSTAND. I wonder what it's like to be understanding and all. I guess if you are not that person, you can never understand what he or she is going through.

I hate all these authority stuff. Why do I have so much power? I guess I'm not suited to be a leader. I'm more of a normal person who is satisfied by doing little things that she enjoys and don't really care about achievements besides getting the bonus of being shuang over it. Actually huangcheng allows me to know more about myself and my limits, which is like super low. The more I'm into huangcheng, the more I realize that media and mass comm might not be suited for me. Unless it's other parts of media that I've not come across before. But in terms of grasp of language and my character, im really not suited la. I'm thinking of settling for doing service people and stuff. tertiary sector. aiya I can't rmb that word, something about tourism. oh ya hospitality!! Anyway I think I enjoy doing these too, it allows me to come across more people and learn more see more of the world. Seriously my serious lack of 'pollution' in my character is bringing me much more negative effects than I think. My dad recently told me that it's not good being so pure. There's so much out there in the world that is evil and stuff that i can't even imagine to happen now. Sigh if only I can live in my own world.

Aiya every single day, stress is adding on. Whenever we overcome one problem and think that finally, we can maybe not cheong so much anymore, more problems start to arise. I know it's normal la, but I'm too weak to handle it. Then just now I read through the preparations of SYM, and realized that there's much major changes after I left. They shortened the whole show to like about 1.5hours I think. Can you imagine what the bianju and director and actors have to go through? Bianju have to cheong juben like siao, and SYM involves much more people and decides whether if people will be touched by this and go learn more about Sensei and strengthen their faith. Then daoyan have to quickly analyze the new juben and think of how to dao3 the actors. and the actors have their roles cancelled or changed due to the shortening of the script. Actually I'm quite lucky that I quit early in a sense, cos I think my character got scraped since it's so insignificant, so I didnt waste as much time. Though it's really useful to see how the daoyan paixi. In fact I want to go and see how the daoyan dao3 them. I really need the experience. But the show's next week, so I will be able to observe then.

And today after going for the talk I realize that huangcheng is not as good as I think. So what if it's so professional? It limits our creativity because of the fact that we cant take risk because we cannot afford to let huangcheng fail due to its high reputation. And because of this it gives us much more pressure than it should. It dullens our passion because all these have become much of a chore and burden that what we really want to do. The expectations are so high and there are just too many stakes. Even at this screwed stage, joc says that our ju wont fail because we cant afford to fail and nobody will let it fail, but just that how much we are going to succeed the way we want.

Sigh I've spent too much time tonight talking and blogging. I'm quite sian of all the comments that I've recieved already. There are like pages and pages of it. It's too much for me to take in, esp for someone who has such a simple brain like me.

And I think all these happened also cos I've not been chanting enough. It's a vicious cycle actually. Cos i'm busy with huangcheng, i dont have enough time/energy to chant, and so i'm in a super low lifestate, and it will only make things worse at huangcheng when i cant handle stress. Oh and I seriously need to learn how to concentrate and increase my productivity. I need to go for that kind of workshops. It's much more yanzhong than I or anyone else can imagine. Especially this morning, fa daing at this para for like 5-10mins.

And I really should sleep soon if not I will oversleep again. SIGH. need leave house early too to go terraces for assembly. SIGH. Anyway thanks sister for being there! :D and zhixin for updating me on yog though I still didnt mangage to talk to you for super long... Hmm I guess I will go for training on the march hols week when we are supposed so study. I think I will really want to forgo my studies, what's the point if I spend half half energy on two things and not doing well for both, might as well concentrate on 1, and going full force for studies after huangcheng. Though all people wouldnt agree with me, and im shocked at the change I have considering how mugger I was in sec 4.

ok im tired. both physically and mentally. time to sleep.

2010-01-21T21:37:00.003+08:00

I know I shouldn't be here, but irrationality overpowered me like how it usually does nowadays...

Just finished watching huangcheng 2009 dvd! (erm except the byebye to VT part, will watch another time) And it was excellent!!! When I watched xiemu I was already tearing. Then I wanted to go high and sing and jump together since no one was at home and I only switched on one small light for the darker atmosphere, BUT my dad came home at that time!! -.- So I did sing and jump but super softly ):

Then there was this video that I never knew it existed. All the photos and videos that they took during the huangcheng preparation and at VT. Super random videos that made me laugh suddenly at the screen and my dad asked me what happened. i'm going to rewatch it again and again, probably before bumping in VT this year. Haha good things cant be watched too many times, if not will lose the feel already!

Then while I was watching the xiemu, I imagined how our batch and our juniors will be up there, and our chouwei2010 will be the ones going to receive presents from junior. And how our names will be read out and people will cheer!! And how we will choose actions to do! And how our videos will be like! Ok la in fact everything I seen but with our batch and juniors faces.

Wah I guess yesterday and today are probably the right choice to watch the video! Especially after the meeting today to discuss about our yanyuan's auditions! Then we felt like there was more action and finally huangcheng 2010 is going start kicking into action very soon!! Oh man jinzhang! Like 2 weeks plus later our yanyuan going to confirm liao! Then will start 排戏。More stress and screwing up of studies definitely, but I hope, or rather we definitely will enjoy the process and never regret! I can't wait for the times we have fun and stress together already!! How everyone is like together as one. And how I'm proud to show to the juniors and our audiences how bonded and wonderful huangcheng is!! Oh man I'm so excited I sound bimbotic haha. Erm apparently we got a lecturer who is rather bimbo according to people from my class haha! Ok no link. I'm just being excited and random!!! WHEE!!

Watched 影我的爷爷爱吃barchormee yesterday. And 轮回today. Wanted to watch because somehow miraculously, I'm rather relax and free these few days, at least I get to go home when the sky is still bright. But seriously I'm super unsed to it and I'm like wasting my time in the afternoon, brain cannot concentrate and efficiency drop like siao. Now I realize that I'm really used to busy and hectic life and I enjoy it! (: I mean of course I want a few days like these to rest and slow down my pace and do things that I like (erm i shall practise piano finally tomorrow!!), but I don't want it to last too long! Very sian and meaningless to me. Ah I can't wait for huangcheng to start, and that time will freeze there so I get to prepare for huangcheng forever. And be part of huangcheng always! Though I heard the saying from dont know where: Once a 黄城人，always a 黄城人。AWHHH. I suddenly had the thought of going to watch all 3shows of huangcheng, as in on the 2days. But unless I 中toto 4D or something, I guess I need to find ways to finance my tickets...

Ok I went big round before saying that I watched the dvd also because I want to observe how the shows are done in terms of wumei and directing, so that I can get inspire for our shows! Actually as much as the amount of complaints that 轮回got, I thought it was done pretty well! Especially the stage designs and ideas! It's a breakthrough to me, the way they use the 景片 instead of the normal 平台。Ok I hope our show can also have the breakthrough with the special AHEM!! Please go watch huangcheng if you want to know what that special AHEM is!! :D Wah I should create more suspense haha!! Oh and I'm happy I've publicized huangcheng quite a lot and a number of people already 口头上答应要去看黄城！Yay I'm going to let the 票务组 love me again! Let me target to break the record that some senior had of selling ____(forget how many) tickets! Ok ambitious but must try la! Oh and zhixin remind me to pass you the huangcheng dvd that you said that time you wanted to watch!

The first scene of 轮回 is cooler than I thought! Although when I first watched from the audience POV on drama camp, it seemed normal because I've seen it so many times. But just now while watching and really thinking about it, I think it's really cool and not something that the previous batches had done before! And the mengpo dry ice effect also super cool! And I realized the way I walk as 鬼鬼 totally not real. Ok I guess it's really important to video down let yanyuan watch themselves. And the computer game animation in otaku scene!

And the lights for 影is better than I thought. I think the 灯光组 quite imba. I never knew they had that effect during xiemu!! Barchormee was very sweet and 温馨, the yanyuans brought out their character not bad, can feel the yeye and nainai and sunzi character. Ok la these are just very shallow stuff, I must go think deeper and see how it can help our ju!

I dont dare imagine our current juben on stage, especially when the lights and props are still very basic and normal yet. Very scary leh, how we are going to make so much improvements in such a short time! >< We must jiayou!!!

I'm currently quite proud of myself!! Because I'm on pile with work and I read the phy lecture notes before the lecture so I can understand SOOO much better!! I guess it really helps reading lecture notes beforehand. Im going to be on pile so that when huagncheng comes in and start screwing my studies, at least I don't have to worry that much about my january work!

Oh and on a random sidenote, guys are super se4 ok! At least those in my class. Wah just now after the last lesson we had, nanyang girls started coming out and walking across central plaza. And the guys had to crowd around the 'window' on the door and on the walls to check out the girls! WAH!!! Seriously la! Sorry la I very pure and innocent one, they let me realize how serious guys are when they see a group of girls. To the population of the female gender, let's all stand up and fight against the se4 guys!!! Ok la I shall not stereotype because obviously not all guys are like that :D

Ok la enough of blogging, I planned to switch off the com and be my good mugger right after watching huangcheng. But huangcheng has never failed to let me get excited and passionate! So ya that's why I'm here. And yes dear blogging, you always tempt me to blog! Shall chant for 1hour (oh man I hope I don't fall asleep again) and do work!! Jiayou!! And jiayou everyone!! :D